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Based on your experience with Marriage Builders, would saying to a spouse "if you love me, you will stop drinking' be a selfish demand?
Even if the goal is good, would putting it in those terms be a selfish demand? Or is alcohol abuse in a different category?
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Based on your experience with Marriage Builders, would saying to a spouse "if you love me, you will stop drinking' be a selfish demand?
Even if the goal is good, would putting it in those terms be a selfish demand? Or is alcohol abuse in a different category? Alcohol abuse would have to stop before you can work on your marriage. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Nope - that's a pretty common question, and the answer is that telling your spouse something they are doing is bothering you and asking them to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement is NOT a selfish demand. Asking your spouse to DO something is a selfish demand; asking your spouse to NOT do something is not a selfish demand.
Dr. Harley's position is that if your spouse refuses to follow the policy of joint agreement about some subject (they won't stop doing something that bothers you), then that issue will eventually ruin your marriage. In the case of particularly harmful issues like alcohol abuse, Dr. Harley's recommendation is that you separate unless your spouse is willing to follow the POJA (stop drinking and get treatment).
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Alcohol abuse is a huge lovebuster so asking him to stop is not a selfish demand. Dr Harley writes:
"One of the first things I do when couples see me for counseling is to evaluate them for drug and alcohol addiction. If I feel that either is addicted at the time, I refer the addicted spouse to a treatment program. The Love Buster, drug or alcohol addiction, will prevent them from resolving their marital conflicts because it controls them. It must be eliminated before marital therapy has any hope of being successful."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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his beer intake kept increasing in frequency and amount :6-8 beers in one sitting, 3-4 x/wk, he was trying to hide it, he was having health side effects, and relational problems with me because of it. He has not had a beer in 9 months, and he misses it. Now that we read about selfish demands, he thinks even though it was good for him to deal with how much he was drinking, the only reason he stopped was to show that he did love me and that since it was a selfish demand it should be renegotiated.
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The POJA states that you should never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse. So he shouldn't be drinking without your enthusiastic agreement. The default is to do nothing. If he is an alcoholic or abusing alcohol,that would have to stop FIRST in order to solve the marital problems.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Your demand that the alcohol abuse end was not a selfish demand, though. If you demand that he DO something like take out the trash and if he doesn't he will be punished, that's a selfish demand.
Demanding that a spouse stop abusing alcohol is not a selfish demand.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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I am so grateful for all the responses.
It makes me realize how much I have NOt talked, trying to be accepting and submissive, but then getting resentful, and giving up. That is not fair to my husband and has hurt my marriage. Thank you for giving feedback.
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I am so grateful for all the responses.
It makes me realize how much I have NOt talked, trying to be accepting and submissive, but then getting resentful, and giving up. That is not fair to my husband and has hurt my marriage. Thank you for giving feedback. You are absolutely right. Not being open and honest is very harmful.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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he thinks even though it was good for him to deal with how much he was drinking, the only reason he stopped was to show that he did love me What would be wrong with that? I think that's a GREAT reason to stop drinking! Possibly one of the best. and that since it was a selfish demand it should be renegotiated. If you are both following the POJA, he can't take a drink if you are not enthusiastic. STOPPING doing something is not doing something and doesn't have to be negotiated, because you can't do it in the first place if your spouse is not enthusiastic.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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That much drinking can become a lifestyle, what did you replace that lifestyle with? Things you two are both enthusiastic about? If you two didn't replace it with any fun stuff, like date nights and UA time, you can see why he wants to negotiate. How about brainstorming with abandon, just keep leaving the stuff you are not enthusiastic about off of the table.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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