It doesn't matter if he lives in another state. He only has to pass information between you two about childcare and finances. Then you pick up the kids in front of her house while the kids run out.

We've had many people here on MB who have IM'd for others who live in other states.

Blindsided,

I feel like you have come a long long way in healing.
You are now at a far different stage of it than when you began posting.

You do not have to go to Plan B (though your healing might be ultimately faster, it is a tough, tough plan to implement and follow.....not for the faint hearted).

You don't have to ever be cordial to the OM. You can do your best to avoid being around him and if ever unable to avoid it....to ignore him.

Your girls need to deal with him though. Keep being the bestest Dad to them you can be so you are their rock and soft place to land at all times.

You are getting there Mister!

Blindsided,

I realize your comment about implementing a Plan B which would include your daughters was out of frustration. The advice by reading is very good - don't feel pressured by folks here to start Plan B unless you feel 1) continued interaction with her will blow away whatever love you still have for her, and 2) she is truly abusing you and causing you physical and emotional stress. This decision is yours to make, but it is good that a member here is willing to be your IM. However, and again, if you want to continue to Plan A your ExW, then do not do it half-assed - finally LEARN MB and do it according to MB! That means going the extra mile as I've said before, and learning to NOT let your stubbornness and your obvious resentments toward her affect every contact you have with her. Right now tho, until you get to that point I believe your total focus should be on maintaining and further developing a healthy and giving relationship with your kids, apart from however your ExW reacts to you or what she does.

In a way I am still concerned that you're still using this site to simply complain and garner sympathy instead of learning to put MB into practice. Maybe you need another couple of weeks 'on the bench' to rethink and readjust before posting here again...*s*.

And, don't react and get defensive about how people are commenting to you here. They are taking their time to offer advice and are probably frustrated in that you don't seem to be trying to change! **EDIT**

The above said, could you please advise everyone here supporting you if their time is being wasted, or if you are really going to try to get to the next level (with MB guiding you).

Tom

No one is wasting their time. I think I am doing a lot better these days, but it is very difficult to do any kind of plan in my situation. I am quite isolated here - no real family to speak of here.

The xW flat out defied my request to keep the girls this coming week, which I expected, knowing her as I do. She cannot compromise in anything. I have said this before - if there were no kids involved, she'd be a fuzzy memory by now. But having kids with someone makes you family, I believe, for better or worse. Sorry if I am old-fashioned and I don't accept divorce as a go-to solution when you haven't exhausted all options to save the marriage.

So I am planning on going to AZ on Wednesday to be with my kids at their grandparents. I have an open invitation from my xFIL, but I will still ask him when I get in touch with him (not easy, which makes him a poor choice for IM, too).

I will give me an opportunity to work in some conversation about the situation and talk to xSIL and xMIL as well. I know xSIL is not real accepting of things now, either.

It's interesting, because this is the holiday that we got engaged, and married a year after. Maybe it is for some purpose that I be around her family this week, although I am not going to read too much into how things are working out.

As a general rule, I dont recall reading of any successful IM's that were in-laws.
They are too emotionally invested and there is an old saying that Blood is thicker than water.

My IM is someone that is out of state.
It is very possible to find a good neutral IM for most people

Why not use one of the posters here as your IM? My IM is JK. Just a thought.

So it sounds like you're making excuses again about Plan B which I'm not surprised by honestly.

Tom2010, the reason he is being advised to Plan B is because he is not in Plan A. He is in plan BSNM and it is making everything worse, for his relationship with XW, his children and himself. He needs to get out of the situation he is in now and needs to get himself into a good place and he cannot do that with the constant triggers from his xw.

It's ultimately up to him what he decides but we are simply telling him for the past 6-8 months that he is in the same boat and its because he is doing plan BSNM which has nothing to do with MB.

Keep in mind cases of sexual abuse by the hands of boyfriends and husbands not related to children aren't uncommon. If that happens in your case, I hope not, you are partly to blame due to your inactions. Be Proactive and brainstorm some solution to get more time with your children despite your ill will towards your ex. Stop reacting emotionally and think this through logically.

This might not be popular idea to you but how about letting the grandparents have a couple weeks alone with the grandkids? My parents see their grandkids a few times a year. I see them daily or weekly depending if they're from my previous marriage or not. I believe you see them A LOT more than the grandparents do.

tx,

Yes I realize the reason for advice for him to go to Plan B. I was sort of giving him the benefit of hope that he'd rebound positively and really learn and work a positive Plan A (hence, my advice to him awhile back to take a couple of weeks off from posting to study MB and commit to go the extra mile for a Plan A). Based on blowing-off some recent opportunities to Plan A his ExW, it seems that the resentment between the two of them makes a Plan A at this point pretty fruitless. Also, I seem to recall Blindsided mentioning that the divorce decree does not include stipulated visitation rights for him, and that he's at the whim of his ExW to have his daughters. I may be totally wrong on this, but it's what I recall. If this is the case tho, his ExW could react to a Plan be by shutting him down in terms of visitation. Blindsided would have to clarify.

Blindsided, I hope you will be able to visit your kids during these two weeks while your ExW is vacationing. I have to tell you tho, TranquilDarks's comment caught my attention. You have to start becoming a 'rock' for them, and stop the spats you and ExW have every time you exchange. It's not about You and ExW anymore, and spitting at each other in front of your kids, or avoiding opportunities to see your kids even briefly when you have a chance! It's about your efforts to give your daughters your constant love and care, and to give them a trusted refuge IF the OM would become a threat to their welfare.

I've stopped short at recommending you DO go to a Plan B, but I'm probably not too far from agreeing with others on that. At this time I believe you need to focus on gaining more time with your daughters and showing them what a resourceful and ever-present 'rock' their dad can be.

The best,

Tom

Hey there, Thought I'd update things after almost a week at my former inlaws' house.

To review, my xW told me to get stuffed and took the kids to her parents when I said I could watch them for a week. So I decided to go out there for a long weekend.

Very interesting trip indeed. Found out a lot of things. I'll bullet list things to keep it brief:

* I decided not to talk about the xW at all while I was there. I didn't want it to be about that - I was there to see my kids and get out of town.
* Got there Wednesday night. xMIL was not happy I was there.
* My 5year old tells me "Grandma and Grandpa were arguing last night". I asked xFIL and he confirms it was about my coming there.
* xMIL started treating me better after her husband talked to her about how she was treating me.
* xSIL arrived Saturday. We had fun, played with all the kids. Seemed not at all uncomfortable. Keep in mind my last encounter with her was unpleasant and she unfriended me on FB.
* Before she left Sunday, she offered an open invitation to come visit them. Surprising to say the least.
* Monday as I was going to leave, I got a tearful apology from the xMIL (WHAT??). Again, very surprising. We then got into a very long conversation about everything that has happened. She has never heard my side of things so I respectfully told her how I perceived the situation, and told her about Dr. Harley's books and what I learned form them. She is very much like my xW in personality, so to have her apologize was surprising. She still stuck to her guns about some things and we disagreed on some things, but she listened to what I had to say.
* Because of that development, I stayed an extra day because it got late. Also, my daughter was sick and had to take her to ER Saturday night, and I heard that my xW was glad that I was there for that. I stayed extra to make sure she was doing better.
* xW was in NY with not only the POSOM, but POSOM's two daughters, so it seems it is not the romantic getaway I had originally envisioned. Hmmm.
* xWife's brother was not there, but I did hear that he has told the xW not to marry the POSOM.

In summary, it seems that I am now on good terms with pretty much everyone in xW's family, and that NO ONE in her family likes the POSOM. Not her mother, not even her brother.

Interesting days ahead.

Blindsided,

Well, what did you and your daughters do for fun and to get closer during that time.? All I see in your post is you jumping for joy in that your MIL and SIL MAY understand you better.

Tom

Spent all our time together, rode the atv, played games and stuff like that. It was a nice break. They were glad I was there. I have talked to them on the phone a few times since. Hopefully I'll see them next week.

It's not just that the xILs understand me better, it's that they are not at all approving of the POSOM. It may not be much of a change, but it tells me that if is even less likely that it will last between the xW and the incubus. And when it ends I can put forward a proper plan A.

Okay, this post has little to do with the xWife. It is just something I want to share that is mind-blowing - to me anyway, let me know if you agree. It has to do with the sheer number of "coincidences" that have been occurring to me lately.

A little background. I have been here in NM for 12 years. While I have come to know quite a few people, I am certainly not plugged in to the community like those who grew up here. About 18 months ago I decided to get serious about developing my product idea. At the time I was separated and staying with my parents, with no hope for employment. Things had never looked more hopeless for me, ever. I started praying for two things: To have my family back together, and for the opportunity to be a good provider for them.

As many of you know, I have a hearing loss and it had been getting worse when my mom (who was born deaf) told me that her hearing aid provider suggested that I call the state DVR (Dept of Vocational Rehab) because they may be able to provide financial assistance to get hearing aids. I didn't do anything right away, but after a couple weeks of contemplating, I called them and made an appointment. I applied for assistance and was put on a waiting list.

In the meantime I had been struggling to find an engineer to help me build a SolidWorks model of my idea. I had talked to probably 6 or 8 of them with no success. Building the model was the first step. For those familiar, SolidWorks is a 3D engineering design software package that is VERY expensive and difficult to learn. Okay, so no luck finding someone to help me. Then I got sidetracked because I got a contract job that paid little, but it was the first income I had in 3 years. One day the guy I was working for installed some new software on the computer I was using. Software to help me design new products for him: SolidWorks. So I learned the basics and during my lunch hour and after work I started building my model. I learned enough to build the darn thing, even though I had made many mistakes. After 6 months or whatever it was, he let me go because I had done enough work for him that he could take over and he didn't need me any more. But I had my model on a thumb drive.

After I was unemployed again, i got a call from DVR - My name was up and I needed to come in again. I heard back a week or two later and they had covered the entire cost of hearing aids AND glasses since my prescription was in need of updating. On my last visit there after I got them, the caseworker asked me "Do you have a resume?" I emailed her one when I got home.

The NEXT DAY she called me and said that she had gotten a call that morning from a woman who places disabled people in state contract jobs. She connected us, made an appointment to interview with the state 2 days later, and I was offered a job the day I interviewed. That was a year ago. In a couple weeks I will be a state employee with benefits, albeit a temporary one for the next year.

A lot of these things happened concurrently, so I'll try to be as clear as I can.

After I started working, I decided to try to improve my dating situation. I did the dating site thing a little, and met this woman and got to talking to her. Turns out our romantic goals weren't the same, but we had enough in common that we still talk to this day. Let's call her "Tina". She is an applications developer and I told her about my product idea. She loves it, and wants one. She is going to help me build my company website. She also knows a mechanical engineer - let's call him "Dan" - and told me to contact him. I did, and Dan agreed to get my product ready for manufacture at a much-reduced hourly rate, and trade the rest for equity. That was maybe 6 months ago or so. We are a week away now from getting parts made for prototypes. Last Thursday I met the guy - we'll call him "Mike" - who is going to be doing a lot of the fabricating - a guy about my age. Hold that thought for a moment.

My friend, let's call him "Frank", he is the one who told me about Dr. Harley's books because he and his wife separated, she had an affair, etc. I used to work with Frank at the job I had for 4 1/2 years before the economy went south and I became unemployed. Anyway, I told him about my idea and whether he knew anyone who might like to invest and help me get it started. He introduced me to his friend "Sam". We met and Sam liked the idea and was interested, but was tied up in some litigation over another business deal so he could not do anything at the moment. He did say that he knew someone who could build it. This was before I started working for the state - over a year ago.

I got to talking to Tina shortly after I started the state job, and it turns out that she knows the lady who placed me at the state job, and she knows my boss. Small world.

Getting back to the meeting last week, Dan and I went to Mike's facility after we hashed out some details, and we sat down for our meeting. I was wearing a "Marshall Amps" shirt, and Mike asked me if I played guitar, and I replied that I did. Turns out he plays drums. The next half hour we talked about music and bands and dropped names of famous people we know and have played with and all that, and I told him about Frank (who also plays guitar and grew up in this area). He DID know Frank, and used to play in a band with Frank's friend "Rob", for whose band I have helped shoot music videos with Frank. Frank and Rob were in a band together, and Mike and Rob were in a band together. Wow, what a small world.

Also, Mike asked me if I wanted to play in his band. Thinking about it.

So I called Frank that night and told him that his old buddy Mike was going to be making my stuff, and he filled me in on some details. Turns out the singer in Mike's band is... SAM. The same Sam who said he knew someone who could make my stuff, and I am betting that person was Mike. Small. World.

Also, since I have been working for the state, I became friends with a coworker who volunteered $10,000 to help me start my company. I did not ask - he offered once I told him what I was doing.

Now I don't know about you, but never in the history of my own personal existence have there been so many "coincidences" in such a short span of time.

- I get a contract job and access to SolidWorks, which enables me to make my model.

- I make one call to DVR. I get hearing aids, glasses, and a job.

- I meet Tina. She knows the lady who gets me the job, and her engineer friend Dan, whom I hire.

- Dan knows Mike. Mike knows my good friend Frank, who introduced me to Sam, who was in a band with Mike.

There are almost a million people living in this immediate area. What are the odds, really? I cannot fathom how freakishly coincidental this all is. And believe me, I don't think it can possibly be coincidence from a purely statistical standpoint. It seems like my prayers about being a good provider are being met. I just wonder what is in store for the other prayer...

Thats great news

I truly believe that God provides.

Thanks for sharing!

Good luck! Hope this all comes together for you.

Hi Blindsided,

I'm happy you undated with this, and wish you well on the development of your product. In your situation I think God is guiding you - you may not realize it yet.

I do have to say that I feel from reading your posts, especially the last, that you seem very intelligent with high verbal skills. Have you considered developing screenplays, novels, etc.? That is what I am considering working on now. You could develop a screenplay of your recent life, send it to Clint Eastwood or other producers. Of course, if Eastwood did accept your script, he'd probably name the film 'Blindsided', and he'd want to play you...*s*

In all seriousness, you seem like a well-intentioned guy who is frustrated with the situation you're in. Please understand tho that you are still flopping around in terms of attempting to win your ExW back.

Tom

Tom, You are probably more right than I would like to admit. My recent trip to my xWife's parents has been pretty revealing, though. I have found out that while her mom and sister have been avoiding me as a natural reaction to the situation, they seem to be open to talking now. I found out that no one in her family likes the POSOM, so that has got to be hanging over her head. I made a decision to not talk about my xW on this trip, and I think that course of action was beneficial in the end - I let them bring it up if they wanted, and it did come up, as you know.

I am so close to launching this product that I have decided to put my energy there and not worry about the xWife right now. You are not the only one who believes (knows?) that God is guiding me right now. The coincidences defy odds, in my mind. All I can hope is that the xWife is getting some guidance as well, and things will start to look up soon.

My xMIL suggested that I send flowers, but I have done that to no effect so far. I think everyone on her side of the family would like to see the POSOM go away and our marriage be restored.

My 5 yr old tells me she does not like the POSOM. She is old enough that she is expressing herself, and when I was in AZ, she told me that "POSOM" needs to stop hitting her and her sister. THAT got my attention. I think he plays rough with them and they don't like it. Yesterday I asked her if mommy ever asks her if she wants daddy to come home, and she said yes. I am not sure she fully understood the question, but she is way smarter than I give her credit for sometimes. Who knows. I have them this weekend so maybe I'll do some gentle questioning again without making her feel weird.

Also, I noticed that myX has been getting into fitness a LOT - running especially. She had a Dirty Dash T-shirt on last night. I know that POSOM is a gym rat (xFIL says he is not as strong as he thinks he is, that it is all for show.) So who knows, that could be one thing that is keeping her from seeing him for who he really is. Her mom told me that the first time my X and the POSOM got together with her sister and her husband, the POSOM bragged about getting drunk all the time, which they did NOT like. Again, he is NOT popular with her family.

Kind of a bunch of random thoughts there, sorry. Just typing as stuff comes to me.


It is interesting that you should mention the screenwriting thing. In college, a friend and I co-wrote some scripts for a show idea we had, and it got me to enroll in a Broadcasting program and I ended up with a BS in Broadcasting. Nothing ever came of it, but I do have a couple show ideas that I would like to flesh out if I ever get any kind of free time. I know some people in the film industry here in NM, too.

The hitting part has me concerned and I think you need to be investigating that. You seemed to shrug it off with that he plays rough with them.

Kids don't make up stuff like that. You need to protect them.