Ok. So I'm fairly new to this, and it's not my choice. Everyday I wake, and have been focusing on my pain and saddness. I've now decided, there has to be something positive in ANY situation! So searching hard, I've come up with these things for starters.<P>Since this mess started, <P><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR><LI> I've learned so much about relationships, good and bad, and set about improving what I can.<P><LI> I've found out who my real friends are, and strengthened the bond with them.<P><LI> I have discovered how valuable I am as an employee, with my manager going out of her way to make the changes necessary to accomodate my family needs.<P><LI> It only takes me 1 hour to do the ironing instead of 3! (no business shirts - and I hate ironing!)<P>When my kids are staying with their dad, and I am hurting and alone, some positives are:<P><LI> The kids get to spend some time with their dad, who they really miss, and have fun with him.<P><LI> I can sleep in until whatever time I like. (Have to have kids to appreciate that one!)<P><LI> I can eat JUST salad all weekend, and no-one complains!<P><LI> I can spend as long as I like at the health club working on my "post-discovery diet" body! Nothing like improving your fitness and sweating out some frustration and pain.<P><LI> I can walk for miles along the beach, without having to worry about the kids keeping up.<P><LI> I can spend the evening in quiet if I want ... no TV, no noise, just peace. Or I can listen to MY favourite music, for as long as I like.<P><LI> I can read a book for as long as I like, or chat to friends on the phone, without having half the neighbourhood kids around playing, making a racket in the background.<P><LI> I get a total break from parental responsibility - and H has to take total responsibility, and do ALL the day to day stuff for them, which he has only had to share before - I think he's learning lots!! (like how to use a washing machine, and an oven, and clean a toilet ......!) <BR></UL><P>Well, not a lot I know, but you've got to start somewhere!!!!!!!! <P>Join in, please <p>[This message has been edited by sosad (edited November 08, 1999).]

So sad I am woring on those ideas, but it make take some time. Just wanted you to know I think it is a good idea. And when I have had more awake time I'll be back.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I agree with the points you have presented- problem is I thought she was able to do all those things before. guess it shows how little I knew.<P>i am especially thankful for realizing what my faults were n this relatinship and working on them. to not make the same mistakes. <BR>i appreciate some time away- grt my head right.<BR>i am grateful that i am willing to work on something that most prople wouldn't<BR>i am also thankful that nobody spellschecks my posts and corects them- not even me!

Hey sosad-<P>What a good idea, to spend a bit of each day thankful about what some of this experience has taught us, the insights to ourselves, or the new opportunities it has given us.<P>I, too, pledge to try and do this everyday.

Hi everyone ... good to see a few people around this time of day .... night time for me, usually I only manage to catch a few of you early in your morning.<P>SDS - would love to hear what positives you can find ... I know it's hard, but how about - I don't have to pick up anyone else's dirty socks! <P>Covenant - sometimes we all need time to get our heads right. Promise I won't spellcheck your posts!! It's not the spelling, but the content thats important! <P>Raenbow - How are you going? You sound a bit brighter today. Hope your Monday wasn't too bad. <P>

............ how I wish I was single .............<P>Your list just makes it sound even better.

Hi Maya. Where ya been?<P>Being alone is no picnic. Not my choice. But there's got to be a positive in everything, we just have to look for it. You sound really down You wanna talk?

Hi Sosad,<BR> <BR> I like your positive thinking..did you see the thread by the Student on survivors? There's a link to Thrivenet.com and it deals with resilency ....I think you are acting like a survivor!!......Lu

Thanks Lu, I'll go look!

I've been in 6 months of Plan A w/no results. Now my W will be getting her apt just as the holidays arrive. I asked her to separate instead of getting a D. She reluctantly agreed. Her Love Bank is overdrawn and under investigation by the feds. Here's my list:<P>Instead of doing 6 loads of laundry without so much as a "thanks" i'll be doing only 3 and i'll be sure to pat myself on the back.<P>I'll be able to park my vehicle in the garage during the cold weather and she (who hates cold weather) will be scraping ice off her windshield in the apt parking lot.<P>No Christmas gifts for her means i can take the kids to the beach next summer. <P>The occasional "kid-free" time sounds VERY relaxing.

nlitend, hi. <P>Here's a pat on the back for you / <P>Looking for the positives is good, even though sometimes we have to look real hard!!<P>I've got more room in the wardrobe now!!! We don't have the problem with ice on the windscreen here, but liked the positive you found ... good work!

Some of my positives:<P>Quiet time, freind time, cheese fries at night without the diet police!!!!! Not making the bed when I don't want to, not cleaning when I don't feel like it (its really bad, I need a 12 step for cleaners)Staying on the phone as long as I want. Having the remote all to myself....Not explaining myself, ie. Why dinner was late, errands not done etc. Putting the kids to bed at a decent time. Doing my best and feeling good about it...making up my own mind....there are really alot, but the best is finding myself and liking her. <P>

Hey Sosad,<P>Here are the positive things that I have FOUND being seperated.<P>*I don't mind being alone. I have done so much thinking and reading and expanding my horizons. Don't have to fight for the covers at night.<P>*I really truely like myself again. Didn't for the longest time. I turned into someone I didn't really know.<P>*I have renewed friendships that I ignored in the past. It was Val's way or the highway. Look like it the highway for Val now!<P>*I got my "life" back. The W sucked the life right out of me.<P>*I'm having fun now. Can be by myself or with others. Getting back to my old "have to be the center of attention and act like a total idiot" time. I always got shot down for acting like a jerk. I had a great time BV. [before Val]. I'm getting that back and everyone notices. They know I'm a nutball!<P>*I have turned into a GREAT father. My oldest son just started college. We are THISCLOSE. My younger boy is coming out of his shell and will soon be just like me too. Well hopefully minus the marriage problems.<P>*I have found out how to be FABULOUS partner. Yes, I will most probably get married a third time. This one will not fail me, us. I have learned so much from this site and you guys.<P>*I have discovered that I DON'T need to know how to iron. By just throwing a shirt in the dryer for a few minutes and putting it on hot, it looks like I know how to iron.<P>*I don't have to be cheated on. If this little b!tch thinks the grass is green on the other side. GO FOR IT HONEY! Just wait till you find out it's astroturf and not for real.<P>*I have tried my very best to reconsile this marriage. I will be able to look myself in the mirror and not feel regret. "I tried my best, but, I guess my best just wasn't good enough"<P>Well that's the short list I could come up with on the fly. There are many more. I WILL survive this speed bump in my life.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

Okay SOsad I thought up one but it is a biggie. I am changing careers instead of talking about it and doing nothing. Now that I started I can think of a few more I have lost weight and strangers ask my daughter if Iam her older sister. BUt I still have to pick up socks. My grandson's. I could come up with a few more but they will have to wait till I get that job and get my own place to live.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi sosad<P>I could have been reading a letter to myself!!Thanks for putting into words what I have been thinking and feeling.<BR>I also didn't want to be in this situation, I didn't ask for it, but I'm here.<BR>My only problem is he lives in Melbourne (australia) and I'm in Brisbane, soI don't get the break from the children (4 yrs & 18 mths). However, once they're in bed by 6.30 pm - I do exactly what you said - MY music, MY tv shows, MY silence, MY phone !!! Sounds selfish, but only we could understand !!!

Hi Medic,<P>just read the comment about the astroturf - what a laugh !!! My counsellor actually told my H that the grass is not greener on the other side, but at that stage he was still denying that anything was going on with OW (bear in mind he had known her 8 weeks before ending a 9yr marriage.)<BR>I say we are better off without them !!! I still don't quite believe that yet myself but I figure if I say it often enough, I will believe it. <BR>Have a lovely day, or is it night for you guys over there??

Hey how about eating whatever you want and not have to worry about bad breath<P>I can even eat spicy food now(2-3x/week)<P>I can take half hour long showers and no one to complain about it or the water bill.<P>Every meal is what me or the kids like !

Hey Sosad,<P>Thanks for starting this thread. A great idea.<P>Congrats to us all. I doubt any of us asked to be where we're at, but we're survivors and we will prosper in the future. Either our spouses will come to their senses, or some lucky people are going to have their lives blessed by meeting up with us at some point in the future. Either way, we will be enriched as well.<P>Keep the faith.

Hi everyone, Good evening ... or good morning to those friends from the other side!!<P>Oops, a bit trigger happy on the submit key ... the rest of my post is below!!<p>[This message has been edited by sosad (edited November 09, 1999).]

I think this is a great idea. We do tend to forget all the good out there when we are hurting so bad.