Hello all! I'm new to the boards and have a couple of questions.


I'll start with some background on what brought me here. My wife and I have been married for 7 years. We have 3 children. A little over a month ago (mid-May) my wife found out that I had been having an affair, which at that time had been going on for a month (from mid-April until discovery). Of course her world was shattered and I feel and felt over the course of that month extremely low and guilty. I know it makes no sense as to why I carried on IF I indeed "felt guilty". The affair wasn't an "everyday thing", with me and the OW only meeting up a total of 5 times (had sex 4 out of those 5 times) over the span of that month. Since DDay my wife and I have done an immense amount of talking in an attempt to try to figure out how our relationship got "there". We both discovered MB in our own free time and thought it was such a great site that we had both decided to show it to each other, unbeknownst that we had each already found it. I have probably scoured the site from front to back and have become very familiar with Dr. Harley's teachings and the Forum are the last corner of this place that I HAVEN'T read front to back. Throughout our discussions and completing some of the exercises outlined, we have discovered that although our marriage was actually in pretty good shape beforehand, there were some deep underlying issues (important emotional needs not being met) on both of our parts that we actually HAD talked about but not in great enough depth. We have both committed to rebuilding and restoring our marriage and have began the process.

As far as the affair, yes, exposure has taken place to relavent sources, there has been no contact with the OW, we have taken steps to try to begin fulfilling the emotional needs that we both deem important to our respective selves and each other, one of which is praying together (a place where I've always felt not particularly "good" at) and attending worship services and both the sermons we have been in attendance for and a gentleman that I've spoken with at the church have spoken on and mentioned key phrases and teachings closely (if not exactly) related to things Dr. Harvey speaks on, and we've also been fortunate enough to have been assigned a counselor through my job's employee assistance program who adopts Dr. Harvey's teachings. We both see these and other things as confirmation that we are taking steps in the right direction. I have also disabled all of my social media accounts.

As for my questions...

#1) I have searched the forums and have yet to run across the topic. I was wondering what, if at all, does Dr. Harvey, or any of the knowledgable people of the boards feel about "revenge cheating"? My wife is extremely devestated and I truly understand that, and right now she's of the mindframe that "it's not fair" and "she needs to do to me what I did to her so I know how it feels" and that "my actions have made her feel completely undesirable and unattractive and it would be, if for nothing else, her own ego and self esteem". While I am not in agreeance with this stance, I almost feel like I don't have a right to contest it and I pretty much opened the gate and brought it upon myself. How or what could I say about that, if anything? Do I even have the right or would it just come off as hypocritical?

#2) My other question(s) are concerning the "recovery" stage. When exactly should the affair "never be brought up again"? To date, all pertinent information and questions have been divulged and answered. While the discussions of it have decreased, there are still times where thoughts arrive in my wife's mind or something may act as a trigger, then the talking ensues. Again, all details of the who, whens, and "whys" have been disclosed, so now when her brain moves in that direction, these thoughts and questions revolve moreso around "intimate" details of what occured (such as "acts" and conversations).

#3) As far as the "no contact" goes on my end, as I've stated, there has been none and never will be again, but my question is should that now also apply to my wife? I'm not sure if she's had these thoughts recently, but there have been times since DDay where she has found herself wanting to visit the OW's house or job or attempt to call her. At this point should that cease on her part too? Again, this is another thing I'm not sure if I should say anything about it at all because it is I who opened up this doorway. I'm reluctant to speak on this and the other things I've mentioned because I don't want it to come off as if I'm trying to keep her from any other information she may feel she needs to know. I have given her everything she has requested thus far but understandibly, I know she's going to have her doubts so she may feel the need to dig further in whatever ways necessary and the last thing I want is to seem like I am trying to keep her from anything. Again, do I even address the issue at all or do I let her continue as long as she feels its part of the "healing process" for her?

Any advice on these matters will be greatly appreciated. Thanks to all in advance!

Hi DT, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am glad you made it here. I hoop your wife wil also join us.

To answer your questions:

1. Revenge affairs will only harm your wife. Climbing into the pig pen and behaving like a skank will not make her feel better. It will make her feel worse. What will make her feel better is JUST COMPENSATION. I will post the article next.

2. The affair should not be brought up again because it will keep her triggered and will harm your relationship. But.....let US tell her this.

3. No contact does not apply to your wife and she may want to approach the OW to get her side and to make sure she knows to stay away. That is her prerogative.

I would avoid talking to your wife about her "healing process" since you are the one that inflicted the wounds.

And lastly, you discussed all these "deep reasons" for the affair but missed the most critical reason: poor boundaries around the opposite sex. Has that been addressed and resolved? Because If this TOP REASON Is not addressed, all the need meeting in the world will not protect your wife from another affair.

I am assuming you have the right book, which is Surviving an Affair, if not, please get it pronto. The steps in this article are what will make your wife feel better- having an affair will make her feel WORSE:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

Also, to whom has it been exposed? Your children, close family? Is the OW married and if so, has her spouse been informed?

Is this a workplace affair?

There are always reasons for an affair, but there are never excuses. While all your emotional needs may not have been met, the reason people have affairs is because they don't protect themselves and their spouse from having one. They have poor boundaries around the OS. And that's why you had an affair.

The reason you carried on the affair even though you felt guilty throughout is because affairs cause many of the same physiological responses as any drug addiction. People having an affair experience some the euphoric highs and adrenalin thrills of an addiction.

How do you know this OW? Have you made it impossible to ever contact her, or her you, again? If she lives close by or works with you, Dr. Harley recommends moving away.

As to your wife wanting to have a revenge affair - yes, betrayed spouses will often do this, or at least consider it, but it always complicates things and makes the marriage recovery very difficult, even impossible. She won't feel any better about herself, that's for sure, for letting some guy have sex with her. It is likely to make her feel even worse than she does now.

After all your wife's questions have been answered to her satisfaction, so that she knows all she wants to know about this tragedy in her life, then the affair should never be brought up again. Talking about the mistakes of the horrible past only brings them into the present, making you both miserable. It's one of the enemies of good conversation. I did this a lot, and it held back our recovery.

You and your wife need to do your best to remove as many triggers as possible. Moving away is often a critical part of recovery in spite of the downsides and inconvenience of the moving process.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Have you both instituted Extraordinary Precautions for life?

Are you aware of the following?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.