So I recently posted about my sexting affair and questions were answered. I have been reading the book Surviving Affairs and I guess I'm a little lost about where to start. My husband doesn't want to talk about the problem, yet he refuses to go to counseling or get help. I know that he is going thru certain stages of the affair. I sent some text messages and a picture of myself and that's about as far as it got. When I ask him to please fight for us he states that he is trying and by him trying that means being at home. He has anxiety when he comes home because I am around. He is keeping his distance from and I know that it's his way of protecting himself from getting hurt again. So I guess my question is how can I help him? What do I need to do if he says he is trying but really isn't?

Gmclove,

But have you made your apologies to the other man's wife, and sent her the email evidence? This is the other victim in the affair.

God Bless
Gamma

She has no idea about it. How does that help my husband tho?

It helps him because it's good for YOU to come clean. It is therapeutic. You cannot expect a wound to heal properly when the infection is still festering beneath the surface.

Gmclove,

It helps your H because it shows you are making amends for the injustice and have become more of an honest person for making restitution to the OMW.

It helps your H because the OM has not gotten away without a scratch.

It helps your H because there is less need for your H to visit the OM with a baseball bat and take out his legs.

It helps the OMW because her marriage is broken and she does not know why.

God Bless
Gamma

This exactly.

Your actions help your H revoer because you are providing just compensation. If you do nothing his resentment will just grow and he will end up hating you, he shouldn't have to be your dad and tell you what to do, you should recognize you have to make amends and then do it. It will show your H you are fighting for him instead of just saying you want to fight for him.

It will be big that your H sees the OM is also facing the consequences, it will also let him know the OMW is watching and it will make him feel more secure. The OM should face the consequences and if you are trying to hide it and protect the OM that will cause huge resentment for your BH.

He would then see by your ACTIONS, that YOU were taking the steps to safeguard this affair from redeveloping because now you and your affair partner would be held accountable to your own spouses.

That would be one very small step at providing the first of many EP's, Extraordinary Precautions to assist in stabilizing your Husbands emotions.

You should share the book, Surviving An Affair with your Husband and both go through the checklist of what you will be doing to ensure you Affair Proof your portion of the marriage that you can control.

If you incorrectly think you would be doing no justice to her, you are wrong. She needs to know and understand why her own marriage has felt so disconnected recently.

You should plead with your own Husband to seek out Dr. Harleys advice on this forum for his own well being and to try to heal your marriage from both sides.

The more you resist doing the necessary steps outlined or delay doing them with excuses and rationalizations, then the less likely your marriage will work out.

And that burden is completely on your shoulders.

I hope and Pray that you will follow the useful advice, regardless of how shameful you might think it will be. You too will eventually feel better about yourself by actually DOING the right things from now on forward.

LTL

Please read. What is Just Compensation?

Refusing to expose the affair to the OMW shows your BH that you are still protecting the OM. Still putting the OM first. Still preventing the OM from facing the full consequences of his affair with you. Keeping the OM protected and his BW in the dark allows the OM to be able to restart the affair the moment that your BH lets his guard down.

You should be protecting your BH half as well as you protect the OM.

Well I am not protecting him the OM. I told my H I would expose the sexting affair to the OW but stated that it was not a good idea. My H told me that the OM would get his in the end. My H told me last night that he is just so angry. He doesn't want to see a marriage counselor to get help.

But the betrayed wife needs to know the truth about her marriage. Doesn't she deserve to know what her husband is doing behind her back? It's not for revenge against the OM; it's an act of kindness toward the betrayed spouse.

Will your H post here for help? This forum will help you both more than most marriage counselors can. MB has a plan of recovery that, when followed by both spouses, will result in a wonderful and safe marriage.

How many marriages have you and your BH saved?

Think about that and then think about who is probably right, you and your BH (who are dealing with an A now) or people on this board who have helped save thousands of marriages....