Hi gkumar, thinking about your wife and you this evening, and wondering what EPs you have set up?

I'm going to ask some pointed questions, but since you and your wife have had a few days to work hard at protecting and then making a plan for rebuilding your M, I hope that these are not difficult questions.

What have you done to protect your wife so that you will never risk seeing or talking to that staff member again?

What have you done to affair proof your marriage so that you cannot be tempted again?

Have you changed your cell phone number? Deleted your email accounts? Arranged for your wife to be with you ever second that you are at work? Arranged for FULL transparency of business and personal accounts?

Have YOU scheduled a polygraph?

At your business, have YOU been putting your arm around your wife's shoulder and making it obvious to the staff that you love your wife and VALUE her input in the company?

Hello and thank u for ur concern.
Yes we have been reaching out to each other and things seemed Farely well,until yesterday where she had overwhelming feelings of the past.I have to say not once was she disrespectful or angry,which makes me respect her a lot more.
Now to answer to ur question,the OW was fired and and told by me that I can't see her any more,and that my wife and children are more important to me.
My wife and me own the business and I usually get to work by 8 30 and she follows after getting the kids ready and dropped by the day care,she is usually in the store with me by 10 30.
She leaves the store (I drop her home) by around 6. I then meet her by around 9 after shutting the store.
The other day she was a little anxious and I suggested for her to stay in the store late while I go home by 6 which she declined.
My cell phone number is the same ,our emails are business email and I have personal email with my wife(no secret emails).
All the details of the accounts are always shared with her,basically we talk a lot about the business as we are in it together.
I have reminded her 3 to 4 times to schedule a polygraph ,but she states she is scared as what if I fail the test,upon which I assured her I won't fail the test and that the test will make her feel better once done.
I am certain I would not make the mistakes again as I have almost lost my family once and would never ever take a chance again.

Thank you gkumar for answering our questions. You and your wife both are seeming to work together on recovery now, yay!

This is going to be a long haul, we won't tell you any different, however if you two continue to cease the love busters and then begin to meet each other's emotional needs, you will do it slow but surely! Dr. Harley states that resentment is more difficult for people who have more to resent�BUT the great news is that each time that YOU give extraordinary care to your wife, now she will have a great memory of that. Those great memories will lead to an arsenal of "tools" that she will eventually see that she can fight her down times with. Actually, the both of you will soon work together to fight them. It's pretty beautiful actually.

From 8:30 until your wife arrives, can you perhaps place nanny cams around the place so that your wife can look if she chooses? Just brainstorming here. Another idea�can you (occasionally) leave to go home with your wife at 6, pay someone for the three hours while you are away, and your wife and you BOTH show back up at 9 to close? If you scheduled a babysitter perhaps two nights per week�and then after you close up, you and your wife could go out for a bit so that you could meet the affection and intimate conversation need.

gkumar, I understand the thought that you would never make the mistakes again. My response to that is�did you PLAN on cheating when you got married? No, you undoubtedly meant your vows, but as Dr. Harley states, we are all wired to have affairs. We can only protect our marriage from here on out with extraordinary precautions (which we should have been doing all along). So you really need to take the measures yourself to show your wife time and again JUST how seriously that you are taking the protection of your marriage.

What else can YOU do to show her?

Last 3 days have been a roller coaster ride again,with the same emotional reactions.Lat 3 days she has been very sad and i see she has been trying hard,really hard but cant stop feeling depressed.Last night just before we went to bed ,she and i had a chat on the bed,where she said she is sorry she is feeling this way and is trying and i thanked her and apologised once again for what i have done.i told her i am very nervous when she is like this coz i dont know when she might just pull the plug and say that she cant do this any more and might want to leave.She said she wont do that and that she loves me and we went to sleep.
This morning she woke me up but i snoozed like 15 mins longer as i figured i would go to the store later with her.
We sat down and i asked her what were her emotional needs,so she said the first is honesty,and then said attention to her,and immediately after that started by telling me how i used to give the OW attention and i barely give her any,i asked her to stop bringing this past again and i reminded her that we shouldnt be doing that,on which she asked me what am i doing extra ordinary for her,i told her we are spending a lot of time with each other and i am trying to help her around the house and i insist we spend as much time as we can together.She then went ahead and again kept bringing the OW .i left her to herself for 40 minutes to see if that calms her down,honestly coz i am feelinf frustrated with what to do.
I came back and inittiated talking to her and she told me that i am not doing anything extra ordinary and i put a lot of effort on the OW.i apologised and i said i am sorry i have done this,at this point i was a little agitated too coz i couldnt handle this roller coaster.She said that she had asked me a few days ago that she wants to go to a shrine,and i said yes. But i can only do that on my day off ,business being slow she insists that i am on the floor concentrating,which is rational,but as soon as the emotion gets over i become all wrong for her.
Like yesterday she was sick all day and she kept complaining of head aches and i was in touch with her trying to calm her down and to relax.I insisted she comes out in the evening and i shall take the kids t the tram ride on the mountains.When she came she asked me not to join her and that i should be in the store,but i wanted to spend time with her and the kids so we all went up and had a light supper and she was fine.

I am really trying,infact i want to be with her and we spend a lot of time.Even in the store we talk about how we can help eachother and have a lot of conversations about SAA and now i am reading love busters so we talk A LOTTT about it.But this morning she says that thats not valid as its in the store and thats not quality time.
I am totally shocked as to what can i do,on one side is this business which needs to be run and she has to be aboard and when she is rational she realises that and on the other side when the emotion takes over i am back to being the demon.
I asked her if she took her meds this morning and she asked me if i thought she is addicted to them.All i was suggesting is for her to take it as maybe that migt help.
I love her and i cant see her pain.Please advise as to what should i do.I have to say she is not getting any angry out bursts and she is refraining from bad language.

You two need to plan to spend at least 25 hours of UA (undivided attention) time together each week. A good marriage needs 15 hours per week�a recovering marriage needs 25 hours per week. This should include four 3-hour date nights per week, where the four main emotional needs are met�recreational companionship, intimate conversation, affection, and sexual fulfillment.

If I recall correctly, Dr. Harley has a section in SAA (towards the end) about UA time, but if here is a link to his article on the site --> Undivided Attention

UA time should not include the children. Family Time is good, but UA time is just for the two of you, and should be scheduled when you are both awake enough to enjoy each other.

GREAT that your wife has already mentioned that she would like to go to a shrine. Maybe you could bring that up as an idea for your first scheduled UA time. Make it a pleasant time for the two of you, not bringing up the A, but instead you could ask for her thoughts about things on the drive there (intimate conversation), and show her lots of affection during your date.

She probably needs to see her doctor again. Many depressed patients see their doctor, hopefully a psychiatrist, once a week until the meds are sorted out. Please take her back. The first dosage prescribed is often conservative. She may need a higher dosage. Take her back to the doctor.


She is in the worst pain of her life and is really struggling. I remember wishing I would die rather than go through the painful days. Be consistently gentle and kind.


If she's not feeling like you're giving her enough UA time, don't argue with her about it. Sit down every week and set up a schedule. Make sure it's about 20 - 25 hours a week. A marriage in crisis needs more than the usual 15 hours per week. For many betrayed spouses post-A, the EN they most often put at the top is Openness and Honesty. After a while, when this need has been met, it will drop a bit, and affection and conversation will take its place. For now, be open and honest about your feelings, your hopes for the future, and so on. Make yourself very transparent to her.

Instead of telling your wife that she shouldn't be bringing up the past and appearing to educate her, tell her what my H told me,"Honey, I'm so sorry for causing you so much pain. Please let's not talk about the mistakes of my past. I'm never going to do that to you again." Then change the subject, change what you're doing, change the environment.

I was terrible about bringing up the past and the A and it held us back from recovering. We agreed that this is exactly what my H would say and do. I agreed that when he said this, I would stop talking about the A. I had to swallow the words and not speak them. He disciplined himself to say those words, and I disciplined myself to respond to his words by stopping the A talk.

That phrase worked really well for me, the BS, because he owned what he did, didn't try and educate me, and made a promise every time he said it.


Instead of leaving her to herself for 40 minutes, repeat the phrase. Hold her hand and say it. Then kiss her. If she brings it up again, repeat. If you start to feel frustrated, tell her that you're beginning to feel frustrated and that, since you don't want to hurt her, you're going to leave for a bit and calm down. Then return when you're calm. And do something else with her.


Your W is on the roller coaster ride of her life. Tell her again the phrase above and make sure you have scheduled your UA together. Recovery isn't going to happen without the UA time.


Put that in the UA schedule so she can look forward to doing this with you.



Okay, that's good. Some family time is an important EN for most women.


If she's not happy with the UA, work together to create the UA time in the way that makes you both happy.


Can you hire some help for a while? Your marriage must come first. And recovery is a very narrow path. If you take shortcuts, your marriage will continue to suffer.


ADs are not addictive, though. Make sure she is taking them, because they will help calm her roller coaster emotions.


She's doing great with controlling the AOs and bad language. Your job will be to consistently gentle and kind and meet her ENs in a way you have never done before. Avoid any LBs on your part. When you get frustrated, let her know gently that your own emotions are beginning to fray and you need a little time on your own to calm down but that you'll be back.

Schedule the UA time with your wife and make sure it's very enjoyable for both of you.

And remember that recovery takes 2 - 5 YEARS. It's hard and takes a great deal of effort, but if you can both get to the end of it, you'll have a great marriage.

My husband is a cheat. He is fooling each of u like he has fooled me. Pls concentrate on people who take ur advise. Don't waste ur time with this serial cheater

I don't think anybody here is fooled. There is always a significant chance that a poster we are dealing with is trying to manipulate the conversation. The basic truths behind MB principles bear repeating, even if the intended recipient has chosen to be deaf. There is a larger audience reading these posts. These people are learning useful techniques that they can apply to there own situations. So, while your concerns are understood, I don't think the attention expended here has been totally wasted.