I would send her an email with all of your changes much like the check list I posted. Write them out - and post it here.

The other thing you need to do is invite her to move back into the marital home.

When I say "invite", I do NOT mean "badger her and put pressure on her to do the right thing and work on your marriage".

As you can probably deduce from the way we turned the focus of this thread away from her affairs and wrongdoings and onto yours, the bigger problem with restoring your marriage (if such a thing is possible, and I would describe your chances as vanishingly slim) is the five years of adultery that you inflicted on your wife. Even though she only learned on this last year and so was unaware that she was living through it, she has had to adjust her view of your entire marriage. From her point of view she hasn't had a marriage. From her point of view you have exploited her ignorance and had a high old time screwing around at her expense. She didn't sign up for serial adultery when she made her vows, and when she learned of it, she learned that she never had a marriage. Less than a year of fidelity out of 5.5 years does not count as a marriage.

You'll probably tell me that you have apologised to her for what you did, but your tone to us when you got here sounded anything but apologetic. You covered your affairs in less than a line of text but went into great detail about her breaking up her friend's relationship and all the other affairs she has had. You clearly felt yourself to be the wronged husband, to the point that you didn't see importance of her decision to divorce you. The divorce was an interference with the life that YOU wanted to lead, not a sign of her utter despair.

If you want to have any chance of winning your wife back, then the focus has to be on the concept of winning her back, and not on telling her what you will and won't put up with, as you did in that letter. At the moment it is she telling you that she won't put up with your execrable behaviour, and I've seen nothing from what you've told us to suggest that she should ever go back to you.

Winning her back means treating her with the utmost care and consideration in the hope that she'll call off the divorce, and if she doesn't, in the hope that she might want to reconcile with you one day.

The reason I pressed you on how she came to move out and leave you in the home is that that situation should never have happened if you had wanted her to work on the marriage with you. If she refused to live with you, then you should have moved out and let her stay in the home. Now that she has moved out, Plan A requires that you invite her to move back, and offer to leave the house yourself if that is the only way to get her back home.

The thing is, she has no reason at all to consider returning to a life with you. She has no children with you, and whatever joint assets and investments you have can be undone. They are not the definition of a marriage. Your marriage is relatively short and during its duration you have been separated from each other due to deployment. She has learned to live without you and can easily carry on doing so, so if she is to come back, it will only be because she sees your treating her with kindness and care. In Dr Harley's terms, you need to make love bank deposits and make NO love bank withdrawals; none at all. There must be no angry outbursts from you, and no lectures about the wrongness of her affair or the rightness of your marriage; these are disrespectful judgements and they will only serve to confirm what a thoughtless pig you have been to her all these years.

The first step in showing extraordinary care and consideration for her is to give her back her home. If she refuses to live there with you, then offer to move out - without telling her how miserable that will make you feel. If you have to move out, try to date her and court her as you did before you were married.

If you are lucky enough to get her to move back, you must stay in Plan A in the hope of getting her to end all her relationships with other men, and return emotionally to you.

Ready4Life,

You wrote, The thing that stops me from doing it again is seeing and feeling th pain I have caused. I never want to do that to her again.

Please recognize that you are addicted to cheating, and it is a very real addiction just like alcohol. What you wrote could have been written by any alcoholic, and I've heard many alcoholics say something similar. But often they end up back again.

However don't say to your BW that it is an addiction or caused by a close family members death or PTSD, it will sound like a cop out.

You owe her radical honesty for the rest of her life if you get back together, don't lie about ANYTHING to your BW ever. Did it take a long time for you to tell her the complete truth spread out over months or years?

God Bless
Gamma

my transgressions

Stop using this euphemism.

Adultery, infidelity, unfaithfulness, screwing around, dogging around. Pick one, but do NOT use a word that whitewashes what you did.

Ready4Life,

Please search for and read some of the betrayed wife threads on here. While it is very important to be sorry for what you've done, it is equally important to understand what your BW feels. I believe reading the BW threads will help you gain that empathy.

Some years ago reading the WW threads helped me understand my W.

God Bless
Gamma

this is my try at a letter...

xxxx,

I am sorry for my demanding attitude in the letter that I wrote. I am in no position to give you demands when I have betrayed your trust with my actions. I see how I spoke self-righteously by making demands about working on our marriage. I appreciate the conversation we had and your emotions that you shared with me. If at any time I spoke over you when you were trying to talk, I am sorry. I would love to work to receive your trust again and create a safe marriage. I can understand that by my serial adultery it made you feel as though you never really had a marriage and our years together were a waste. I want to affair proof my life so that I will never commit adultery and hurt you again. You should have never had to leave our home and it must have seemed like you were being punished. I made a mistake in doing so and I want you back. I would like to invite you to move back into our marital home. I want to make my life completely transparent to you. I have ended all opposite sex friendships. I have eliminated all social networking. I will give you all of my passwords to all of my accounts. I will give you a daily schedule so that my time can be accounted for and I will check in multiple times so that you can know where I am. I will give a complete account of money spent and you would also have access to all of my accounts. I will spend my leisure time with you and will only do things alone with my guy friends if we both overwhelmingly agree to it. I will avoid any overnight separation. If I have to go on a business trip I will make sure you can be with me. If you can�t then I will find a way out of going. I want our marriage to work and I am willing to work with you.

Love,

xxxx

[

My darling wife,

I want you to know that I love you with all my heart and have come to realize that I destroyed our marriage with my multiple affairs. I didn't realize how much I hurt you with my thoughtless, cruel actions. I now understand this and am hoping for the opportunity to make it up to you.

If you would consider giving me another chance, I would change my behavior to ensure this never ever happens again. I don't deserve a second chnace with you if I cannot prove to you - by actions - that I have changed. would love to work to receive your trust again and create a safe marriage. I can understand that by my serial adultery it made you feel as though you never really had a marriage and our years together were a waste.

I want to affair proof my life so that I will never commit adultery and hurt you again. I don't want us to ever hurt each other again. You should have never had to leave our home and it must have seemed like you were being punished. I made a mistake in doing so and I want you back. I would like to invite you to move back into our marital home.

I have thought about ways to protect you in the future and here are some ideas I have had:

a. I want to make my life completely transparent to you.
b. I have ended all opposite sex friendships.
c. I have eliminated all social networking.
d. I will give you all of my passwords to all of my accounts.
e. I will give you a daily schedule so that my time can be accounted for and I will check in multiple times so that you can know where I am.
f. I will give a complete account of money spent and you would also have access to all of my accounts.
g. I will spend all my leisure time with you and will only do things alone with my guy friends if we both overwhelmingly agree to it.
h. I will avoid any overnight separation.
i. I will only go on a business trip if you come with me and if you are enthusiastic about my going

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

All my love,

xxxx

Wow Melody! You are awesome! Thank you so much! Off it goes!

Ready,

Nope, you're more than controlling - You're a manipulative sob! Comments to the members here like: 'thanks for the tip' and 'I appreciate you're insight', etc. tell me that you're simply seeking sympathy with no resolve to amend! I also notice that you're communicating mainly with female members here - I.e., Cane and Lane -- but, unlike you're probable initial perception, these gals are well-founded in MB and moral principles, and won't be swayed by your swavye, (sp) I would suggest that you simply move out of the marital home and ask your wife to move in, You say that you love her! She's living with roommates while you can put your feet up in Her home and justify your behavior.

So...what do you have to say Ready? Are you really ready to become more contrite and humble?

Am sure you're thinking this is harsh I don't think it is - you're a predator, and Not a husband.

Tom

If not done yet you need to expose the OMs family and friends. Copy and paste the OMs FB contact list. Then do a full exposure on the OMs.

Listen to the clips in here and tell us what you think.
Serial Cheaters