Red I would change your number and contact details. Until you do you are going to continue to field stupid calls about spatulas and the like. It would also send a strong message that you don't care about his threats and don't need to hear any more.

If he's so sure he's got legal rights he can engage a lawyer and get it done right. Badegering you achieves nothing and just shows that he's got nothing up his sleeve except a plan to wear you down.

I'd take BR's advice and tell his daughter that his goods are at a storage facility and if he shows at your home the police will be called. This could be your last message before you change your details.

Red,

Doing okay?

AM

I want my husband back.

Hang in there!
Change is hard but sometimes for the better.

I don't know your situation Jedi but aren't there times when you would love to have your wife sitting there beside you and it wouldn't matter what anybody else thought or said about it?

Red,

I am guessing you saw your husband when he was an town and he turned on the charm. He knows how to attract women. He's done it several times and then he shows himself to be the freeloader that he really is. As much as he has said and done, he still has a love bank balance with you. This is why Plan B is so important.

I am sorry you are feeling badly.

AM

I know you and everybody else are correct but I cannot just cut off contact w/o sending a letter or something. I do believe he can change IF he wants to. Help me with a Plan B letter please.

Have you read the Plan B letters in here?
How to Plan B Correctly

A plan B letter will be so good for you. They say on average an abused woman leaves 8 times before she stays gone. It is a horrible thing for you to go through, but also for your kids, fearing your safety. A plan B letter will help you avoid getting on that yo-yo, gives you a concrete list of what "set up for success" looks like.

Jedi I totally loved what you said on another thread about settled for crumbs and then complaining you don't have a loaf of bread. Redhead, you can raise the bar high and get to enjoy the loaf of bread. Then these crumbs from this last time period here will truly sink back into perspective. I'm so grateful you are here where folks will help you protect yourself from temporary fleeting feelings. You are such a special woman and deserve to take wonderful care of yourself.

Red, do keep in mind that Dr Harley said he wasn't going to give you a plan to get him back because he is not a safe person to be near you.

So I don't think the majority of Plan B letters (do x and do y and then you can come home) is appropriate in your case.

I think Dr H has overseen situations where an unsafe spouse had to live away from the home for over a year and attend anger management throughout and meet strict criteria in order to prove he was safe before returning home.

If that was possible he would have suggested that to you. Dr H does not take marital commitment lightly. Please do see that you are very likely dealing with a hopeless case.

I agree with you wholeheartedly that he can change IF he wants to (though it would probably be long, hard work with dedicated professionals to cure his anger). What you seem to constantly overlook is that he doesn't want to in the slightest and he never has. He has done this to a lot of other women besides you. He is not a buyer and finds PoJA or giving the lady a say a ridiculous idea. He has no interest in providing care.

The fact is he never was a true husband - he just pretended at the outset he could be one and then never delivered. You're mourning a mirage. If you were to cut off contact you would feel a lot better in a few months time and wondering what on earth your dilemma regarding contact with him was all about.

I have felt the pangs of the lovebank too. I thought I would have to tie myself down to prevent myself resuming contact at one point. But I didn't and I got better. A whole lot better. My entire life and even my career is so much better without that dead weight of unhappy love.

Today I am so glad I did because I am in a relationship with a wonderful person who makes me happy instead of one who gave me constant misery and blame.

Wouldn't you prefer to have happiness? Instead of contact with that feeling of unhappy love?

Why don't you try going away somewhere for a few weeks? Somewhere without cell reception and truly think it over. Your safety is at risk.

I wish I could afford to go away somewhere by myself for a few weeks but I can't. I keep trying to think things through, to be logical...keep my emotions out of the equation but I am an emotional person.

Is it possible for someone to post Mortarman's "The Roles of Husbands and Wives". I've seen it referred to on the forums but when I click the link I get a pop up that states access denied.

It has apparently been removed.

That's a shame, as I love his posts.

Red, I hope you're doing OK today and I just wanted to say don't give up because you are an emotional person. I am too and no matter how much MB I absorb or use, I have strong emotions nevertheless.

But you get used to enduring them and doing the logical thing nontheless. Just as you have done. Look how far you hgave come - you should be proud.

In the early days, someone told me my pain was like the shadow of a mountain. Just because I had been walking for many days and was still in shadow did not mean I always would be. One day the mountain would be a blip on the horizon behind me. That day came!

The important thing is to keep walking.

Red,

I am glad you posted. I have been wondering how you are doing. I think Indie's analogy is a good. Keep going. It WILL get better.

AM

Feeling lonely, mopey, and tired tonight. I took my son to college this past weekend, I did not realize how tough it would be on me on that long drive home.

I remember when people would say something to me about me having an empty nest and I would just brush it off. I would tell them that I was so ready for an empty nest because I had had kids in my home for over 42 years...I was so wrong.

I do have plans for this weekend but I am just not feeling enthusiastic about them.

I am going to work both days this weekend. I am also going to have my grandson tomorrow evening. My neighbor and I are going to take him to a festival in a nearby town. Then my son and his family are coming over on Sunday. I will also be going to Sunday services with another neighbor.

It's not that I don't have things to do and even people around me. It's weird but I still feel lonely.

Lady,

I am sorry you are feeling low right now. We have three kids and when the last one went off to college last fall, I was teary on the way home. And I love when they come to visit.

I think it is good you have busy plans for this weekend. Your grandson is lucky to get the one-on-one time with you. Hope you are feeling better soon.

AM

The point you are at right now, it couldn't be more natural for a long drive to turn into a sad reflection. That's any long drive much less dropping your son off at college!

Also the plans you make for yourself: they just don't seem satisfying or like much use against the loneliness. I registered for a night class to improve my prospects and (it seemed) all it did was place me amongst women in happy couples.

However the class did pay off ... Eventually. New friends did pay off too. My whole life is better but it didn't happen overnight.

Its very rough for quite a while and it IS lonely. Even though you have us.

I went to church yesterday (my friend and I are church shopping) and the people there were wonderful. The sermon was ok but the songs were fantastic. Every once in awhile, a song will move me to tears...I don't even remember what the song was but I was singing at the top of my lungs and raising my eyes to the heavens...I felt like God was standing right next to me.

I actually had a wonderful weekend. I spent time with my two youngest grandsons and I can't help but feel happy when the youngest one turns that toothless little grin on me. I also either saw or spoke to all of my children this weekend.

I took my 2 year old grandson to a local festival, gave him a dollar and watched him pay for his very own yo-yo balloon. He loves that toy.

All in all, it was a great weekend.