Hello all, newbie here. Quick run down of my situation. I've been married for 13yrs, have three great kids under the age of 10. I love my wife more than anything. I've never been unfaithful and I have no addictions/abuse of any kind. We had a picture perfect mid west family. About a month ago she blew up and said she's thinking about walking out. She said she feels like a single parent, and when I'm home I'm mentally checked out and don't contribute to the family/kids enough. She said she has felt this way for many years and she feels whenever she brought an issue in the past, I'd fix it and think everything was fine again. According to her, I would fall back into complacency and back to status quo. At the time of the blow up, she cut off all affection and we've been roommates ever since. She says she wants to work on us but I appear to be the only one being proactive. She blames me for everything, has deep resemtment and won't seek help for that. I personally admitted my faults to her, confessed my shortcomings and asked for forgiveness. I have made some really good changes (even she see's it) and will continue that way. However, she is still cold, distant and all she does is goes out with her girlfriends, obsesses with her cell phone, facebook and basically doing anything to not be around me. She said there's no one else. I'd like to believe her. She also gave me her version of the ILYBININWY speech. She basically stated she feels like we've grown apart over the years and I've fallen "out of love with you." I thought I was doing well all these years. I'm a great provider. I do work a lot, but she reaps the financial benefits and admits that. I care for the kids when she works, I let her buy whatever (within reason) and give her freedom to do whatever. I always tell her how much I love her and how beautiful she is. I'm kind of lost. I'm not perfect, but I never knew I was the person she described me as. Sound familiar to anyone here? I'm reading some great books and seeing a therapist on my own. At this point she not willing to seek counseling. She is still in our house and hasn't mentioned leaving since the blow up. Thanks for reading.

Everything you are describing points to a woman who is in an affair. She has a new point of comparison which leads her to say "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

You will need to quietly snoop on your wife and find out what she's doing when you're not looking. See if you can find out what she's doing on her phone, who she's talking to, etc.

Don't ask your wife if she's having an affair. She will lie about it and you would have just given her notice that you are suspicious.

While you are snooping, make sure you eliminate all your love busters. Also, address her complaints. If she has complained about you not being involved with your children, then step that up.

Your working a lot has contributed to the state of your marriage. It's great to bring in a nice income, but not at the expense of spending time together. A marriage generally needs about 15 hours a week of time ALONE together doing fun things out of the house in order to be fulfilling and romantic to most women. This time should be spent meeting the four intimate emotional needs. Financial support isn't one of the intimate ENs, you see. Many women like for this need to be met, but it doesn't cause her to fall in love with you.

My stomach turns thinking there's someone else! I realize my job is partially to blame and I accept that blame. I'm doing everything I can to fix me by being a better dad. I'm addressing all my wifes issues she has with me, but I sometimes feel I'm too late. All the reading and advice here suggests spending hours of quality time with your spouse. I'd love nothing more than that, but at this point she wants nothing to do with me. So I'm resorting to making the me the best I can for my family. I can't remove her resentment for her. She denies an affair (I know cheaters are liars as well). She's a big texter so I'll be looking over phone records. IF she's not, any suggestions on winning her back? Thanks

Nim, I would also hire a PI. A good PI can get everything you need in a couple of days. Please be very discreet and don't let her know you suspect. Just quietly get the goods and come back here. We will help you save your marriage.

So do you think she's met someone else as well? She has totally shut intamacy off like a faucet! Even holding her hand...when she doesnt pull away... is like ice. How should I act with her? Overly caring or pull way back?

All the signs of an affair are present. I am sorry.

I'm in a bit of denial. I don't want to believe that. But the lack of time at home and no affection add up. Im miserable. But she seems to be having a great time without me, despite knowing the hell I feel.

Waywards aren't exactly known for their empathy....

If she is annoyed by your affection, then stop trying to be physically affectionate for now. You can small things that won't annoy her, like pulling out her chair, opening her car door, doing little things for her around your home, maybe touch her arm or shoulder.

Get the PI, as MelodyLane suggests and get evidence.

And remember, don't ask her if she's having an affair. Don't act angry or resentful or be pushy. Just be as pleasant as possible and find out.

NIM, please just check it out. If she is having an affair then all the things we would tell you to do would not solve the problem. Your marriage would just get sicker. I completely understand you don't want to believe it but all the signs are here so it needs to be ruled out first.

NIM,
All I can say, as you have already been given the best advise to start is not to over think the directives you have been given, just do it. More often then not betrayed spouses worsen the situation and entrench their wayward spouses affair due to their own head games.

At least at this point you can use your good income to your marriages advantage and hire the PI pronto. Denial head games and projecting expectations on your wayward wife due to your recent best behavior and getting stuck in your disappointment /heartache will just weaken your position to end this likely affair.

Mel L's advice is stealth. Research and call/leave messages to PI firms that do this work today. Check this forum for recommendations. Tomorrow is Monday and you can likely hire a PI tomorrow.

Show your wife care thru fathering your children, helping around the house, leave a nice note around or go to Target (great greeting card section), validate and notice the little things she does w/out too much drama ie w/sincerity, stop at Safeway/florist on way home from work and buy flowers, have pleasant conversations with her. These are peripheral acts of care and affection.

Go to doctor and ask for antidepressant to get you thru this traumatic attack on your marriage and family.

My wife recently returned from long girls trip in the Bahamas. It was in fact just girls, this I know. I was hoping she would have reflected on our marriage. Sadly, it's status quo here. Cold, distant complete affection shut down. She'll hardly looks at me. I looked into her phone records and don't see any calls/texts out of the ordinary. But other odd things have been happening over the last few months. She's been shaving (pubic area..never done that before), working out more and caring a whole lot more about her appearance. She's always been high maintenance, but not like this. Can one have a MLC in their 30's or could it be someone else?

NIMPTR,

It is not a mid-life crisis. It is an affair. Could she be attracted to one of the "girls" on the trip? You would not be the first betrayed husband here whose wife is having an affair with another woman.

AM

The "crisis" is that she is having an affair, Sir. I am sorry. There is no such thing as a "mid life crisis." That is a form of denial employed by spouses in bad marriages.


Hire a PI, put a GPS and a VAR in her car. If you can get the facts about her affair, we can help you save your marriage. The longer this goes on, the more entrenched the affair becomes and the harder it will be save.

AH! I never thought of that. She does EVERYTHING with this one girl. Could be a stretch but a possibility none the less. Question, if you delete you call/text logs on your phone, do they still appear on the bill? I'm looking and there are lots of texts, but many were sent over wifi and no number shows up.

If she deletes texts, call logs, the record would still be on the phone bill. But there is a way you can access all her texts through this application: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2809719#Post2809719

Another way that waywards communicate is through secret cell phones. So you will want to look around for a secret cell phone.

She could have easily arranged to meet up with someone on the trip. That is what I suspect happened. She is having an affair and is using the "girls" to as a cover up. Even the dumbest wayward could figure that out!

Who are these women? Single women? I sure don't know any married women who go on vacations without their husbands. That is very strange and is indicative of a women who are either single or who are married playahs.

When a married person acts like a single person, it is typically because they are in an affair or looking for one. In her case, it appears she is having one.

Yep, single/divorced. I never minded girls trips, because I do my "guy trips" as well. I just remain faithful.

That is a sign of an at risk marriage when a couple take separate vacations, because it is indicative of independent lifestyles. That is also a lifestyle that is very conducive to affairs. It is actually pretty rare and usually only happens in marriages where they lived together before marriage.

Did you live together before you got married?

Only a month prior to marriage. The weekend get a ways with our respective friends (girls or guys trip) is usually just that...a weekend. Whether its in vegas, camping or the desert etc. Just usually 2-3 days. This trip was the longest shes ever been gone. We've also done several outings with just us. The girls/guys weekends are only a couple times a year. However this long trip as well as several "girls night" have occurred over the last couple months. We are independent. We both had good jobs when we married and made our own money. Never thought as it being unhealthy....til now