DDless, the idea is to create an integrated lifestyle. That is achieved by planning your leisure time together and abandoning independent ventures. If this is something you could both enjoy, it would be great for your marriage. If not, then I would find something that you can both enjoy together.

Don't train on your own if your H doesn't want to train with you. Sports training is a huge haven to have someone else meet your ENs and you cannot afford that right now.

I hope you fully commit to providing Just Compensation as it is so important now.

Don't send the NC letter, let your BH so he knows where it was sent, how it was sent and what was actually sent.

Indie is as concerned as everyone else here that your marriage truly recovers. Please don't be dismissive of those who are, in fact, actually trying to help you. Dr. Harley said on the radio show that he liked your overall plan. That is very hopeful. You will need to finalize the plan with your husband utilizing POJA. I encourage you to focus on actions more than words. What you do will go further than what you say.

This is something we both seem to enjoy as he is very athletic, more so than me. I usually go duriung the day with the twins but will try to go as a family a couple of nights so we can do an activity together. I think working out and doing physical things together increases endorphins and closeness. At least for us. We used to go rock climbing and play basketball etc before the twins.

He was there and watched me send it. Don't have an address. Sent via E-mail. He helped me write it too.

I agree. I already changed my schedule and went to visit daycares in the area because now I will be doing 2 long days a week and not 3-4 short evenings. Have to figure out the daycare and how to pay for it but so far it's looking positive.

Can you get a babysitter? If you can get a babysitter you can count your time working out together as UA time. Working out together makes for an awesome date for the very reasons you gave. Dr Harley recommends working out together quite often.

Do you have someone who can babysit for you several times a week?

Be sure to get rid of the email addy OM used to contact you. Get a new one and make sure BH has the pw.

Great idea. How much time together a week are you planning?

Here's your show.
Radio Clip of DDless's Show

Thanks Brian

So far things have been so so. Was doing really well for a while, not so great the last few days. Still together, H is still here. As of right now I am starting classes in August but at a different campus as I talked about with Dr. H.

Feeling pretty down about stuff. I know DR Harley says that people don't stay married unless they are in love, I am not in love, he is up and down with it. We have spent more time together, had my mom watch the kids last week and spent 24 hours. Went out to eat and caught up and talked etc. That time does help and I start to see how I used to have strong feelings, then something always happens and it's gone again. Been reading a lot on here, but then H said I was "spending too much time reading" so I have basically stopped that. I went to the DR today to ask for a low dose of anti-depressant to try and keep my mood up because I am irritable and depressed all of the time and I can't improve anything that way. I hate it but I think it may help.

Just stick with it and your feelings will come. You should be spending OVER 20 hours a week on dates at first. You can expect to see a major difference in about 8 weeks as long as you are not lovebusting each other and are meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs. The affair should not be discussed.

I wouldn't spend more than 4 hours of UA time together a day because you don't want to wear each other out. It is best to spread it out through the week.

Stick with this step and you will be AMAZED at how fast your feelings will come back.

here

I agree, I get anxious. But don't worry with the twins there is no way we can spend 4 hour of UA together each day. That just wont work. maybe 1 hour or 2 then we have to sleep.

You are going out on DATES, right? The best time to go out would be from 5 to 8-9.

Where are you spending your dates and what are you doing??

For example, here is our schedule for a typical week:

Tues 5-8 Dinner at Olive Garden
Thursday 5-8 Cracker Barrel, Sams Club
Friday 5-8 dinner followed by shopping
Saturday 2-6 shopping and dinner
Sunday 1-5 Late lunch - house shopping

All dates are out of the house. Of course the END of the date is spent at home.

Those times are when we are at our most energetic.

Ok but what do we do with our twins. If we bring them out thats not a date. And we can't afford a babysitter. My mom will watch them once a week but thats it. We can hang out some after they go to bed. Also we cant afford dates, we do next to nothing besides send my hubby to work with gas and buy groceries soemtimes. WE don't have any extra money. We hardly make it most months. Even driving uses gas $. So as you can guess dates, alone are few and far between and are often more stressfull than just saying forget it lets stay in with the kids and save$.

I know it is not easy, but we have couples who have SEVEN kids who make this happen. Some ways to do it is to join a babysitting co-op, hire teenagers, etc. There are lots of ways to make this happen. Would your mother babysit more often? Maybe 3 nights a week? Then you could hire a teenager to watch them the other nights.

Just keep in mind that you can't cut corners on this step or it just won't work. If you are getting in 8 hours of pisspoor UA time [late at night, at home when are exhausted] then you are not going to get any benefit. UA time spent at home is basically worthless. Not even couples who are in love spend their time way, because it is too easy to get distracted at home. Dr Harley and Joyce don't spend their UA time for this very reason.

You MUST change your whole lifestyle if you want to change your marriage. You can't just maintain the same lifestyle and expect your marriage to change. It won't.

Just so you have an idea of how important this step is, my husband are in love and have been for years. If we start falling under 15 hours a week, we start noticing a difference in our relationship.

However, when you are in love, you are not likely to allow less important things to get in the way of your dates. That is the goal in your marriage. But you have to figure out a way to make this happen, because this program does not work without this step.

You ARE NOT going to fall in love if you cut this corner. Then you will be wondering why your all your efforts are producing nothing.