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indiegirl #2809628 07/03/14 10:10 AM
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I would have been SO Grateful if any of my and my wife's mutual friends/acquaintances would have let me in on the secret shenanigans my wife was up to.

It would have given me some answers, possibly early enough to do something that could have saved our marriage and allowed our then 5 year old son to still have his Mommy in his life, to understand that my wife's withdrawal and depression were due to her affair and secret cheating lifestyle.

Instead, i only knew she was depressed because her own Mother had just passed away and i couldn't figure out how to break through to her and be the support that she needed.

Her own withdrawal and desire to always just wanting to be left alone falsely lead me to eventually withdraw more and more into my own work business, because i continually felt my presence being rejected and not helping her deal with her depression.

I would have given Anything to know the real reason for her withdrawal.

I lost many nights sleep, crying and being so angry that No One came forth to let me know what was going on behind my back.

You can let this POSOW's Husband have some clarity and face his own reality about what is going on in his own marriage. It may anger him, but at least he will know the truth about why he feels so disconnected with his own wife.

Please help him know the truth.

LTL

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I thought your hope was that she would move? How can she do that when her H doesn't know and the way back into your H's arms remains wide open?



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #2809635 07/03/14 11:27 AM
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Yes, yes to you all. I am out numbered here and I know you are right. However, I will not do this to him over the phone, I will wait until he comes home. I hope he kicks her out!

Does everyone agree I should tell the neighbors? I have no problem getting my husbands family involved.

Thank you, thank you all! I hope to be recovered enough someday to give such caring, candid advice.


Married 6/4/94
DDay 6/28/14

Still struggling
Hopefullyme #2809638 07/03/14 12:09 PM
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You are making a strategic mistake in not telling the other BS now. You are giving her time to cement her facade with her husband so that he will more easily believe her gaslighting.

Whenever you choose to tell him, you won't be "doing" anything to him. His wife and your husband "did" it to him. You will just be bringing truth to the light of day, and giving that poor man valuable information about his own life.

Yes, you need to expose to the neighbors, at least a couple on either side of your homes. Tell your husband's family and friends. Expose to her Facebook family and friends also. The more people that know, the more to keep your husband accountable UNTIL you move (which should be right now, because you will not be able to begin recovery until you are out of there).


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
Hopefullyme #2809641 07/03/14 12:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Hopefullyme
Yes, yes to you all. I am out numbered here and I know you are right. However, I will not do this to him over the phone, I will wait until he comes home. I hope he kicks her out!

Quite honestly, it might be better over the phone because he is going to be devastated and confused and you don't want skanky interrupting you. I would wait until he comes back and call his cell phone so the OW doesn't see you calling. You can use *67 to disguise your caller ID.

Use your judgement here but consider that she will try to interfere and tell lies if given the opportunity. And whatever you do, DON'T TELL YOUR HUSBAND IN ADVANCE.

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Does everyone agree I should tell the neighbors? I have no problem getting my husbands family involved.

Absolutely! Everyone should know. The more people who know the more people to hold them accountable and give you support.

BUT, you have to move. There is absolutely no other way. Your marriage is in DANGER there and the danger will increase with every passing day.

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Thank you, thank you all! I hope to be recovered enough someday to give such caring, candid advice.

You are very welcome! smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Hopefullyme #2809723 07/04/14 09:16 PM
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Just checking in with you, HM. It's ME -- you know who. wink How about an update?

Let's talk about all the excellent advice you have been given on your thread thus far, okay? Is there any objection that you are still holding onto?

As I told you last night, you guys HAVE to move. You cannot afford not to. Divorce is far more costly. I'm sorry to tell you that there is no hope for your marriage if you do not. No matter what he says, he WILL be triggered every time he sees her, and it will absolutely KILL you having to see her. As long as they are able to see each other at all, the affair WILL continue. Do NOT trust your own instincts right now about this, okay? I beg you to listen to the voices of experience where this is concerned. What say you?

Also, the other betrayed spouse MUST be told. It is not optional. There are many reasons for this, and you've been given spot on advice by everyone here regarding that. Where do you stand on this issue currently?

I am so, so sorry that this has happened, but you are in excellent hands on your thread. There is no better place that you could be under the circumstances. You have 2 of the most knowledgable people here posting to you, MelodyLane and Prisca. They also happen to be dear friends of mine, and they will give you nothing but excellent advice. Please heed what they say to the letter. I am here for you also, of course. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

(((((((((((HM)))))))))) <~~~that's a giant hug for you smile

Mrs. W



FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Even if OW by some miracle left the neighbourhood, you'd still be missing the marvellous opportunity to move.

You're still in shock so you don't realise your neighbourhood is now affair-land. Full of A memories for him, and betrayal triggers for you. Let the other family have it.

Recovery takes 2-5 years of very hard work and strict no contact. You'd likely get to a happier marriage far, far faster in a fresh new place with a fresh new start. An entirely new marriage.

Don't let territorial stubbornness get in the way of such a great opportunity. It's natural to get defensive when you've got a ho-bag on your turf, but everyone on these forums who has moved has waxed lyrical about how delighted they were to leave the bad vibes behind.

Last edited by indiegirl; 07/05/14 03:48 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #2809733 07/05/14 05:19 AM
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I know by now, I may sound like a "broken record" to our vets BUT I can't stress enough how important it is to move.
My BH and I, were given the same advice ~ MOVE, this was confirmed and supported by Dr. Harley himself. In our situation, it wasn't that I was triggered ( as the WW) by remaining where we were, it was my poor BH, everywhere we/he went there was something that triggered him, I realized that in order for us to survive, we had to go!
I truly believe that had we stayed we would NOT be together today. Please think about it.


FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2809747 07/05/14 10:50 AM
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Originally Posted by mrs_cen
I know by now, I may sound like a "broken record" to our vets BUT I can't stress enough how important it is to move.
My BH and I, were given the same advice ~ MOVE, this was confirmed and supported by Dr. Harley himself. In our situation, it wasn't that I was triggered ( as the WW) by remaining where we were, it was my poor BH, everywhere we/he went there was something that triggered him, I realized that in order for us to survive, we had to go!
I truly believe that had we stayed we would NOT be together today. Please think about it.

Mrs. Cen~

I can assure you that anyone who has been here for any length of time will never tire of reading your excellent advice about moving. wink

HM~

I can't stress enough how crucial following the incredible guidance you are receiving on your thread is to the survival of your marriage. I pray you will listen and act on all of it. Also, I can't believe I left indiegirl off the "the most knowledgable" folks on your thread list! *smacks forehead* She is truly one of the greats! I probably left out others as well. Honestly, your short thread is positively brimming with the best of the best advice.

Regarding the move. My affair, as you know, was a long distance one. OM never even set foot in our state. My affair was in 2005, and we moved in 2010 -- not due to the affair, however, I can't tell you how much better everything became for us after the move. We weren't even conscious of how many negative memories still existed in our old home. Yet, it was where all the phone calls and sickening wayward plans took place -- it is where D-day occurred. There were just lots of affair tarnished memories still there that we didn't even realize. We benefitted immensely from the fresh start.

You guys need a fresh start too, but even more importantly you HAVE to get away from the OW -- she is poison to your marriage and family.

Now get back here and let us know what's going on and how you are doing, please.

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

indiegirl #2809751 07/05/14 11:02 AM
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Originally Posted by indiegirl
Don't let territorial stubbornness get in the way of such a great opportunity. It's natural to get defensive when you've got a ho-bag on your turf, but everyone on these forums who has moved has waxed lyrical about how delighted they were to leave the bad vibes behind.

YES! Absolutely!

indiegirl hit the nail on the head. This is a biggie. Your instincts will likely lead you to the place of, "Well THIS is MY home, and I'll be damned if I will let OW take that away from me too!" If you feel yourself going there, make your self stop and realize that it's a foolhardy thought that will be extremely detrimental to your whole family. A house does not equal home -- your intact family equals home.

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Oh mrs. W...how grateful I am to know you are so near!

Today is a bad, bad day. I think I may finally be coming out of denial. I am angry, feeling manic and perhaps violent! They are still gone, thank God because today I feel like inflicting pain! Today I hate my husband! He is struggling with me...likely because I have been too easy on him.

When do I stop feeling like my life is an audition? Anything I do wrong will make him leave. Is this really worth it...today I ask...am I doing the right thing by staying? He doesn't deserve me!

When I come out of this, if I come out of this I will let you know of our move.

You are right! I am feeling like I won't let her WIN, she has no right to make me move! Ruin my children's lives...all they know, all of their memories, their childhood, friends, holidays...my life, ruined!

I just want to scream!


Married 6/4/94
DDay 6/28/14

Still struggling
Hopefullyme #2809754 07/05/14 12:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Hopefullyme
When do I stop feeling like my life is an audition? Anything I do wrong will make him leave.

Can you be more specific? Is he threatening to leave?

Quote
You are right! I am feeling like I won't let her WIN, she has no right to make me move! Ruin my children's lives...all they know, all of their memories, their childhood, friends, holidays...my life, ruined!

HM, this comment concerns me greatly. This woman has almost destroyed your lives. Are you going to hang around and let her complete the job? Your children's lives WILL BE RUINED if you don't move. Their lifestyle and your marriage will be saved IF YOU MOVE. If not, you can look forward to a divorce and THAT will ruin their lives.

Moving does not ruin lives. Divorce ruins lives. Adultery ruins lives. You must remove yourself and your children from this destructive environment if you want to SAVE your marriage and your childrens family.

WHEN will the OWH be back so you can tell him?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Hopefullyme #2809755 07/05/14 12:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Hopefullyme
When do I stop feeling like my life is an audition? Anything I do wrong will make him leave. Is this really worth it...today I ask...am I doing the right thing by staying? He doesn't deserve me!

I just want to scream!


He's treating you casually like an option because the A is still on. His mind is on the A and he's probably a right old grump.

Don't let that concern you. Their break up was an obvious set up. You just need to expose and truly kill it.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Hopefullyme #2809756 07/05/14 12:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Hopefullyme
You are right! I am feeling like I won't let her WIN, she has no right to make me move! Ruin my children's lives...all they know, all of their memories, their childhood, friends, holidays...my life, ruined!

m!


You're all smart resilient friendly people who will thrive anywhere. She's not even half smart enough to ruin the lives of people like that.

You control your life, not her.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Hopefullyme #2809773 07/05/14 03:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Hopefullyme
Oh mrs. W...how grateful I am to know you are so near!

Today is a bad, bad day. I think I may finally be coming out of denial. I am angry, feeling manic and perhaps violent! They are still gone, thank God because today I feel like inflicting pain! Today I hate my husband! He is struggling with me...likely because I have been too easy on him.

When do I stop feeling like my life is an audition? Anything I do wrong will make him leave. Is this really worth it...today I ask...am I doing the right thing by staying? He doesn't deserve me!

When I come out of this, if I come out of this I will let you know of our move.

You are right! I am feeling like I won't let her WIN, she has no right to make me move! Ruin my children's lives...all they know, all of their memories, their childhood, friends, holidays...my life, ruined!

I just want to scream!

HM ~ You need to call me. Go to facebook, accept my friend request and check your messages; you will find my phone number there waiting for you.

Mrs. W


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Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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No, he is not at all threatening me. He continues to assure me that I am not auditioning. It's me feeling this way.

He understands we must move.

I don't know when the OWH will be back. Soon I hope because now I am burning to tell him!

I had a nap...feeling a little less hopeless.

Mrs. W...On my way!


Married 6/4/94
DDay 6/28/14

Still struggling
Hopefullyme #2809799 07/05/14 07:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Hopefullyme
Mrs. W...On my way!

You know I will be here, but I want to caution you strongly to continue posting, and not to think that I alone will suffice for you. As much as I would love to be everything for you in this, I am NOT a professional counselor, and I have learned from past experience that one-on-one off board help all by itself isn't the best case scenario for a proper recovery. One of the things that makes the MB forum so great is that there are many here working towards the same goal. Also your being here ensures that you will be getting straight from the book MB advice. I guarantee you that should anyone here offer you advice that isn't Dr. Harley/MB compliant, you will know it almost immediately. This board works wonderfully because of the collective knowledge about the MB program in it's entirety. The more brains helping you the better, okay?

Mrs. W

P.S. I just thought about the fact that I have told many of you here before that I don't have a facebook acct... That was true until my mom passed away in April, and I needed to be able to continue keeping up with my family down South. Anyway, Mr. W and I share an account - OM is blocked. Just wanted to be clear that I wasn't lying before. smile

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The day after my discovery our daughter went on a planned trip with her aunt, uncle and cousins. She is coming home today!

Today I have asked questions and just like I thought, I don't like the answers! But I am getting through it ok. Today will be a better day!

I wish the OW/OWH would get home today....if they do you will all be the first to know!

Soon you will hear from my husband. Hopefully you can help him too.

Happy Sunday my friends!


Married 6/4/94
DDay 6/28/14

Still struggling
Hopefullyme #2809817 07/06/14 10:30 AM
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HM,

While I love reading updates about your well-being, you will receive more help here if you ask questions. It will also speed up once the holiday weekend is over.

Put it all out there. As we discussed, doing less is the equivalent of going to the doctor's office, not telling them all of your symptoms and expecting to be healed...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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MW,

I dont know what to ask. I can only tell my story, daily and use the feedback from all of you to get me through...

Today is my first day back at work. It was so aweful...until I stopped trying to hide it. I let it out...with few tears! It was suprisingly theraputic and I am feeling much better. I am fortunate to work in a very small office with very caing people.

Still waiting for the OWH to get home. I will need prayers to get through that! I will have to re-live this nightmare, ugh!


Married 6/4/94
DDay 6/28/14

Still struggling
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