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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 12
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Good morning everyone, this is my first post.I have read all the material online and many other website trying to improve myself and our marriage. My wife and I have been married for 5 years and together for over nine. No kids, just a puppy and a house together.
For the past 4 year I myself had been going through a rough time. Didn't have a steady job and took pass tests to be accepted for certain careers. So I became very depressed and withdrawn from life and sadly with my wife. I begun to stray about two years ago from our marriage with a female from work. We went out twice for coffee, I quickly realized that things were going down hill fast so I broke all ties. At the time I wasn't educated on marriage like I am now, so did not directly tell my wife, but did come out in conversation, obviously she was hurt. I felt horrible.
Fast forward to two years later. I know things are not 100% but I know there are things I need to work on.last Jan I left for a deployment. During this time I had a life changing experience, I found myself a again and the drive for my marriage. I constantly sent her notes, facetime, flowers, strawberrys and assured her that we would work on things as soon. As I got home.
Well that day came and I found out that she had cheated on me. Like everyone I was heart broken, but stayed calm and ask all the important question. Is over, are you still seeing him. Everything was no.so after some time I told her I accept was she has done but feel its not worth throwing 9 years away.
Beacause I was on leave for 30 days, I got started right away reading Dr Harleys books and other online. I planned a 1 week vacation so we could have time alone. And every night I have done something special for her, trying to deposit massive love banks. We were close to one another on vacation, and she enjoys what I have been to doing for her, but she thinks it is forced. But I re assure her that I am doing it because I want to and because I love her.
Last night we hit a major road bump. We have been working on our relationship day in and day out since I got home 1 month ago. Last night after a nice evening with my wife I hinted that I would like to make love with her. I know many would say too soon! Bbut also I have been deployed for 6 no, my need of her embrace has been missing for 6 mo. We did not make love instead she said she wants a divorce. I am confused because her actions do not reflect this over the past month, being that we are affectionate, we are sharing are feeling now. And have been 100% honest. I am affraid and do not know what to do at this point but feel I am losing forward momentum. Reaching out to anyone. Thank you
H 31
W 27
Married 5
Together 9
No kids
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
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Joined: Nov 2010
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Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.
Who is the OM? Is he married?
Was your OW married?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 |
Also, have you read these. Start Here First-SAA
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
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How long ago did her affair end? It sounds likely that it never did end. Read the links Brainhurts gave you. I think you need to snoop to find out where you stand. I'm sorry to see you here. I thank you for your service to our country. Unfortunately, deployments cause major issues in marriage, a main one being infidelity 
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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It probably didn't end. Especially if you were deployed! Good grief a marriage in recovery can't sustain any separation at all. Not even healthy marriages can.
I'll get you the checklist and tell us what us done. Also tell us what snooping you are doing to ensure the A is dead.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Here is a checklist for how affairs should end. Can you tell us which steps have been taken?
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends. If it's an affair you can bust it up and win her back. It very likely is.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Jul 2014
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Hi Brian hurts. The person I saw a few time was going g through a divorce. So we both had something something in or lives that bothered us which us vulnerable. As for her, said that it was just a guy she met at a bar through her co works. She said the affair was a one night stand and it was in the middle of April. I did not return home til June 2 and found out June 4
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I have looked through the checklist a few times. We have been spending a lot of time together, a week vacation, weekends all and and week days 630pm til bed. She does go out with co workers once a week. Which are both male and female for about one hour. She has offered for me to go through her phone but I have not do so. She has assured me that the affair is over and has no contact with the individual. I am sure she hasn't written him a ending letter because she says she does not have his number as it was a one night said.. thank you all so much for your help and advice
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I guess after thinking all day about our conversation last night I just feel so confused and hurt. I have been working non stop to show my wife that I have changed my ways from the past, found myself and working on my weakness from the past and fulfilling her 5 top emotional needs. She tells me recognizes this but doesn't understand how a 6 month deployment can change me. She tells me she is mad and angry for the way I distant myself from her in the past, and to hear last night that she wants a divorce killed me.but is it confusing because when we are together we are having fun having intimate conversations and things you would think strengthen and heal our relationship. I think maybe it is for attention? We agreed to go to consoling today, I hope we are doing the right thing.. god help us. Thank you all for the support
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Joined: May 2013
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I have looked through the checklist a few times. We have been spending a lot of time together, a week vacation, weekends all and and week days 630pm til bed. She does go out with co workers once a week. Which are both male and female for about one hour. She has offered for me to go through her phone but I have not do so. She has assured me that the affair is over and has no contact with the individual. I am sure she hasn't written him a ending letter because she says she does not have his number as it was a one night said.. thank you all so much for your help and advice One VERY important thing I learned as WS, is opposite sex friendships do NOT work! I can't count the number of affairs that have started this way - mine included! She should NOT be going out alone with anyone of the opposite sex - even if it is in a group. That's one thing that has got to stop!!
FWW, 36
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
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Being apart overnight is very tough on marriages. Being apart overnight after an affair is not going to work.
How much longer are you enlisted?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 12
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Brian, I have 7 years left til a 20 year retirement. Quick question for you, have you completed the plan A and plan be program? If you have can you insight on how it went, the hardest part for you also what to expect. I just finished reading through the outline on SSA seems like part B will be so hard especially if you are rebuilding a bond in part A. Also where on the forum can I find more info about that..
Thank you, rescuegnnr
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Joined: Jan 2012
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You are in Plan A right now and it sounds like you are doing a good job if it. Have you read about Lovebusters? Are there any that you need to eliminate? Dr. Harley says that men can be in Plan A for up to 2 years without it being a detriment to their health, unlike us ladies who can only handle it for 3 weeks before we start suffering physically.
I would like to suggest some other BH's threads for you to read. Give me a minute and I'll link a couple for you.
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TranquilDark Wifedivorcing Both were given great advice that would be helpful for you.
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Ever2late, thank you for the info, yes I have read his and her needs, be in love stay in love and the DVD, I feel that I have done very well avoiding love busters,my wife is still distant and is having a hard time being affectionate. And we had that road bump I post yesterday about her throwing out the D word after I expressed my needs and tried to make love to my wife
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It can't be done while separated overnight. The military brought in Dr H to help with this problem and he told them the same thing. Email him and hear it from his lips if you need to.
If you can't be together every night, just divorce.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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That is why I suggested snooping. To find out who and if the affair is over.
You need to expose the affair still.
Also, women can't compartmentalize the way men can. Women can only maintain one relationship at a time. If it's not with you, then it's possible it is someone else.
You never answered Brainy's questions. Who is the OM? How did they meet? Do they still see each other in ANY way?
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Hi Brian hurts. The person I saw a few time was going g through a divorce. So we both had something something in or lives that bothered us which us vulnerable. As for her, said that it was just a guy she met at a bar through her co works. She said the affair was a one night stand and it was in the middle of April. I did not return home til June 2 and found out June 4
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Joined: Jul 2014
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She tells me she has no contact with his guy( I don't know his name) just that he was a friend of one of her co workers who met up with them at a bar, she said she got really drunk, and made a horrible mistake. I will try and snoop more, it is just hard for me because I am trying to build trust. Thank you for you advice
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As far as being together every night, we are, other then when I deploy. If there is any good news out of this, that is since I just returned from a deployment it will be at least 3 years til the next one, if at all. The main problem with my job is that it is not a 8-5 job. Some days I fly during the day and some are night flights. But I always come home and sleep in our bed. One exception.. long range rescue missions and hurricane support and rescue. Usually not gone for more then 2 nights and that is maybe 3-4 times a year
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