We have 3 kids. Been together 4 years. I have a habit of putting him down, being ungrateful or unappreciative of the things he does, i focus on what he isnt doing right. I call him names. I kept threaten him to break up and i actually broke up with him last week. In the morning he was like no we're still broken up. Hes letting me stay there still. I was sleeping in the kids room and he let me move back to our bed and we've been affectionate. Can i still save my relationship? I am trying sooo hard to be nice and sweet and not fight. He thinks its not going to work out. His family pretty much hates me and bad mouth me. They dont care that I love him or about the kids all they hear is the negative stuff. What should I do? I told him I was never going to give up and keep trying. Its almost like that one letter about saving the relationship with one person. Hes being decent to me but hes not really actively trying like i am. Please please help guys. I know I screwed up.

Why don't you get the book Lovebusters and focus on changing your behavior? The book will teach you how to present your complaints to him in a respectful way.

Ive been reading a lot of articles. I even signed up and have been seeing a therapist. Ive been treating him a lot nicer and Im trying to be supportive. Things seem like they're getting better, but he still tells me "i dont think this is going to work, im trying to talk myself into staying but the cons are too much." Ive been extremely respectful and nice and sweet. But he tells me Im being fake that Im forcing this to work. And that to stay together for the kids isnt good enough for him. I truly love him and he tells me he loves me too and that he does want to be with me but that theres too much stuff that went on and that hes forcing himself to try to work this out but he just knows its over. We're broken up right now but we still live together and we're trying to work things out. What can I do or say to make him realize we should keep trying??

I would just keep trying and explain to him that new habits do feel "fake" at first but if oyu do it long enough, they become a habit. You aren't going to save your marriage by reading articles, you really need the book Lovebusters.

If you are living together you are not broken up.

Ok I just bought the audiobook Im going to listen to it. Im doing everything like normal best I can but its so hard. I started taking some antidepressants I had from a while ago. What do I tell him when he asks me for reasons to stay together? I mean clearly I am in love with him and couldnt imagine my life without him. And our kids need both of us not shared custody. I really screwed up I know. I took him for granted. And now I feel like Im losing my mind and my life is going to end if we break up. He went to his sisters house she invited him over Im not welcome his family hates me. Its just really depressing and I feel hopeless.

Helpmeet welcome to MB so sorry you are going through all of this. I hate to ask this but I have found that people have a hard time leaving their family and being alone even in cases where their spouse was unfaithful unless they have someone to go to.

So are you aware of any OW in his life meeting his emotional needs instead of you? And, have you been unfaithful to him?

No matter how well you doing in meeting his needs and not doing any love busters, if he is having an affair you will be spinning your wheels and focusing on the wrong things to save your marriage.

By the way could you explain what you mean by his family doesn't like you. Why don't they like you? What have you done for them to feel that way?

OK several things to answer Life4799. Hes not seeing anyone else Im 100% positive. Thats never been an issue. Ive been so controlling to the point where he doesnt have ay female friends or even male friends. The other woman so to speak in this equation would be his business and school. Hes so dedicated to it and it takes priority over everything else. I've never been unfaithful to him but...i have a coworker who is literally my best friend who i was texting 24/7, Ive stopped now but it was a serious issue for my significant other even though nothing was going on and he could see the texts. He felt jealous like why couldnt i confide in him and I could in my friend. He wanted to be alone to focus on school and his business. He says i make him want to quit life and smoke weed all day. I feel like Im making him depressed. His family and I used to be very tight. Me and his mom were like best friends. We actually had dinner with his parents like 2-3 weeks ago. Long story short... his family they're all instigators. They're all about the he said/she said bull$hit. His mom was playing both sides she would give me great advice and not to break up and to keep trying; while bad mouthing me to her son telling him to leave me and kick me out. So I confronted her and told her to stop being two-faced. Last night he went to dinner at his sisters and when he got home he was expecting me to bed in bed asleep and upset. I was up folding laundry and waiting for him til 10 and we talked and he said "i do love you and I want this to work I just dont want to be so stressed out all the time about our relationship and I cant take you anywhere." He means he cant take me to family functions. His family is hella pissed that Im still here and not giving up. They want me to give up and move out but I told him I refuse. He just got a letter from the college saying he made the deans list for getting straight a's. My biggest issues with him previously were that he occassionally drank beer and sometimes smoked weed for his back pain and to relax. He doesnt go to bars or out in general. When we're up all night we're up making crockpot foods for the next day. Hes a good person. I just thought that by calling him a POS and spawn of satan... i was motivating him to change and stop the drinking and smoking permanently. He does everything for me and our family. A week and a half ago we went to a waterpark for our kids birthday and I started eating meat again from being vegan for a year just to please him to compromise. Hes almost perfect and I was just never content with his best.

How much of a problem was the drinking and smoking? How many times a day would he do it and how often does he get intoxicated?

Love busters will help you a lot.

It sounds like you have had some good concerns but failed to communicate it in the right way. Here is a good article to help you with your conversations.

It also sounds like you guys stop spending the amount of time you need together to meet the need of UA. Is he willing to go out on dates with you?

By the way do you all have any children together?

Ok honestly the drinking and smoking wasn't really a problem. He drank maybe once a week or once every 2 weeks and he didnt get wasted just a little buzzed. The weed was maybe once a day in the garage or every few days sometimes. He was still fulfilling all his responsibilities and more. The habits just didn't fit into my idea of a "good person." I felt like he was selfish and not doing the right thing. We have 3 kids, 1 is mine 1 is his and 1 is ours. Our kids dont need anything they have everything they need and more he makes sure of it. I work full time as an accountant for a distributor of oil field parts. Honestly he was never out of line. It just didnt fit my mold of what I wanted. I wanted him to be sober ALL the time not even special occassions, no smoking ever, and all his free time to either spend with me or to be doing something productive no bull$hitting time. Im extremely efficient and wanted him to be MORE efficient like a machine. We were so happy when I was pregnant, he constantly told me how happy he was and how perfect I was. As soon as our baby was born I changed completely. I was pissed off all the time because he was always working or in school, I had to watch our 2 rowdy boys and drive them around, i had a newborn baby and hardly any sleep ever. I just felt so resentful that I didnt feel like he was helping me enough. I was babysitting part time, I was also getting $2000 a month unemployment, I was trying to help him make ends meet while being a stay at home mom. When he got home from work I made sure I looked perfectly beautiful and clean, the house was clean and the kids were clean and studying, dinner was made, shopping and all that was done. I felt like a doormat after a while, like he wasn't grateful for all that I did like hes just entitled to it. I changed into this rigid b and all i've done is push everyone away from me. I hurt the person I love the most in the world because I was always concerned with one upping him and showing him how much better I was than him. I would argue just for the sake of having a different opinion and being right all the time. I didnt care what it took but I just wanted to be right. As far as UA, occassionally my parents take all the kids for 2-3 nights every other week so Im not paying too much to the daycare, to spend time with the kids and so I can get some rest and spend time with Brian. But lately we havent been doing much of anything together alone. I asked him if we could this weekend and he said no because he has a ton of hw to do and papers to write. I just want to be that person again that he loved so much.

Are you married?

It doesn't sound like any of your concerns weren't valid concerns that you both need to use the The Policy of Joint Agreement to resolve.

How long have you been married and did you live together when you were dating? What was it like when you all were dating?

The other child that he has, is that child from a previous marriage? If so, what happened in that marriage and how is his relationship with the mother of that child?

Just for my clarity you guys have no consistent UA time on a daily bases and occasionally have free time that could be used for UA time (but doesn't always) when your mother takes your kids. Is that correct?

No we are not married. We've been together 4 years living together pretty much all of them. We're planning/were planning to get married in 2 years once I was done with my nursing school and hes done with his computer science degree. I just don't feel like we're much different from being married. We have kids and property together and all of our lives and bills are intertwined.

The difference between being married and living together is like night and day. Just having kids together does not a commitment make. This explains much of the problems in your relationship. This would be what Dr Harley refers to as a renters relationship: Living Together Before Marriage: Compatibility Test or Curse?

We've been together 4 years total. Our dating was pretty much excellent we were always happy and even during my pregnancy everything was GREAT. I just changed not sure why. I became rigid and close-minded and intolerant of anyone different or opinions that differed from mine. The other child his, was from when he was 19. He ended it with her after several years of her being a party animal and not wanting to grow up and be responsible. They have a ok decent relationship now i mean she drops him off and we pick him up and we all dont really talk much. Last thing he talked to her about was changing his schools to be near our new house. My relationship with my first other childs dad is ok hes married i tolerate them. As far a UA, yeah we dont have consistent time alone. We used to but his parents dont want to babysit for us, mine will but they live far away. Mon-Fri i have the kids in daycare 8-5pm and after that I get them. The only alone time we get is at bed time. And sex isnt an issue or my looks. Or his looks. We have sex like 2-3 times a day even still now sometimes. Things look like theyre looking up today. Can I please get a guy perspective too, am i just intolerable? Im 26 and I act like I am a 70 year old prude close minded old lady. I never want to go drink or party or dance. We have tickets to an Eminem and Rihanna concert... and I really dont even wanna go because I think it's going to be too wild and I dont want to drink. Im just always worrying about what if this happens or that. Its like I walk around with an open umbrella waiting for the rain to come.

Well both of us are afraid of getting married. Both of our parents are still married to each other. But we both only want to be married once so Im not trying to rush this. I want us to work out our problems first and be in a good place before we get married. His sister lived with her bf for like 5 years and they broke up and dated other people and like a month later they got back together and were married like 5 months after that. So I get what your saying but i still think theres a significant tie. We have a family together and we love eachother very much. I just want someone to confirm that I SHOULDNT GIVE UP. That I should ignore his family and his requests to let go and keep trying. Im trying to listen to that book and read all these articles but I have 3 kids here and its kinda hard to focus lol.

Living together ruins relationships because you develop a renters mentality instead of a buyers mentality. You are "testing" each other and as soon as one person flunks the test, the experiment is over. Whereas, in a marriage, you have made a commitment to fix the problems because tho have bought the house, so to speak.

Living together is always a temporary arrangement until something better comes along and it sounds like your boyfriend has moved on. You cannot force him to stay in this relationship with you, especially since he has no legal tie to you.

Instead if looking at marriage books/articles, I would check out the book Buyers, Renters and freeloaders. It will help you understand the damage created by living together.

So... you're saying just give up and move on from baby daddy #2? Just because we arent married? Im sorry but my parents have been together 35 years. They recently got married like 4 years ago. And only because of retirement benefits. So my parents were roommates and it didnt matter that they had us kids? Sorry but i refuse to let my relationship die because we arent in a legally binding agreement. I dont need a piece of paper to define my love for him and his love for me. Im not going to let him move on oh because we dont have a piece of paper saying we have to. Im going to force this and make it work thanks for the great advice. Oh you have kids? Well screw that you dont have a piece of paper thats more important than your children. Sorry Im offensive. But thats offensive. Oh just let him go hes moved on hes JUST A BF. No he isnt hes so much more to me than that. And we just built a shelf together. So things are progressing. Dont tell people to move on because theyre not married its ignorant sorry. Not everyone is all religious and feels the need to get married. My parents have been married 5 years out of 35 years. They never felt the need for a piece of paper. Sorry if i offended you but telling someone to move on is bad advice. I need hope and inspiration not to be knocked down in my path. Thanks.

No one has told you to move on. MelodyLane simply stated that it sounds like your boyfriend has moved on and that you can't force him to stay.

Religious or not, living together is not like being married. Marriage is much more than a piece of paper. It's a legally binding agreement. When people go through the marriage ceremony, they often make vows to one another. Yes, the vows can be broken, but they were once made.

In a buyer relationship, each person is open and honest with the other and agree to negotiate to solve their problems. In a renter relationship, there is often sacrifice, which is bad for the relationship. A renter stays until something that is better comes along. It really has little to do with being religious.

Take a look at this excellent thread related to Dr. Harley's book "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders." We read it after being married for 30 years and learned a lot about relationships and why we struggled in our own marriage.

Here

Ya i mean im not opposed to reading these books. But to say my relationship is less valid or sacred than kim kardashians 3 marriages because she had a legally binding agreement is kinda a slap in the face.my parents didnt get married til several years ago that doesnt change anything. I have a friend who married his gf after a month and they have a 2 year old and a new born baby and theyre separated getting a divorce he has a new gf so idk what to tell you. Our relationship is like being married sorry i want a badass luxury wedding when we're done with school. We've had a lot of blow out fights and issues and we always work through them. This whole moving on thing is my fault because i kept saying it and using it as ammo against him and id make him beg. But i am going to read this stuff guys. Thanks for the help. He has a legal tie to me: a baby and child custody and support if we break up. Im doing this because i love him i know hes my soul mate truly. I just lost sight of what is important. Everythings pretty much almost good except his fam hates me but i want to continue to learn and expand my emotional intelligence so when we do get married itll be lasting.