This is actually a mischaracterization of how the MB program works. These things are not dismissed, but they DO take a back seat to repairing and protecting the marriage from infidelity.

In fact, those things are addressed as a part of recovery.

What is dismissed is scorekeeping.

Sorry if it seems like I was defending prof or myself. I do think it's scummy and that's why I never wanted to go further with him, I just felt like it was wrong (obviously) and wouldn't want to start a reltiosnhip that way. I know they almost always fail. As for dropping out of school I have to disagree that school vs a job are different. Like I said I can't live in a bubble and I have to be out in the world trying to make $ in some way. I am talk to DR H on his radio show tomorrow more about that.

No I thought we were supposed to write it together when he was home. If you aren't aware he is still in Florida and I'm still home alone with out twins.

You will find him incredibly helpful.

Everyone would like to make this easier if it were possible. If it were possible to wave a magic wand so you could keep your course without it harming your marriage, we agree, that would be wonderful.

However you will end up divorced if you head off to a place where the OM is every day. The trauma for your DH while you did that would be too much for anybody to survive and still feel anything like love.

Besides all of which, didn't you tell your DH so he could help get you out of this mess?

I'm sure you will find Dr H's advice really useful and he is a fantastic brainstomer when it comes to finding solutions.

Affairs sneak up on people because they start as friendships. I am sure it is a shock to you to realise you have ruined your course, but that is what has happened.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Talking to Dr. Harley via the radio program is a great idea.

I know you are reluctant to have your education interrupted, but you need to realize that anything that comes before your marriage will become a stumbling block to recovery. Many of us who have recovered have given up much to get there. For my family, we had to move 550 miles away from a location where we had lived for over 30 years. We had to leave a house that we had custom built and really loved. I had to end a career as a PhD-level electronics research engineer. My wife had to disrupt her career and take a lesser job at our new location. We had to deal with substantial loss of income. We had to move away from where our daughter lives. Even considering the negatives, I have to say that I am infinitely happier now, because my marriage is great! That is what we want for you. We want you to have a great marriage. It is going to take you making some difficult steps. I hope you choose wisely.

I am really glad you are going on the show because the Harleys can help you find solutions.

We don't want you to live in a bubble. We told you it should be done in a way that doesn't destroy your marriage, and the lives of your husband and your children. Your "schooling" has just about done that so far. Your methods have greatly diminished the quality of life of your whole family. Quality of life is not achieved by a job or by money; it is achieved by a happy lifestyle.

Write the letter and let him give you feedback before you send it. I would also post it here and let us help you with it. Then it should be sent together.

Did you listen to the clips in here from Dr.Harley?

Start writing it today. Now. Use the sample letter in SAA to help you write an appropriate one. Post it here for review.

you're right. it IS a mischaracterization of marriage builders. following the program would teach both of you to protect and care for the marriage and right any behavior that's destroying your connection.

it just stinks (when you're wayward) to have to wake up to the destruction you've caused your own spouse family. it's much more convenient to stay in the blame and amplify your spouse's faults. there has to be a willingness to suspend the divisive stuff long enough to get the marriage and family stabilized and this is part of coming out of the wayward fog.

if you knew how happy you could be in a loving marriage, you'd gladly make the changes that would support you in doing it. you'd get creative with your husband and think of alternatives. moving is really helpful. focus on marriage and family. education and money can come later.

It stinks when you carefully select a hunting rifle, remove your shoe, aim carefully, and then shoot yourself in the food and then have to limp around with a bandaged foot. But crying about things you do to yourself stinking is about as productive as peeing in the wind.

I just read some of my husbands post and couldn't believe what I was reading. I am no way "dangerous", I am exhausted, he left me here with the twins and they are 18 months old and teething. Most of the last few weeks I have been go to my mothers house just to get away from him so we do NOT fight.

He wanted to talk on the phone forever last night and I admit I was mean to him and closed off. I told him over and over I would transfer to another branch 20 -30 miles away from this college and even look into putting the twins into part time daycare so we can have more evenings free and it's not just us working in shifts. I actually switched one of my classes today and I am looking into the other one.

I did say as of right now I am not dropping out of college. With the daycare I could take day classes or take one day class and one night class.

Also he said he went to Florida to take a few days vacation which is so not true. Friday of last week he came out to my mom's house while I was here for the day, making my sister drive him, and set up a whole dramatic scene of taking photos of the girls and saying goodbye. He told my whole family he was leaving for GOOD. Everyone stood there and watched as he left. Then he tells you all he just left for a few days? He told me he was enlisting in the military too. Until 2 days ago I didn't think he was coming home at all. AS of right now I know he missed his flight in Florida and his phone died. I don't know when he is going to be here or how he'll get home but that isn't my issue right now. Also YES after he told me he'd leave and move to FL over and over and woke me up to tell me that for nights I did say just go already stop drawing it out. He then told his mother and brothers I kicked him out.

Then you are VERY dangerous to him.

20 miles is not far enough.

Isn't that his RIGHT?
Honey, you are BLESSED that he is even thinking of coming home to give you another chance. He has every right to leave you and take his babies with him.
Stop whining that he left and be grateful he's giving you another chance.

Do you have that No Contact Letter written yet?

It is the prerogative of every betrayed spouse to choose to end his marriage over an affair, Madam. Don't condemn him for exercising his prerogative. He may choose to end your marriage and we won't stop him if that is his goal.

And yes, you are a dangerous person if you continue to put your schooling before your marriage. You have almost completely destroyed your marriage and your children's family by placing your own selfish interests first. That makes you dangerous.

In fact, he SHOULD end the marriage (and take the twins with him) if you continue to put your schooling before your marriage.