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Well, I have been married for 10 years to my husband with whom I have a daughter with. I was having an emotional affair via text messaging with an old flame on and off for about a year. Recently in August 2013 I did the unthinkable.....I sent a nude picture of myself to this male friend. My husband found the message on the Mac and held on to this information until January 2014. The message was sent thru my Iphone and somehow linked to my messages on my mac. I never suspected that he had any knowledge of this until he confronted me. We are both hurt, he doesn't know what he wants to do. He has confided in a female co worker and he states that she's the only one that is telling him to make it work. I have changed everything I have done the last 6 months. He both has our faults and he has said some hurtful things. I feel like he is playing games with me now and doesn't even know how to stop. He has lead me on that things are ok and then out of the blue they are horrible. We tried counseling for one day and he refuses to go anymore. I continued the sessions, but recently stopped. I know why I did it and explained to him why and also apologized countless times. We separated for a month and he came back because I was not doing well mentally and physically. I never thought he would leave but he said it had to be done. He doesn't know if he wants to stay or leave. He tells me he loves me and then says I have lost him and he's trying to find his way back. I'm not sure what to do anymore he has said that it's him. He's trying to get past it. He has said he has a lot of anxiety when he comes home to me. He wants his space which I have given him but he sends mix emotions about it.
Gmclove
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Gmclove. Welcome to MB and I'm sorry to hear the hard time you are having. First of all how old is you daughter? And how long did you date before getting married? The Emotional Affair (EA) how long ago did it end and how did it end? Have you all discussed boundaries to prevent it from happening in the future? My next statement may be obvious to you but if it is not I'm sorry if this maybe a shock. I believe your husband is having an affair and may have been having an affair in August when he saw the picture. No one holds onto that kind of information that long if they have been devoted to you as the only person to meet their emotional needs. It would be too devastating for him not to deal with you right then. He not only knows about that picture but he also know about the text messaging before because it does the same thing as the pictures. He has been planning to leave you for a while and more then likely has someone that he is planning to leave you for. The only way right now for you to save your marriage if you still want to is to expose his affairs. The Exposure 101 Thread will help you with that. By exposing his affairs it will more then likely end them and allow him to refocus on saving his family.
Me 40M
Wife 43F
3 kids 9M, 5M, 1F
Together 15 yrs, Married 10 yrs, live together most of our dating life. Did not live together our year of our engagement. Working hard to fall more in love with my wife.
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I don't see anything here that makes me think the husband is having an affair. Sure, he has inappropriate boundaries with this female friend but it is a stretch to assume he is having an affair and was planning to leave her. We have had numerous betrayed spouses sit on such information for months and years because they are conflict avoiders. That is not unusual.
Gmcloce, I would download the book Surviving an Affair from amazon.com and start reading it so you understand how affairs happen. That will give you an idea of how to affair proof your marriage. Once you read it you can go to your husband with a solid plan of action. Your husband is going through a roller coaster and that is very normal. It would help if you sent him here so we could help him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody,
I stand corrected.
Me 40M
Wife 43F
3 kids 9M, 5M, 1F
Together 15 yrs, Married 10 yrs, live together most of our dating life. Did not live together our year of our engagement. Working hard to fall more in love with my wife.
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Melody,
I stand corrected. Life, you are right to be concerned about her husbands relationship and I agree it does need to be investigated.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OP
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He is on a roller coaster of emotions. We separated for a month when he returned because he saw I was falling apart. I had lost 20 lbs and wasn't sleeping. He is very distant and has told me repeatly that he doesn't know what he wants to do. I cheated with the picture...he told me he loves me and I deserve someone who isn't going to treat me horribly because he just can't stand to be at home. My older son has noticed that he wants to be with us and then he catches himself and starts to distance himself. He told me that he doesn't want to feel the good he wants to feel the bad...I honestly don't think he is having an affair. He doesn't have any friends and no one to talk to.
Gmclove
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Do you have the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley? You can download it through Amazon. You should read the book and follow all the steps. Here's what it takes to recover from an affair: From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Can you ask your H to post a new thread on this forum so he can get some help?
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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He will not get any type of help. He says that he doesn't need it. We tried therapy once and that was enough. My emotional affair ended a month prior to him finding the picture. I have changed to save my marriage and he has stated that it's on him not on me if it doesn't work. He's still angry and upset. He sends mix emotions all the time. You can tell he is forcing himself to stay away from me or to even try to caring.
Gmclove
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Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? It's a very good book and, even if your H decides against saving the marriage, its principles will help you understand the importance of Extraordinary Precautions for life.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Thank you I just purchased the book and will start to reading it today. I know that he is going thru stages of emotions. I don't know what else to do.. I have told him countless times that I want to save our family and marriage.
Gmclove
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Thank you I just purchased the book and will start to reading it today. I know that he is going thru stages of emotions. I don't know what else to do.. I have told him countless times that I want to save our family and marriage. For now, I wouldn't tell him anymore. Read the book and go through the checklists. Understand the conditions that led to your betrayal and eliminate those conditions. Don't try and run after him, because that's not attractive to most men. You can send him a copy of the NC letter, so he sees what you are doing. Send him a list of the passwords of all your accounts. Expose your affair to your close friends and family so you can be held accountable and they can reach out to your hurting husband, and give him some emotional support. Make sure that when he comes by to see you and the children that you look nice. Show your changes by all your actions from now on. Words mean nothing to a betrayed spouse.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Is this male friend/old flame married?
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Book purchased....I'll read that tonight. Well my husband wants to avoid any type of conversation about solutions, getting help or what to do...
Gmclove
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The person I sent the picture to is an old friend 18 years of friendship...
Gmclove
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Is this male friend/old flame married? . Recently in August 2013 I did the unthinkable.....I sent a nude picture of myself to this male friend He wasn't JUST A FRIEND!!! Start being Honest with yourself. LTL
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The person I sent the picture to is an old friend 18 years of friendship... This "Friendship" is harmful to your marriage. Will you be sending that No Contact Letter to this POSOM? LTL
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Has your affair been exposed to your children?
Is OM married? If so, was the affair exposed to the BW?
Welcome to MB
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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My older children are aware of the affair. He's their step father. My daughter we have together is 9 years old and does not know about the affair.
Gmclove
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My older children are aware of the affair. He's their step father. My daughter we have together is 9 years old and does not know about the affair. Is this man married? You should let your daughter know that the reason her daddy has left is because you betrayed him and he's heartbroken. Children deserve to know the truth about what's going on in their lives.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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