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Joined: Nov 2002
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I first came to this site when I discovered the affair. I sought the support and understanding that this was to provide. This allowed me to see that there is life after...

I wrote poems that helped to express what was happening in my heart and in my life.

I though I would share them with you.

This is a journal entry from Nov. of 2009
TELLING MYSELF THE TRUTH.
For the past ten years I have not been happy or felt close. Our lives were no longer intertwined but had moved in separate directions. I remember countless pleas to try to reconnect but things were the same. The discovery of the affair continued to broaden the distance between us. The deceit that remained that he was still involved with her caused mistrust and insecurity in me. The financial problems magnified the brokenness in our relationship. It was my hope that a fresh determination would have prevailed. Unfortunately, it provided the "out" that he had desired. He stated that he only married me because of being pregnant. Although this could not be further from the truth, it became the cornerstone to his reason not to try to reconcile. I must recognize that my life before me leaving has been filled with loneliness, disappointment, heartache and hopelessness. The time since I have left has been an agonizing time for me.
This is the truth of the situation between us and the inevitable conclusion which is divorce.
I will now be responsible for my own happiness, future, financial choices, and any thing else that comes my way. I choose to look at Divorce Day to be a day for new starts, hopes and dreams. I will choose to see it as a positive not a negative. I will be happy. I will prosper. I will find a deep committed relationship with someone."


A YEAR
It surprised her today, it has been nearly a year
The painful truths that made it unbearably clear
Dreadful signs lead to the only real choice
�This is not life, nor is it love� said her heart�s voice

She had hoped, she had prayed,
A different outcome began to fade
She had made countless pleas,
With her life on her knees.

Packing up a life with all its dreams
Trying to quiet her heart as it screams
Tears flowed freely as she took one last look
As to close the chapter in her life�s book

Her hands shook as she found her keys,
Doubt spoke loudly to sway and to tease.
A new life to begin she know not what,
She paused at the door then pulled it shut.

She began the drive to a safe place.
The stains of the tears marked her face,
A call came from a from miles away
The caller spoke truth as she made her way.

Fresh hope, new goals and dreams to believe
The hurt, pain and deception will leave
Time to heal, restore and to rest
To know that with Christ she is Blessed.

Nearly a year has passed how could it be?
She lived through the pain and is able to see
That day was a start and not the end
Her life is more whole, she is on the mend

The healing the comfort is hard to explain
The balm of His Peace applied on her pain
The questions the doubts, and fears are just
To remember His Love is to trust.
BC � 1/18/2010

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Hi anchorhugger! I am glad you have found peace in your life.

I went back and read some of your old posts and see that your WS not only continued to work with his adultery partner but that the affair was kept secret... Those are both conditions that preclude any chance of recovery. In fact, Dr Harley states that recovery is impossible unless the affairees end contact.

Additionally, exposure is one of the most potent weapons against an affair. It is like bringing in a crowd of onlookers to the crack house to watch the crackheads get high. It ruins all the fun!

Were you aware of this? Did anyone tell you this back in 2002?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Hi anchorhugger! Good to see you!

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For some reason today I decided to stop back here.

My life has changed dramatically, from the person that first found hope through this site. I struggled with fear, and lived in a state of panic for 6 years. You believe the lies and the promises but then know it is not going to change.
It took me several years to decide to leave, you see when you are a pastor/missionary, the exposure of an affair, is pricey.
Your entire world is turned upside down, you lose your job, house, everything.I stay silent out of fear of loss. I started see a counselor, and he made a statement that turned a light on in my head... he said, "when you stay silent and not expose him, you are participating in the affair!" That was a push that helped me begin.
God allowed me to get a job and helped me to move up in positions and in pay. Little by little I was moving toward getting out.
I finally decided to tell a friend, she told me that if I ever wanted to leave, I could stay with her.
I was gaining courage to make the move. Then one day, I did, I pack the car and left, heart breaking knowing that it will never be the same.
My then WH never once made an attempt to reconcile. The Senior pastor sided with him. So did my children. I was estranged from my daughter for months and my son for several years, and my grandchildren.
I wish I could say that I did everything well, but I can't. I made mistakes as I fought through raw emotions.

I am now married to a wonderful man, my children and grandchildren are restored to me. God has given my husband and I a ministry that I would have never dreamed I would be doing.
The Lord has been my defender, He exposed the lies and the deceptions. My EX returned to the woman back in the country where we were missionaries, my children struggle with the choice he has made.

Don't know why I have rambled on so...

I hope that if someone reads this, to know that battle is hard, there is collateral damage everywhere... but there is hope when you choose truth. God is able to take the pieces and make something new and it will bring joy, peace and love to your life.






I am hanging on to the only anchor that holds on in any storm. JESUS
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Welcome back and thanks for your update?

So now that you look back, do you wish you would've exposed sooner? What helped mend your relationship with your children?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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So now that you look back, do you wish you would've exposed sooner? What helped mend your relationship with your children?

Looking back, I don't know... so many should of, would of, could ofs, I thought because he was a pastor/counselor and he had counseled others to work on their marriages and to follow the Lord. I had thought he would do the same... I was wrong. I had to hit the wall a few times in realizing that.
You see, I had to face that my husband didn't love me or want me, as well as to see that what he taught others did not apply to him.
I say all of that to say, for me it was a process of stripping away the layers.
I know that I did all that I could, I have no place in the process that I feel I did not give a chance to restore the relationship.

Regardiny my children, my grown children did not know the reason when I left, they only knew what their father was telling them (which they had heard for years). I was unstable, that he had put up with so much for years. They knew nothing of the affair, until my mom called my daughter and told her everything.
My daughter came over to where I was living and just broken down and cried for me and for the lie she had believed. She had to work through alot of the stuff going on, but for the most part she did pretty well.
My son on the other hand, recieved the news of the affair becuase my daughter threatened their dad to tell or she would... UGLY for sure... I was only allowed to see the boys, at restaurants a for birthdays,or Mothers day. I had made numerous request for them to come as a family, the invitation were alway declined or ignored. The change did not start with him until, he really began to see the truth in his father. Lies, deception and selfish actions often at the cost of my son.
All the while the was an army of prayer warriors praying for the restauration of my relationship with my children.
Slowly my son began to open his heart to me, I am invited and expected at the kids events, I even have had the boys over during the holiday breaks. God truely is able to do the impossible.

I hope that this helps, I often thought that things would never get better, but they are. I don't try to hurry it, I let the Lord do His Work, in His Way in His Time... It comes out a lot better.



I am hanging on to the only anchor that holds on in any storm. JESUS
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Obviously you can't change the past, anchorhugger, and I am not saying this to make you feel bad, but I have been around these boards long enough to see the amazing healing power of exposure. Not only is it God's plan but it has restored so very many marriages on the board over the years. Almost every recovered marriage on our board attributes that recovery to exposure. And one of the first things Dr Harley recommends is exposure to your children. I can see how that would have had an amazing positive effect on your relationship with your children if it had been done back when the affair was taking place. I can aslo see how exposure of your husband to the church and the church authorities, a Biblical mandate, might have made him repent. He should have been removed from his pastoral position, of course, because he was an unfit pastor.

Affairs thrive on secrecy so keeping them a secret only serves to enable them. It is like being an accessory to the crime.

You say that oyur husband was not in love with you. That is what the Marriage Builders program achieves: it restores the romantic love to marriages.

I don't blame you for not knowing about Marriage Builders, because years ago when you showed up they weren't discussing this wonderful, God breathed program on this board. It was a Tower of Babel that helped no one.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



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