I have been married for 20 years. After I married my wife, I found we were grossly incompatible. I am an intellectual, an achiever, a professional. She is not intellectual, prefers to watch television and be on the Internet for fun, and does not gravitate toward professional jobs. I did encourage her to get a free education (I'm a college professor) but she exited the program as soon as she got an Associates Degree, which wasn't enough to really give her a career. We have two children together.

It was 10 years before we had sex in our marriage (she had vaginismus). Seven doctors/therapists and an operation didn't fix the problem, even though I took a chance that artificial insemmination would open up things, but she had a c-section -- and found I was now the father of a virgin birth. We eventually had sex at the 10 year mark, and had a second child naturally. My children are 15 and 11 respectively. Sex was never very good as my wife finds it uncomfortable. She would have had me produce more children if I let her, but I felt her lack of domestic support (even with me helping with 50% of the load, while being the full breadwinner) would only make life torment, and I didn't know if the marriage would survive either, so it seemed foolish to fill up the house with more children.

She also refuses to do other things to relieve the sex craving other than reluctant use of her hands if I ask. I don't ask anymore. About two or three years ago she approached me for real sex, but her vaginismums appeared to have returned (possibly due to an inactive sex life) and it was the most frustrating experience for me -- particularly at the end when she said "how was it?" and I had to lie and say it was fine even though there was no penetration. If I tell the truth she gets down on herself and says I'm being critical.

It raises up so much anguish in me after 20 years of marriage that I don't initiate sex anymore and avoid it. She has also aged poorly and I don't find her attractive anymore, which doesn't help.

I have also turned into a slob. About three years ago something snapped and I stopped trying to keep my personal office or anything at home clean anymore. It's like pulling teeth to get her to help me, and when she does help, it's with such resentment and shouting angry orders at people to put things away, or clean things that I would rather leave it a mess than feel those knives go through my heart.

The marriage has never been happy. I have a a high need for physical fulfilment. domestic support, family commitment, attractive spouse and admiration. My wife knows these things, but she doesn't make an attempt to meet these needs. If I mention the lack of those needs being met, she gets angry at me. So I can't talk about them. Her needs are financial support, family commitment, affection, conversation and attractive spouse. I have an Angry Outburst and Disrespectful Judgments problem. I don't blow up anymore, and I keep my disprespectful judgments to myself, but she still misinterprets most things I say as a personal attack even when I don't mean it now.

The reason we stayed together for 20 years is because our religion encourages it implicitly. We figured that after years of realizing we were both tolerating each other that we have what we call a "demented sense of loyalty" toward each other. Also, I believe I do meet a number of her needs to the point she says our marriage is a "7" and that she is neutral on it (she can take it or leave it). I provide a good financial income, I am committed to training and teaching our children, and I force myself to make time to give undivided attention to talk to her as that is important to her -- although I do have times when I get absorbed in my work. These seem to meet her conversation needs, and I am affectionate a few times a day with hugs and facial cheek kisses. I avoid the lips because she doesn't brush her teeth and has a wicked bad breath problem -- which, if I mention it, she gets angry with me.

Another reason our marriage worked is that in the beginning, she allowed me to pursue a hobby that was very important to me. This compensated for the lack of my other needs being met. But at the same time, it makes me independent of her. That hobby, after 20 years, is still important to me, but it's lessened in its strength to make me feel fulfilled.

Anyway. I have been trying to improve our marriage. I quit a lot of extra-family and extra-work activities recently to make more time for marriage and family. I've been so guilty of achieving things in my work and community life (I have 3 master's degrees, 2 master's certificates, a post masters certificate, and am working on a PhD now, while working full time) -- to the point of neglecting her at times in the past.

A few years ago I got down to the weight I was when married, but that didn't seem to help matters much because she was impossible to have sex with.

The biggest problem I have is that my wife doesn't want to DO anything. I try to lead the family in a discussion about what we can do together, and no one wants to do anything. Once I got so fed up with it I just booked three days at a resort and forced everyone into the car, ploughing through all excuses to make sure we actually went. We had a decent time and I was glad we did it. I also have been taking my son places (camping and initiated family activities like going to movies, playing games at home, puzzles and things they like). Frankly, I don't care what we do anymore, it's so hard to get consensus that I will do anything as long as its together.

But back to my wife. I can't think of anything to do with her that she likes. I do call her about once a week lately to meet for lunch, and she seems to like that, but it doesnt' ignite any platonic passion, it seems. It's like she won't believe that I'm not distant, uncommunicative, and absorbed in my work anymore. She ascribes reasons that have nothing to do with love for the reasons I have been a better husband. I am suffering from burnout right now, and cut out a lot of things, and have also refocused on my wife and family, but no one believes its because I want to be a better husband and father -- they think there are other reasons for it.

Anyway. I thought I would share. My biggest question is:

How can I find things for us to do together that are fulfilling? My idea of fun is to go out and work together at something. For example, one of the most fulfilling relationships I had before marriage (a girfriend I didn't marry) centered on putting on activities, doing service projects, cycling, hiking, camping -- working at fixing things together -- DOING THINGS. My wife's idea of a good time is watching TV, showing funny videos on Youtube, and she keeps at me for a trip to Italy, which is not a sustainable way of improving our marriage through activity. We have so little in common, that it seems even investing the time is a chore right now.

I have tried making lists and brainstorming ideas, but that hasn't resulted in much interesting.

What would make you enthusiastic about going to Italy?

Hi WiserNow, welcome to Marriage Builders. The problem I see here is that you have both fallen out of love and created an incompatible marriage, which I think you already know. The problems here can be overcome if you will both follow this program. Dr. Harley feels like there is more of chance if the husband is on board. I have seen much worse than this turned around.

But first, you have to understand how it all works. Can you go read through these links first? Start here

A trip to ITALY would be a GREAT WAY to launch your new marriage. It would be something she would enjoy immensely and it would make massive lovebank deposits. These are the kinds of things you need to look for to get her invested in the marriage and to fall back in love with you.

If she is in love with you, she will be much more willing to meet your needs.

I second the bid to go on a trip, what better kick start to this program could you have?

Even if you object to the place, it's an immense opportunity to get her invested. In the future choose something suitable to you both but you won't fall in love unless you spend lots of time together having fun. Isn't that what you did when you were dating and liked each other?

Working projects do build intimacy, but only because that is part of an integrated marriage where the couple works together because they feel inseparable. They won't feel that way unless they are having fun too.

Going by your wife's interests I'd d guess a high need for her is conversation. I'm sure if she spent extended time with her intelligent H having that need met for her will be a kickstart for her to meet your need for more active recreation. Time away will also give the two of you lots of opportunity to come up with UA ideas.

Wisernow,

Welcome to marriage builders and I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds very frustrating. Dr. H talks a lot about these compatibility issues in Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders but you are married so it just means your work is cut out. Because you are highly educated I'm going to assume you have read a lot of the books on here and in other places to help with your marriage over the last 20 years.

With that said I would like to recommend reading or re-reading Love Busters because it addresses ways to deal with vaginismus that often works and it will help you understand the impact of your disrespectful judgment in your marriage?

Now after saying all of this after 20 years of marriage you seem hopeless (or depressed). Are you still willing to fight more, for your marriage? Or, are you ready to give up? Depending on your answer we will give you a plan to save your marriage. Sorry again to hear you are going through this and I have seen a few people succeed with very similar obstacles including vaginismus.

One last question, is their any other woman in your life that is meeting some of your emotional needs?