I am going on almost a year now in a marriage situation of being stuck. We have been married 11 years, and 5 prior to that. Three years ago I was traveling a lot and engaged in some situations I am not proud of. My spouse found out that I had engaged in an intimate relationship with someone she knows. I also had some relations with escorts. Yes I am dealing with sex addiction. Many years back I had a problem at the beginning of our marriage too. We worked through it. For many years I thought I was okay, but I continued to seek out porn on line. I then went over the edge and had these relationships. My spouse approached me and I was totally honest with everything.
Fast Forward to now and we are still together, living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, being parents to our daughter, still doing family vacations, etc. I am in therapy, she is not, comes every so often. I have tried to get some reconciliation started, but she won't have it. But the other issue is that is now having an on going affair, I have proof of it and I have confronted her, she says they are only friends.
We have not engaged in any intimate sex in a year. What I find weird though, is she will let me hug her, kiss her on the cheek, cuddled with her in bed and I continue to tell her I Love Her. We have both agreed that we don't want to do something that we ill both regret, we both agreed to not run to an attorney. She has not left or threw me out. We are both basically still together, but not. She is not there emotionally, she has not reciprocated any affection. Neither one of us is making a move, but yet she is having this affair. I am lost and don't know what to do. I want to heal things between us, I know we can. Another thing is we work together, so divorcing is not a simple process for us. Our little girl adores us and has no idea what is going on. We both don't want to break her heart. So how can I get my wife engaged in fixing our marriage? Thank you to all for advise.

What do you mean by "married for 11 years, and 5 prior to that." Did you live together for 5 years before marrying?

Your marriage never recovered from your affairs and pornography. Did you ever expose your affairs to your friends and family? Do you still view porn? Do you still travel?

To recover from your affairs, you and your wife would have needed to examine all the conditions that led to the affairs and pornography and eliminate every single condition. Then you would have worked together with your wife to create a transparent marriage, institute Extraordinary Precautions for life, and build a great marriage, one that is better than the pre-A marriage. It sounds like your wife did a "forgive and forget," the marriage limped along and then she had an affair.

What Dr. Harley would recommend is for you to expose your own affairs and pornography to your friends and family. At the same time, expose your wife's affair. Tell them you need their help in ending her affair and in holding you both accountable.

How old is your daughter? If she is four or older, Dr. Harley recommends telling the children about the affair, too. She can probably sense that something is wrong.

Therapy is usually a total waste of time. You would be better off eliminating all the conditions that led to your affairs and pornography. Many people get rid of their computer or use parental controls. They get rid of the smart phone and get a "dumb" phone. They eliminate travel.

As a man, you can safely be in Plan A for months. You would eliminate all your love busters and express a willingness to make the marriage better and meet her emotional needs once she ends her affair.

Expose the OM. Is he someone she works with?

While you expose, you are kind and patient and loving, no love busters.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? If not, you should get a copy and read it.

What has been done, though, about the "sex addiction?" Did you stop it? What steps have been taken to avoid this? All you mention is that you are going to "therapy" which is a huge distraction from resolving your marriage problems.

Ditto.

From the sound of the set up, the marriage never recovered and your wife turned you into an affectionate roommate. You never paid her any just compensation or rebuilt the romantic love.

Do you understand the steps required to recover and how many did you do? If there wasn't compensation paid to her she will have been forced to distance herself to save herself pain.

I'd say exposure is needed and there is a lot of potential for you to successfully Plan A her. It's very good news that she enjoys your lifestyle together and friendship. That's two out of the three ingredients you need for passion.

Yes I have stopped the pornography. Its been a year, my therapy has helped me with that. I got rid all DVD's I had and do not go online to seek it out any longer. We dated for 5 years prior to marrying. My daughter is 4 going on 5.
I have confronted her about the affair, but all I get is a road block. She denies and says I don't have a right to ask her. She says we are just married on paper, that she doesn't love me anymore. She says she feels trapped, due the fact that we work together, have a child, our lifestyle is based on both salaries, etc. The affair I believe has been going on for maybe 6 months. We have been in this state of limb for a year.
Again we still sleep in the same bed, go on family vacations, go to community/work functions.
Just this morning and yesterday morning I rolled and cuddled with her, she doesn't tell me to move over, don't touch me, nothing. I have made advances to try and kiss her on the lips and she just turns her head.
I don't know about exposing her. I read a lot where the affair will die a natural death. It is purely a physical relationship. I know she is with OM once a week on the days she is off from work. He does not work with us, but it is someone I know, not really mutual friends. The days of the week and at night we are always together at home. we do weekend things with family and friends too.
Since all this I have been constantly loving, patient, compassionate. I tell her I love her everyday, treat well, always with love.
Thanks for your advise

Thank you for response. Yes we are living like roommates. I am trying the rebuild any connection I can with her. I think that having this OM is a wedge between us and need that removed first.
She does, I would think enjoy, our lifestyle and friendship. So what is the third ingredient, I am missing.
I am so affectionate towards here, everyday and have been even before this all happened. showed her and told her everyday I loved her and appreciated her. She can't be that unhappy if she is still around and letting me be affectionate towards her.
I did find out that she did tell someone that, in her heart she could never touch me or love me intimately again.

Hoping, the question was did you live together for 5 years before you got married not if you dated for 5 years before you got married. I know our questions may feel unimportant but every question we ask has great importance. So did you live together for 5 years or not?

Did you expose your affair to your friends, family and your daughter?
What things have you don't to be transparent to wife? You mentioned the things you have done but what things have you put in place so she can be secure? Such as her having all your passwords, access to GPS so she knows where you are at all times, and reporting software so she can track the sites you are visiting.

As I said before we are not pulling these questions out of the air. Please answer them so we can better help.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

As was mentioned before it sounds like your wife's affair may have stemmed from the fact you guys didn't take the steps to recover from your affair. We don't no that for sure until we get a better understanding of the recovery of your affair. Even though we do not believe there is ever an excuse to have an affair, we understand what situations make it more likely to happen.

If you guys didn't recover properly then your wife's affair is a dying branch in a dying tree. An treating the branch is not going to stop it from dying. Only treating the tree will give the branch any chance of surviving.

Don't confront your wife about her affair. She knows she's having one. Do you have evidence of the affair? Keep it in a safe place and EXPOSE her affair, along with your affairs and pornography use. Tell your friends and family that you need help ending her affair. Ask them for help in keeping YOU accountable, too.

You may not know about exposure, but Dr. Harley recommends exposure in affairs, because it's one of the most important weapons against it. Affairs thrive in secrecy. She will be angry and may even threaten to leave you, but exposure will shine the light of reality on what she's doing. Her affair won't be so much fun when everyone around her knows what she's doing. Find out about the OM, too, and expose to his family and friends.

If you just sit back and do nothing, your wife will believe that you don't care what she's doing. She can go on having her needs met by two men.

If she doesn't want you to kiss or hug her, then stop doing that. Meet whatever needs she will allow, such as doing favors for her, being affectionate in other ways besides physical, which is annoying her right now.

Most affairs do indeed die a natural death, but exposure speeds things up.

Did you read the thread about exposure?

We did not live together before getting married, but of course she did stay weekends and some nights during the week. I have exposed my affair and pornography addiction to two friends, not family or daughter. Things I have put in place to help her feel secure is I have removed all videos from our home, I don't surf the net on those sites, I have also discontinued use of facebook because that lead to the affair as well. She can track me anytime she wants through her phone, I have nothing to hide, any longer, I always let her know where I am, but she herself has turned off her tracking because I confronted her about her whereabouts on her days off.
I do not have the book, but will get it. I appreciate the questions you ask and the help you can give.

Thank you. I have not read the tread on exposure, but I will. I do know enough about the OM to expose him.
I think she knows I care about what she is doing because I try to talk to her about it. When she is off, I am always calling and texting her, trying to find out where she is. She knows I care. She just doesn't care.
As far as the affection, I would only say she does not want me to kiss her on the lips. She will let me kiss her on the cheek, she will let me touch her in bed, as far as cuddling, lets me hug her. She can't be that turned off by me to allow that.
I do a lot of favors for her, like tonight cooking her favorite meal. Getting her a favorite dessert.
I do have evidence and it is hidden away.

Hoping,

Your next step is to read Exposure 101 and return after reading it

Today I just watched the video on here about infidelity. Very interesting. I have been thinking of sitting down with my wife and asking her to watch it with me. I know it deals with avoiding an affair, even though she is in one already, what are your thoughts on her watching it? Do you think it may help for her to see the pain she is putting us through? I also thought of watching the other videos on here with her too. Hoping it may open her eyes and make her end what she is doing and then we can start to work towards recovering.
Thanks gaain to all

Don't show her the infidelity video. Don't tip your hand by showing her this website.

Snoop and get your convincing evidence. Then you need to expose your affairs and pornography AND your wife's affair to your friends and family members and ask for their help.

The reason you expose your own wrong-doings is because it was part of the reason your marriage was in poor condition. That, along with poor boundaries, is what causes many affairs.

Dr. Harley recommends getting evidence that would convince a jury. Then follow the steps in the Exposure 101 thread to expose.

Do you have evidence of an affair? Will you be exposing?

You can't educate a wayward, they already know it is wrong.

Five year olds know it is wrong!

They have to close their eyes to their conscience because it is an addiction they can't help.

The only way to free them is to kill the affair with exposure, transparency and accountability. You have to forcibly remove the addiction and it will still be some weeks before they stop raging and go through withdrawal.

Please do it quickly. The longer a persons conscience remains switched off the more evil they get tempted into.

Also, showing her the video will be interpreted as you selfishly going on about your pain. I'm afraid affairs make people horribly self centred.

wow I am so confused. Exposure, it seems so radical and harsh. It's a 50/50 chance it will work or blow up in my face. I don't think I would be tipping my hand by showing her it. I wouldn't show her where the video is from. I have evidence, some photos of her vehicle at house, and some others that I obtained from a kit I bought.
There is so much on the line here, we work together, child, family, etc. God there has to be another way?

You have a 100 PC failure chance by not doing it.

Hoping, a video isn't going to cause your wayward to feel sad about her affair. Waywards are very selfish.

The best thing you can do for her and for the survival of your marriage is to expose her affair. It is in her best interest that the affair is completely killed. And the fastest way to kill an affair is through exposure. It's not very fun or romantic to have an affair when everyone knows what you're doing. Exposure causes conflict between the affair partners.

After you expose to your family and friends, go to the other man and tell him to leave your wife alone or his life is about to become hell. Make sure you expose his affair with your wife to his friends.

You say exposure seems "so radical and harsh." Listen, there is nothing so radical and harsh as betraying your spouse with an affair. Affairs are very destructive and cause a tremendous amount of pain. In order to survive an affair and recover your marriage, you will have to take some radical steps and be very courageous. If you let her continue her affair in peace with no exposure, you are enabling her affair. THAT shows a lack of care on your part. If you truly care for her and about her, you will expose the affair and your affairs and pornography use as advised throughout your thread. Dr. Harley strongly recommends exposure as a strategy to kill an affair.

I read Exposure, but I also read Plan A and Plan B, I think I am gonna stick with the Plan A approach. I did confront her last night again about the situation. Telling her how she is hurting me and the pain I am in, the weight and sleep I am loosing. I also told her that it's not fair to our child. She said, you don't seem to understand it will never be the same, I said I know it will never be the same we can't go back, but it can be much better. We can recover, it is possible, but you need to end what you are doing. No response, she just stares at me. I can't change the past, but we can do something about the present and the future. Told her the financial and emotional toll a divorce would take on all of us, family included. We have lived like room mates for a year now, I said we can recover, you just need to get the wedge out from between us. I am gonna keep meeting her emotional needs and hang in there. I know in my heart, I have hope and faith, if I keep on the affection and caring for her, I can tear her away....please pray.

Exposure is a part of plan A!

Read HERE