It was dark and we were about to sleep. She had scalp pain and she put her hand where the pain was. She was about to cry. Then I put my hand there and prayed. She felt better.

Then after 5 minutes she had pain in her lobule. Again she was about to cry. Again I put my hand where the pain was and started to massage the lobule in between my two fingers. That's what i thought would help her. After I massaged it for a couple of seconds she said it was hurting so I stopped.

She then told me that I don't act like if I was acting towards someone who I love but just like to a random stranger. And that I acted inconsiderately. She said she was worried what would happened if we had a child.

I told her I was considering her feelings and that's why I wanted to help in the first place. Hurting her was unintentional and indeed when she told me that it hurt I stopped. It also happened after the scalp pain so I wanted to help the same way. I asked her what I could have done differently and she didn't know.

She was telling me that her lobule was swollen and massaging it was the wrong treatment.

I told her that I didn't know it was swollen and she didn't tell me and it was dark.

She said I was inconsiderate. She said it's an annoying habit that I have.

When I asked her to specify what the annoying habit was and how she would like me to act instead she didn't know. She said she told me I was acting like if she was someone I didn't know and she would like me be more considerate.

I told her that if there is an annoying habit involved in this I'm happy to change but she would need to be more explicit about it. She should tell me what exactly the annoying habit is and what would she like me to do instead. She said she already told me and I should figure it. I told her that I can't figure it out because its about her feelings and I'm not her. I told her that I can't figure it out and she would need to be more explicit.

Gulliver, welcome to MB! This one is a classic, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8507_fft.html


It's a simple thing to ask while you did that, "does this help?" Women do this stuff instinctively, so she didn't know how to articulate it today. It's okay, you two have a lifetime together to figure stuff out. You did well to finally back off your tough stance while your wife was in pain and tired and get input somewhere neutral.

I agree, how you treated her when she told you she didn't like it was like an emergency room staff trying to finish off the last patient so they could get home. "You need to be more explicit!" Who says that to their wife when she's in pain and tired lol. It's okay, you're in the right place and you'll figure it out too.

Was it something I said?

She said something hurt.
You attempted to do something.
She said that hurt.
So you stopped.
Later she said she didn't like what you did.
You asked what you should do differently.

Now if how you asked was thoughtful, I don't think you did anything WRONG per se. Most likely you were responding in a way that you would want...but it may not be what she would want...but she is having a hart time articulating what she wants. "You should figure it out" is not helpful at all.
What do you know about her Emotional Needs? Can those be a clue?

I do note that you took an action...perhaps adding some kind words of sympathy might help.

So if a kid came to you with a booboo, a parent would clean it and put a band aid on it, but also you would be sayings like "Oh, poor litle guy" or "It's okay".

So maybe she was wanting a hug or an affirmation of how hard she works or a "Let me get you an Advil, poor thing".