By the end of this post there will be some questions that I am seeking advice on, so please feel free to offer advice on all, some or even just one. � This turned out longer than I had anticipated, so thank you to those that get to the end.
My husband and I have been married for 6 and half years. We have 3 children combined, 2 from my previous marriage, and 1 from his.

Over the past (at least) six months or so, him and I have been very distant with each other. It wasn�t a lack of love, but it was certainly a lack of providing any emotional needs for each other. We weren�t even talking about it. I felt that we had time to worry about it later (so much better things to worry about, right? Work, kids, household, etc); I kept telling myself that we had �time� to fix it. He realized how he felt and how unhappy he was but did not talk to me about it. The end result was him forming a friendship with a married co-worker and building a relationship with the woman.

That relationship started towards the end of March. First it was talking at work, and then they traded phone numbers so that they could arrange times to meet and just talk, then it progressed to admitted emotions on both parts. There was touching and kissing to follow. May 6th was D-Day. I knew something was going on and I gave him the ultimatum that he let me see his cell phone or he get out. He chose to leave that morning, and that is when the affair became physical.

Within a few days he had returned home to our family, but he promised to my and to our children that he had not slept with her.

We decided that we loved each other, and I made the decision to forgive him for the emotional betrayal (I was still not aware at the time that he had slept with her). The next two weeks were difficult in trying to get a healing process started. There were arguments, ups and downs. One week after having sex with the OW, he went and did it again�and of course came home to me afterwards. Things got worse; I could tell he was holding back and not really �here� with me. On May 25th he came clean that he had, had sex with her (only once he said!). I reacted in the worst possible way that I could have � I flew into a fit of rage that included physical violence towards him, which in turn, he did to me as well.

During that fit of rage I sent a text to his boss and informed him of the affair � the affair is a direct policy violation. My husband considered this a �set-up.� He decided that I knew all along that he had slept with her and that I planned the whole thing; waited for him to come clean so that I could cost him his job and destroy his life.

Over the next few days the only real contact was over text messaging. When it was decided that we could talk to each other and not be violent we met at a public, neutral location so that we could talk. I think that we both went into it for closure; figuring out the logistics of how to end a life together. But that is not what happened. We talked, we cried, laughed and loved. We decided that the love we felt for each other was too good to just let it go. He came home again on May 28th.
After he came home we discussed it (I had been lucky enough to find Marriage builders website during our time away from each other), and decided that he would quit his job. Immediate separation from the woman was necessary. So he quit. Within a few days OW contacted him and myself over Facebook, apologizing for her part in what had been done and told us both that if he wanted his job back and could get it back (he did not give notice), then she would immediately quit. When he contacted his boss, it was learned that OW had also contacted his boss and director and told them that if they hired him back, she would leave. Within a week, he was rehired with a clear policy violation in his record. BUT, surprise, OW did not quit. He and I decided to try to have patience with it and see what happened. Maybe she wouldn't be able to stand being around him and would leave. Maybe she had given notice and we just had to wait. But no, I don�t believe she ever had any intention of quitting.

We were still trying to work on us�talking more than we ever had, we set up complete transparency (Cell phones, he changed his number, all emails, work schedules, passwords to everything). Our sexual intimacy was more frequent that it had been our entire marriage. There was real desire back in our relationship, and that was amazing. During this time he would slowly start coming clean about things that he had previously lied about: how he had told me he had only had sex with her once but in reality it was 2 different days, one week apart); he went in to more detail (in response to my questions) about how the affair was emotional for him, that he didn't think that he loved her but felt that he could have, there were a lot of small things that kept coming out. I felt like the wound that he had inflicted on me was healing and then being torn open, healing again, being torn open again. I wanted complete honesty and openness.

During this time, we also became aware (although OW had told him and I both that she had come clean with her husband about the affair), that OW husband had NO idea what had happened. On June 14th, I printed out all the emails that she had sent me (which was filled with false dates, some truths, and some complete lies), and I gave the information to her husband. I believed he had a right to know, and also there was hope that he would make her quit her job so they could work on their marriage. She did not quit. She did proceed to email me with the most disgusting level of intimate information about their affair, told me how I was not good enough because my husband fell in love with her, informed me that I was just upset because he went out and found himself a �hot piece of #$� and went back for more. He came clean that night he had an additional email account that he had created during the affair for them to communicate, but that he had de-activated the account that day. I re-activated the account and read the emails between them that he had not deleted.

In those emails I learned that she had requested that they meet, that she needed closure. On June 10th, he had gone and met her and spent about 10 minutes talking with her. He apologized to her for what happened, apologized that she had been hurt, and explained that he loved me and was going to make it work with me. He told me that he did this behind my back because he thought it would make her go away, without causing any more pain or loss. He thought maybe if he gave her the closure she wanted then maybe she would hold her promise of quitting her job. After that meeting there were about 5 or 6 emails from her (with no response from him). The emails were back and forth between offering sexual favors, to how much she hated him, and then back to sex again. I began to see that this woman seemed really unstable. Over the next few days at work she confronted him that they needed to talk. He told her that that was not going to happen. She continued to contact him at work, and he began to keep a log of the incidents. We made a decision to send a �no contact� letter to her, in the event that her unstable behavior became frightening, we wanted to have legal action to fall on.

The contact at work kept going. She started including other co-workers in her instability. She was telling other people (this was seen in texts) that they needed to make sure that he felt responsible for what he had done. He ruined her marriage, her husband had left her � when, in fact, her husband did not leave her and they were trying to work it out. Each and every contact that she made, my husband immediately contacted me and told. At that point we decided that he would file a complaint with Human Resources due to harassment/hostile work environment. This would at the very least make the contact stop, at the most (and preferred) she would get fired or quit. She did not get fired, but received a first, last and only warning that ALL contact with him would stop. That was only a few days ago.

Things are very hard for us right now. There is a ton of anger and resentment on my part for him, and he is stuck in self-hatred and guilt. We fight, a lot. I feel like a crazy woman bouncing back in forth from trying to help him get through the pain and guilt, to trying to cause the pain and guilt.
Here I will address the things I think I need some advice on (but I would love advice on anything at all).

1) How do I move past the resentment and anger? The steps I have taken so far is to read suggestions online, do some research on tips and tricks to control it, I bought a notebook that I write my angry and hurtful statements in to try to avoid saying the things to him.

2) Should he quit his job�again? Should we try to remain patient and see if she self-destructs (she seems to be unstable and unable to keep her mouth shut). We are not exactly rich and losing � of our income will cause even more issues to deal with.

3) Should her husband know that she has continued to contact my husband? That she continued to offer sexual favors and express her feelings towards him? That she sent me emails on how PROUD she was of herself for what she had done�does he need to know that, or I am just seeking revenge there?

4) I know that I love him and that I want to make this work � I just feel stuck in our healing process. I have my own inner arguments�I love him, I want it to work; how could he do this to me? Who is this man, because he is NOT the man that I thought I knew. There is so much turmoil inside me that at times it is hard to even look at him � to feel so much love and so much hatred at the same time is causing me to question my own sanity.

5) There are material things that cause me pain. I am unsure as to why I obsess on certain things, but I do. For example, his clothes � through our entire marriage he has always had a hard time buying himself clothes. I have purchased most of what he owns and it breaks my heart that something like that (something that meant so much to me, something that was part of US) was ignored over and over. He wore the things that I bought him every time he saw her, kissed her, and was intimate with her. I suggested a new wardrobe and he started purchasing a few things yesterday. We went to go through his clothing last night to start getting rid of things and it turned into a giant, hurtful fight. He feels he has lost enough and I feel like I cannot have the constant physical reminders of what he did to me.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Can I give you a bit of advice that will help you get more responses? Cut your post back to 3-4 short paragraphs. That is way too long for most people to read. We do not need a ton of superfluous informatuon to understand the situation. You would be doing yourself a big favor if you just summarized your situation. Thank you.

I assumed it was probably too long, but it is just hard to explain simply when it feels so convoluted. I am unsure as how to edit my post, I don't see the option anywhere.

I think the time limit has passed, so you might just summarize it in a new post on this thread if you are so inclined.

I happen to be sitting in an airport and was able to digest some of this. I am unclear about one thing: did your husband quit his job yet?

I will just state that your marriage will not recover unless he leaves the job. Recovery is impossible and cannot even begin until that happens. Of course they are in contact at work. Your husband is not going to tell you when they hook up at work.

Call the ow's husband and expose this affair to everyone. Expose to your children , family, friends, and to the OWs Facebook friends. And most especially, expose to human resources. Do this directly without forewarning your husband.

Once the affair is truly ended, you can start on the steps of recovery outlined in Survivng an Affair.

I am very, very alarmed for you because the longer this drags out the more entrenched it becomes and the more likely this bunny boiler OW turns up pregnant. You need to stop playing around with this and get him out of that job or you will have nothing left.

And one final question: have either of you have an affair in your last marriages?

Your H will need to leave that job since the OW hasn't left. They can't work together. He must never see or contact that woman again, and he must do all that's necessary to ensure no contact is able to be made for life. If she lives nearby, Dr. Harley often recommends a move far away.

Her betrayed husband should be informed that they have been in contact. He could be keeping watch on his end.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? You should get a copy right away and read it. Follow the guidance of Dr. Harley. He has saved thousands of marriages from the tragedy and fallout of affairs.

The affair needs to be exposed to your family, your friends, clergy. If he doesn't agree to leave the workplace, it will need to be exposed again to his supervisors and HR department. Expose the OW's family and friends as well.

This is Plan A: Expose, eliminate your love busters, and express a willingness to meet your H's needs once the affair is over.

Read up on exposure Here

If your husband chooses recovery and ends the affair the right way, you and your H will build a much better marriage - a marriage that is passionate, romantic, and safe.

But first, the affair has to end. Work on that first. And make sure that you commit NO love busters.

Welcome to MB and I'm sorry you are going through this. It is very long but sometimes it is good to get a good reminder of what happens when an Affair happens. I will answer your questions as you stated them.

Q1) How do I move past the resentment and anger? The steps I have taken so far is to read suggestions online, do some research on tips and tricks to control it, I bought a notebook that I write my angry and hurtful statements in to try to avoid saying the things to him.

A1) It is going to be hard to stop being angry as long as you are continuing to be reminded of the affair. Your husband needs to leave his job and had no contact with her. You can't move on with continuous reminders of the affair. Your anger is always going to win in that situation.


Q2) Should he quit his job�again? Should we try to remain patient and see if she self-destructs (she seems to be unstable and unable to keep her mouth shut). We are not exactly rich and losing � of our income will cause even more issues to deal with.

A2) If you want to save your marriage he has to. I believe even if she quits or gets fired she will not stop contacting him there and as many have before, your husband will reconnect with her. Right now he feels like he wants nothing to do with her but as this continues to destroy your love for him the idea of hooking back up with her will not seem that crazy.

It's like and alcoholic who stops drinking because something horrible has happened because of it. At the time they are certain of the sobriety an a moment later they find a drink in their hands.

Q3) Should her husband know that she has continued to contact my husband? That she continued to offer sexual favors and express her feelings towards him? That she sent me emails on how PROUD she was of herself for what she had done�does he need to know that, or I am just seeking revenge there?

A3) You need to give her Husband any information you have about their affair and every time she continues to contact him he should know. I'm sure if he is continuing to contact her you would like to know.

Q4) I know that I love him and that I want to make this work � I just feel stuck in our healing process. I have my own inner arguments�I love him, I want it to work; how could he do this to me? Who is this man, because he is NOT the man that I thought I knew. There is so much turmoil inside me that at times it is hard to even look at him � to feel so much love and so much hatred at the same time is causing me to question my own sanity.

A4) The definition of depression is a feeling of hopelessness and I would imagine you are feeling that way. You should see a Dr to help you cope with your depression, while you go through this.

Q5) There are material things that cause me pain. I am unsure as to why I obsess on certain things, but I do. For example, his clothes � through our entire marriage he has always had a hard time buying himself clothes. I have purchased most of what he owns and it breaks my heart that something like that (something that meant so much to me, something that was part of US) was ignored over and over. He wore the things that I bought him every time he saw her, kissed her, and was intimate with her. I suggested a new wardrobe and he started purchasing a few things yesterday. We went to go through his clothing last night to start getting rid of things and it turned into a giant, hurtful fight. He feels he has lost enough and I feel like I cannot have the constant physical reminders of what he did to me.

A5) You shouldn't have to see things that remind you of the affair. I'm sure things he did with her in the bedroom are going to be hard for you to do with him again, as well. Everything is sensitive right now but I would focus on making sure there is not a way of them contacting each other first before you look at anything else.

I will try and be as short as possible:
We have made some great strides. The Husband's affair ended, full exposure and and access has been given.
At the start of the exposure, husband left his job and had another. After we were directly contacted by the OW that she was leaving the company, He fought to get his job back and let the other go. Now she has not left and we are stuck with a double problem that we are seeking advice on....
1) Husband is willing to leave his job, but we can not maintain financially -- loss of either income means a loss of home and being in dire straits within 20-60 days. We do not have the money to move out of the area as well.
2) The OW has turned crazy. She has lied heavily both in public and at work, often with different stories each time. She has tried to make contact with both of us, and not for apologetic reasons. A formal Harassment complaint was filed against her at husband's work and we are considering if we have enough legally for a stalking protective order.

So how do we accomplish the task of eliminating her from our lives without losing everything else?

You should continue posting on your original thread, so that the other members can follow the complete scenario.

Your H had already left the job before. What's preventing him from doing that again? Have any financial circumstances changed materially in such a short time?

He needs to avoid ALL contact with the POSOW. That has not yet been achieved.

Name ALL parties who YOU exposed to. I do not mean who heard your H's version or general gossip. Did YOU send out a precise exposure letter?

What did your letter say if you did?

Have you been keeping the POSOW's Betrayed Husband, (BH), updated?

Did YOU individually inform your children?

Do you have ALL of your H's Passwords?

Has your H changed cell phone numbers and e-mail addresses yet?

Since you have posted so minimally, it is hard to get precise information from your situation to be able to offer more than generalized, yet still necessary advice.

Please fill in the gaps.

LTL

We started a new post on this one, because of the complaints about the length and that it was not getting read (or so we thought)

Your H had already left the job before. What's preventing him from doing that again? Have any financial circumstances changed materially in such a short time?
When H first left there was another job waiting. That has been lost due to denying and returning to work based on the belief we both had about OW being gone

Name ALL parties who YOU exposed to.
We did not do a letter. It was done directly. His work, both sides of family. Our friends, and our children.

Have you been keeping the POSOW's Betrayed Husband, (BH), updated?
No we stopped that contact after a letter of No Contact was sent and signed for by her. Because of the possible legal need we were trying not to give OW ammo to use in court against us. Yes there are things we do not believe he is aware of, because she has changed things into a great many different lies

Did YOU individually inform your children?
Yes and together -- and they have been kept in the loop throughout, good days and bad

Do you have ALL of your H's Passwords?
Yes

Has your H changed cell phone numbers and e-mail addresses yet?
Yes.

I think it may be important to note that we are doing as much together as is humanly possible in "righting the ship" so to speak.

Even this is being done together. Even this is shared between us, directly (we have each other read and see these things for themselves) and not just tell them about what we are doing/did

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread in future.

Thank you for merging them.

Honestly though starting to feel a little put off. The first replies we got to anything were that our post was too long and then to ask several questions that were in the post (as in it was not read).
Now we start this second one and the first thing is how we should have merged them and that it is not long enough.

I am just seeking advice and how we can move forward and it feels as though the "advice" is more about HOW we should be posting rather than what is going on. I have been reading many posts, some longer, some shorter than others and there is very little of this so I guess I am confused as to why that is all I am getting (save for one reply).

The OW should have never been able to make contact again.

You should assume the affair is still ON. Just because it appears that your WH is "on board" does not make your situation any different than any other here on the forum.

Step 1 - all contact must end.

Every single day that he goes to that job, your M is at risk. I get the sense that you think because OW is "crazy" that maybe your H does not still have feelings for her or he sees this and it will keep him away from her. No. It does not matter. Until he leaves that job the affair is still ON.

Step 2 - she should never be able to make contact again. Leaving that loophole open was a mistake and it needs to be closed. But he needs to achieve NC first.

Have you read the information on the website?

This outlines Dr. Harley's MB plan and is a roadmap to having a fulfilling and happy marriage. Have you ordered/purchased the book Surviving an Affair? The plan is clearly explained in detail in the book.

You mentioned your H is reading along on this thread with you is this right? You do know that you are telling your H every thing you are doing to combat the A and he knows what you are not doing and what he can do to keep the A secret right? I know you want to trust your WH but trust is what got you in this situation. You know your WH went behind your back, was dishonest with you and carried on the A for 4 years and you're just all of a sudden trusting him?

You decide how good of a plan that is because to me its obvious.

Nothing else matters until NC is achieved.

It is VERY common for a WS to play along with recovery so that the BS will back off demands that contact must end. I see this tactic weekly on this forum, while the affair continues.

We thought the loophole was closed. She trolled the internet until a post made to a football website two years before was found and replied to it. We got a message in e-mail about someone replying to it (we thought it was a fantasy football game reference). We had no idea it was her until WE looked it up. SO the NC part is there except that she is attempting to stalk us. The contacts are being made through a third party at H work at this point

What is your WH doing about this? Hopefully every free second he has is spent pursing a new job.

He is the one who made a decision to fool around in the workplace - he is the one who risked his job resulting in this issue of "losing everything".

This is HIS mess to clean up. Not yours.