Hi, I am in a relationship now for 2 and a half years with a man I absolutely adore. We are both 38 years old. In our whole relationship, we may have had sex 10 times total. I am hypersexual and sex once every 6 months is hard to handle. He has some ED problems, and I am very empathetic and have never been demasculizing about it. It won't talk about sex or the problem it is causing. I am so in love with this sexy man I consider my perfect match with that one, relationship harming, behavior. I don't suspect him of cheating, but have discovered dating sites he is on and conversations he has with other females. He checks out pork quite often and then disappears to the bathroom to release himself, my request to him was to let me do it, I want to please him. The lack of sex and my discovery of his chat ups, leave me very insecure and it sometimes shows in the relationship. I hate pressuring him for fear of pushing him further away. I just really crave him and that intimacy. I would even like to watch him masturbate, it would be hot. I'm up for porn, and anything he wants to try. I can't figure out how to get him to open up to me and tell me his desires. Never have judged him, he is always safe with sharing things with me. I will do anything for this man and don't want to be left with the decision of leaving or always wanting what I have a hard time getting. I need advice. Things to try and turn him on, get him to communicate with me what his fantasies are, or seek medical advice. Any help and advice appreciated, which is what I'm gonna start letting him kno he is. Thank You!

I would suggest that you are going about this the wrong way. Having sex does not create emotional intimacy. In fact, having sex before marriage pretty much ensures you don't develop intimacy because if you are having sex, you are not focusing on the things that DO create intimacy, ie: affection, conversation and recreational companionship.

I can't speak for your boyfriend, but I would think most men would be turned off at having some woman chase him and offer to "watch him masturbate.."

Why don't you back off, stop having sex and focus on creating a romantic relationship without being so overly available? If you are truly interested in this guy, that is what I would do. The things you are doing would seem likely to push him away.

Do you want to get married to this guy?

Bosbo,

I agree whole heartily with Melody.

I know you feel in love with this man but I'm not sure he is going to be a good Husband right now, because most people are at their best behavior before they get married.

By what you are describing about his activities right now, I have a hard time believing that he would be willing to make thoughtful changes to accommodate you as his wife.

Being okay with porn in his life is not ok. Porn is like having an affairs and it affects relationships in the same way as physical affair does. If you want to have a great sex life and a lot of it you have to be your husbands only outlet because the contrast will kill his drive.

Here is a great article on that.

By the way I'm assuming you guys live together, are you?

If you are here is a great article on that.

I'll bet you a buffalo nickel that his erectile dysfunction is related to overuse of porn. He can watch porn and masturbate, but not perform with a flesh and blood woman? Typical complaint of a heavy porn user.

A porn addict makes a terrible husband!

Why would he need it when he has you? Because it's easy and quick. Porn creates lazy lovers.

You will not win over porn. Porn addiction will win every time and it will get uglier and uglier as time goes on.

Please, please, please don't try to compete with porn. That can take you down a very ugly path and you do not deserve to lose your self-respect over it.

I can speak from my experience with my ExH. It did not matter what I did - nothing worked. Eventually I gave up and no longer brought the issue up ever. His porn use escalated at that point.

Please carefully read the articles that were posted for you.

I would seriously question a future with a man who is unable to work with you to create a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with you.

I agree with the previous posters! My ex was a sex addict- but wasn't having sex with me! He was getting his needs met elsewhere!

There are so many fish in the sea. Why settle for one who doesn't match your sexual needs?

Most people are 'hypersexual'.

That your boyfriend is not with you and using porn is bad news.

You could spend years trying to change him but he doesn't sound like he even begins to want to change.

Porn, as mentioned, creates lazy lovers. So, it isn't very 'hot' really when it gets down to the viewing of it in conjunction with being in a sexual relationship with a real person who wants the whole package (conversation, recreational companionship, domestic support, affection, admiration, financial support,physical attraction, openess and honesty.)

You think your boyfriend is hot but he doesn't think you are enough hot on your own.

Run. Run and date others and don't waste precious time with this dreamy guy.

What makes this man your boyfriend? He doesn't seem to be meeting any of your emotional needs. He's not exclusive with you (he's getting sex and conversation from other women). I can't see that there's even a relationship here. He's just a man that you have had a series of one night stands with. I would move on to someone who wants to have an actual relationship.

Hey Bosbo,

I am not affraid to admit I have been in a similar situation as your boyfriend when I was younger... bottom line: Your boyfriend is REDRAWING from the relationship and you are starting to notice.

In my case, I had no idea that I was redrawing from my relationship as it was not conscious behaviour... I felt really bad/depressed & had no idea why. My defense mechanism was kicking in.

Either he was raised/(or is) in an emotional abusive environment and is in fullblown "survival mode" or his emotional needs are not met.

The sexual "island" he build for himself is only a symptom for the underlying problem. Joining him on his island will not solve anything. He does not want you on it! He thinks he has to face this puzzle alone.

I agree with other posters: you should either quit this relationship or start with meeting his non-sexual emotional needs & to create intimacy in your relationship.

In case he was raised in an emotional abusive environment, try to get him to visit a psychologist.