Hello all, well I didn't expect to be posting in the Divorce forum but here I am. My H has decided to ask for a divorce as of last week. It's all over the sexting affair I had. I sent the picture and exchanged a few messages last year in Aug and he didn't confront me until Jan 14. We tried separation if thats what you want to call it. We saw each other every day due to our daughter and the schedule. So here we are now he asked for once because I stepped over the line when he went out and asked when he was coming home and he didn't respond so I told him that I was going to look for him. Well it turns out that he has feelings for the woman he has been confiding in. I don't understand how he can go from one month telling me he loves me but its not enough to save our marriage. We had just spend an awesome week together alone without our daughter to now divorcing. He claims he's tired, miserable and dying inside by continuing to be married to me. He also stated that he wants to be on his own, doesnt want to be in a relationship, doesn't want to answer to anyone and come and go and he pleases. He's already acting single by coming and going. Well I don't want the divorce and I'm not ready to give up either. I'm not sure what to do here. He told me that its not me its him. That he can forgot what I did and probably never will. So I'm waiting for him to file for divorce which will probably be soon. I'm moving out with our daughter in hopes that its a reality check for him since I have taken care of everything even when he moved out the first time for 3 weeks. I want to save our marriage and offer separation for awhile but no go.

Gmclove,

Dr. H recommends giving your H a divorce if you are the one that had the affair and he wants a divorce. He has the right to as for it and even God gives that exception. If there is any chance of saving your marriage you have to not fight him on the divorce. If he is having an affair the divorce will give it a chance to die a natural death and if he is not you willingness will show him care that will add the love units in his bank towards you which may cause him to have a change of heart.

One thing for sure fighting on the divorce is very insensitive and will push him farther away. I'm sorry you are going through this, just keep loving him and avoid love busters.

Separation? What on earth were you thinking? Have you done any of the things that were recommended to you? You were told to do exposure, did you?


So you had an affair and how he is in an active affair. What a mess.



Start snooping and find out what is going on with this woman. Do not assume that he will actually file for divorce. If you want to save your marriage, read up on Surviving an Affair. Separation does not save marriages. Please start learning about MB.

But he is the one who is currently having the affair! This is bad advice.

A BS exercising his right to a divorce does not include the context of that BS having an affair of his own. This guy is now the wayward, and she is the betrayed. Neither person has any special moral standing. It is wrong to advise that the now BW has to give up without a fight because she had the earlier affair.

Yeah that's not 'wanting a divorce'. Good lord I would die if my XH came and went like that. That is not what divorce is! That's 'how bout you do the doormat impression and become a f-buddy'.

Don't give him the key to hell. Expose and Plan B. It is the best shot at recovery and it also gives him a realistic taste of what divorce is like. I assure you he has no plans to suffer the consequences of a genuine divorce.

If he can't get over the original affair, then yes he has the right to divorce. But he has no right to turn you into a concubines and do as he pleases.

Kill his affair with exposure and make him face the reality of a real divorce. I suspect he will get a lot more forgiving at that point.

When she first posted I said then that I think he is having and affair and that he may have been having an affair longer then her, and asked her to snoop. She didn't do that and some felt I was jumping to conclusions.

I still believe he is having an affair and may have been having an affair longer then her but she really has no proof of that. And the closest she gets to hinting that he may be having an affair is saying that he has feelings for the woman that has been helping him deal with her affair. But right after she states that she says he doesn�t want to be in any romantic relationships. She wasn�t willing to snoop before and I don�t think she is willing to do that now so, we have to assume that he is not having an affair. And, even if he was having an affair the advice would be the same if she wants him back. Fighting him over the divorce is only going to withdraw love units from both of them.

If she is now willing to snoop and expose the affair then that will move the process along faster but beyond that she need to give him the divorce. Unless their is something that she has revealed on here that I�m missing.

He doesn't want a divorce though. A divorce means not seeing or speaking ever again. He would howl like a stuck pig if she were to give him an honest to goodness divorce. What he proposes is the blissful state of having your cake and eating it too-dom

What he is proposing is not divorce but serfdom. He comes and goes, using her at will and she has no right to complain, none; because she had an affair once.

It's not true that fighting his proposal will 'push him away'. She must fight with every fibre of her being against this because it is not fair to turn her into a present but ignored concubine without rights because she had an A once.

The affair is what pushes him away. Even if it remains uncovered and unexposed it still exists.

Indiegirl,

I totally agree he does not really want a divorce but she can not fight him. She can very lovingly say something like, "If you want a divorce because of my affair, I understand and will not fight you on this, but I can not continue to see and talk to you while we are going through this, as long as you don't want to fight for our marriage because it hurts me too much."

Of course if she actually found out that he is having an affair then she should do a double exposure and still go into having no contact with him until he is willing to end all contact with the OW and fight for their marriage.

If in fact he is not having an affair she needs to do the first one because the fact that he has waited that long to confront her about her affair means he has made up his mind and anything other then her falling on her sword will not do. But that does not mean she needs to stay their an take his abuse, he can't eat his cake and still have it. He either fights for his marriage and getting the benefit of seeing and talking to his wife or he gives up and don't get to see and talk to his wife.

Plus her chasing after him is going to make her less attractive to him and leave him space to say more and more hurtful things to her. Most states divorce can not happen the next day, usually you have to go through a year of a legal separation before it is finalized. That should be plenty of time for the affair to die and them to reconcile.

I of course do not thing he has been as noble as he is protesting but without any other proof we have to treat him that way.

Yes chasing and separation are woeful ideas no matter what. She needs to find out what the situation is and work from there. It's hopeless to try and treat an diagnosed disease.

Have you done any snooping gc? Don't let your H sink into an affair without lifting a finger.



If you are in the house you are talking a lengthy Plan A which does not work for women. Men are turned off by being chased and you will become a haggard nervous wreck with damaged health. Actually Dr H talks about these separations which achieve nothing as Plan C. He says it is the quickest path to divorce because as the WS sees the BS becoming more unattractive his mind is made up. The BS is too hurt and trampled to argue.

Although he is talking divorce right NOW he doesn't really want one because you are still attractive (for now). He just wants some space for his affair. You need to kill the affair if you want an effective plan.

Thank you for all the replies, I'm moving out with our daughter, he claims he isn't having an affair but has seen her to talk to her about us. I call BS...but if he wants the divorce he will need to file it. I asked him one last time to give us another chance and he can't give me a straight answer. I believe that he is hurting and is so angry that he doesn't know what he wants. I am going to separate myself from him in hopes that he sees me like he use to STRONG SND INDEPENDENT. He has told me that he can't forgive me. Ever! The attorney told me to wait because she feels that we both don't want this.

Your attorney is right I don't think either of you want this . There is more to this that your husband is not sharing because 80% of men surveyed say they could forgive their wife for and emotional affair. He could be part of the 20% but not likely so I don't think you are getting the whole story. All that time thinking about it and the woman helping him vilify you (if not more), may have made it bigger for him.

That is why it is very important that you have no contact with him find someone else to do the child exchange until he is ready to stop focusing on the affair and start focusing on rebuilding your marriage.

If he can't stop focusing on your affair (which may be an addiction for him by now), there is no way your marriage will survive. Dr. H talked a lot about that today on their radio show.

I believe that the no contact with him may give him prospective on what he is giving up. And allow him to start fighting for it. It also may be a good idea to email Dr. H to get his input and mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. Put you phone number and address if you wouldn't mind a call back and a free book.

He is having an affair. You need to follow the advice you were given about his affair.

I have been reading the book, I don't want a separation or divorce but he is adamant about ending our marriage. He has said that he is miserable and dying inside. This whole time I thought he was trying and was leading me on to believe we were doing better. He wants to come and go as he pleases. He doesn't want to have to answer to anyone. He claims that he wants to be on his own. He has been taking it out on me verbally when he does get angry and says hurtful things you can not take back. I'm thinking I have to start taking control of the situation and let him see the person he fell in love with that I can take care of myself and be strong.

Thank you, I showed my husband his locations which show that he has been at her place and said that they sit there and talk. I'm not sure what exactly is going on but I did pick up the phone to call her and he said if I did that he would make a scene at work. My H is also a man who holds on to grudges and doesn't easily forgive people, he knows that I love him, he said that I have done everything in my power to make it work. He has told me he loves me and that it's not enough. I feel like he's punishing me and doesn't know how to get past his anger. He continues to blame and has tried so hard to push me away. In the meanwhile he has not asked about the bills, what gets paid how to pay them or make an attempt to start his life on his own. I cannot continue to go on like this so I have found an apartment and thought that maybe just maybe if I cut the ties he would see me again like he did before. I have looked at his phone log thru TEENSAFE which has been helpful and he has not had any contact with her as far as I know. I want him in our lives, he sends mix messages all the time, one minute he hugs me in bed and claims he doesnt remember and the next he's trying hard to pretend I'm not around. So here I am I haven't seen him since Wednesday night and I will not see him again until Saturday. I'll email DR H and see what happens. I take it that I need to email him the entire story in order to help me?

You don't need to email him the entire sorry for him to help but the more information you give him the more helpful he can be. More is better then less.

Gm, you should not have shown him your spyware. It is the first rule of spying that you do not reveal how you know what you know, and you do not ask your spouse to explain, because you tip your hand by doing so and give him the clear opportunity to take his activities further underground.

He said that he did go over there to talk. Do you believe him? In fact, why did you show him your evidence if you were not going to use it as evidence of an affair and act accordingly? Did you think that if he is having an affair he will simply tell you on the basis of that evidence? Are you aware of how easily and determinedly adulterous spouses lie, gaslight and lie even more until they are caught red-handed? If he has been having an affair (and he has), he has been lying to you this entire time. Do you think he'd suddenly become honest because you show him locations on a phone?

You are making serious strategic mistakes in handling this. Now that you've moved out you have given him freedom to continue his affair without interference from you - not that you were giving him much interference to begin with - and you've handed over your home for him to invite OW in. Who is paying the rent at your new place, and are you still responsible for the bills and mortgage at the marital home? My dear, it seems to me that you have handed your H a very sweet deal where you get out of the way of his affair and put no pressure on him, and you continue to share his household bills.

There is a case for moving out, and that is to go to Plan B, where you cut off all contact with your H and let the affair come to its conclusion. However, I think you've done that a bit prematurely. You do not appear to have exposed this affair to anyone and I cannot tell from what you have written whether he will be supporting you and your daughter (his daughter?) financially. If your daughter is also his and he needs to see her, you need to arrange for transfers that do not involve your meeting him face to face, and in Plan B you need to organise an intermediary to exchange vital information such as financial issues.

I think you should ask for this thread to be moved to the forum Surviving an Affair (click "notify") and then you should tackle this affair, because that's what it is, strategically.

By the way, what did he mean that he would make a scene at work? What did he threaten to do?

This is rubbish!

If she is not willing to snoop we do not "have to assume that he is not having an affair"! When on this forum have you ever seen us do that? If we experienced posters think that he might be having an affair and the original poster is unwilling to snoop, we have to come down on her like a ton of bricks to snoop until she sees the wisdom of doing so. That's what we do, and when the poster eventually gives in and snoops, an affair is inevitably what they find.

As for the advice to give him the divorce when he is having an revenge affair...I am stunned. That is not Harley-based advice.

Dr Harley always advises exposure, followed by Plan A for men and a swift move to Plan B for women, even when there has been something as heinous as swinging, never mind a prior affair. What the original WS (now BS) must do is exposure his or her own affair as well, but then go on to ask for help in saving the marriage. He does not see divorce as some kind of just compensation for an original sin where there has been the offer and effort to repay the debt.

My apologies I will leave the advice to the more experienced posters on here.

I said he was having an affair before and was told that I was wrong to assume that and now I'm wrong to assume he is not because of the lack of proof.

Exactly! Please stop with assumptions especially since you have no experience dealing with infidelity. I don't know where you get these ideas. You were told it was wrong to assume because there was NO EVIDENCE. Telling a poster, matter of factly, that her spouse is in an affair is very different from telling a poster to snoop and FIND OUT.

My quick glance over this thread shows that your first post was followed up by livingwell, MrE and IG, all three who have years of experience posting and all have personally dealt with infidelity.

Just a kind recommendation: It might be best if you step out of the way in these types of situations. These people arrive here in crisis and really don't need this type of confusion/arguing on their threads.