My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We have two kids, their ages are 6 and 1. We have been together since we were in high school. I have a very terrible problem. Almost any time my husband pulls away or neglects me I cheat on him in some shape or form. I was doing very well for the past three years, I was talking to him when I was feeling myself slip and he was there for me. For the past 8 months he has been extremely depressed. I tried everything in my power to help him through it, I was there for him during his break downs. For the past 5 or 6 months I have been feeling "locked out", like he was building a way between us. I spoke to him about it often and at the end I was pleading with him to let me in, I could see he was hurting but I couldn't do anything if he didn't let me in. But instead of talking to me he would interact with others, he didn't tell them what was wrong but he would become alive and be normal again. I started to feel alone and undesirable, after all I just have a baby and I didn't "bounce back" like I did with our first child. So I turned to the one person I shouldn't have. I no longer live in the same state as this person does but I sought after him because he filled that void of being wanted. I went to the extent of making a fake profile to speak to him on a social media website. I wrote him, he replied with what I wanted to hear from my husband. He told me he missed me, and my reply is what destroyed my husband, I told this other man that if he had the tattoos he has now when we were together that I would have been all over him more. I know I was wrong I know I should have stuck it out longer, but how do I get my husband to understand that he has been pushing me away for so long? I want to be with my husband, I want us to work, I want him to talk to me the way this other man did. But he's not fighting, he's not talking. The last real conversation was about when we are financially stable he wants a divorce. I need help processing all of this and I need help getting him to see my side.

How many affairs have you had?

Does your husband know about all of them?

Have you been tested for STD/I?

I have had many, yes my husband knows about all of them because my counselor thought it would be a good idea for him to know the whole story. I have been tested for STDs. Do you have any advise that could help me with the situation?

Were any of them married?

Who have you told about your affairs?

Does your BH want to stay married?

ykelly, how do we get you to understand that you are not entitled to have affairs? Affairs are not an entitlement for neglected spouses. How can we get you to understand this?

The first advice is to stop having affairs

Exactly. This is a non starter until you put an end to this. Your husband is not safe with you until that happens. Will he come here and speak to us?

Here is what has to happen before you can even begin to fix the marriage.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

You said in your last sentience - you need help "getting him to see your side" what exactly IS your side?

Of course he wants a divorce!

Every bump in the road you hit, you run to other men. And then you blame HIM for it and tell him to be more like them.

Until you are ready for a serious change in how you view a marriage, then he should divorce you.

Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site?

Every bump in the road he runs to other women as well. He may not sleep with them but he also turns to others. I'm not trying to say that what I did was right by any means, I'm wanting advice on how to speak to him that BOTH of our actions have been harmful to our marriage. I would greatly appreciate advice, not to be ganged up on or talked down to. I feel terrible for what I did, I honestly don't need any help feeling lower than I already am. Please I'm asking for help.

Start with reading everything on this site and then coming back and listen to the vets for a plan to help yourself and your marriage���.

You may not realize it yet, because you haven't read the articles and the posts -- but the fact that you want to SHARE THE BLAME for the state of your marriage is VERY TYPICAL WAYWARD language.

You only own your side of the street. Clean it up.

You want us to make your husband understand that its his fault you can't keep your panties on?

There is help here -- for YOU. Are you willing to do that?

Can you do this?

Are you reading the posts that the knowledgeable vets are providing for you?

Instead of looking at the ADVICE as posters "Ganging Up On You", try to read it and FOLLOW the instructions.

ANY advice that you will receive that guides you into realizing that a married spouse should NEVER feel entitled to have an affair and how to humbly assist your OWN Husband into recovering his core identity will and should make you view your own previous choices with disgust, as it should to anyone who has an inkling of a conscience.

Please reply to the posters and answer if you will follow Dr. Harleys advice.

LTL

Here is Dr. Harleys advice on what needs to be done.

Will you do it?

A No Contact Letter will be an immediate necessity.

Will you do that?

Darn it. My cell phone isn't cooperating and won't allow me to Paste the Checklist for what ACTIONS you need to follow. Maybe someone else can post the list.

LTL

What have YOU done on this list so far?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

LTL