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Hopefullyme #2809970 07/08/14 08:49 AM
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HM,

You wrote Now, what I am struggling with is that my husband is furious with me for not waiting another day.

Your WH is furious with himself, he now has to deal with the guilt over damaging the lives of his neighbors children, and the life of his neighbors husband. This is a seriously heavy weight to carry in life, on top of what he did to his own family.

Ask your WH if he can really imagine himself putting on a false friendly face while talking with the OWH after sticking a knife in his back.

You've done OWH an enormous service by exposing to him, the alternative would have been for OWH to live in a marginalized marriage for years or even decades. Worse still OW could have continued to have affairs possibly infecting her BH with some horrible disease.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma #2809984 07/08/14 09:46 AM
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HM, the fact that your husband was "furious" about you exposing a day early tells me he had a plan to pre-empt you. His anger gives him away!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2810067 07/08/14 05:10 PM
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Ok, ok, ok....as Mrs. W has suggested...here goes...

My husband and I are alcoholics. My addiction has come to light more recently as I found my self joining him rather than beating him. I stick most strictly to beer...and overdue it some nights He also is a beer drinker but hits the whiskey on occasion. Much more frequently lately. This is a demon we will address soon. We will be attending our first meeting next Tuesday.

Now I understand I will get "beaten" terribly as it will seem as though I am defending him, but I'm not...just hear me out here.

He likes his whiskey, I hate when he drinks it. He turns mean..not violent just mean and stupid! When he would turn to the bottle to get through whatever it was, I would push him away and belittle him. I would drink more to numb my pain of being second to that bottle. You see where this is going...vicious, destructive cycle.

Now, the OW was supposedly my "friend". Although historically she has confronted me with crazy, jealous accusations re: her husband (all occasions at which my WS was present) I always forgave her. Last summer she extended the final olive branch. Not long after that she started showing up at my house before I was home from work, asking my WS to work on her car etc. Now I know you are going to say that she hung me with that olive branch but I know that was not her intent....at that time anyway. But what she did see was an easy target...my drunk, lonely, vulnerable husband. All the while trying to draw me closer to her. I confronted her, restated my boundaries and that, I think, made the challenge more fun. She then showed up with all the things I don't "allow" him to do....you kinda know the rest. Yes, it takes two to tango but her manipulation of us both was intentional.

I will stop there for now...give you time to beat me up...lovingly, I know!


Married 6/4/94
DDay 6/28/14

Still struggling
markos #2810068 07/08/14 05:13 PM
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Nope, not yet. The OWH knows I need to do it when he gets back. He returned to his out of town family today. I am not sure if this was planned (as he just got home yesterday) or a result of this affair.



Married 6/4/94
DDay 6/28/14

Still struggling
Hopefullyme #2810069 07/08/14 05:21 PM
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HM, mrsW probably told you that the alcoholics needs to be addressed immediately in addition to getting away from that neighborhood.

What you can do today is:

1. Get all the alcohol out of the house - dump it all down the drain

2. Call the AA office today and get a list of local meetings. Ask them to assign you both temporary sponsors.

3. Go to your first meeting tomorrow and schedule 3-4 meetings a week.

4. STOP DRINKING NOW


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2810070 07/08/14 05:25 PM
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Just so you know, alcoholics are brilliant about making plans but never following through. They are always going to quit "tomorrow." And tomorrow never comes, of course. So saying you "are going to" do this soon is another version of "tomorrow."

It should not be tomorrow, it should be today. Actions talk and words mean nothing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Hopefullyme #2810071 07/08/14 05:47 PM
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Mmm he was also going to quit his affair when tomorrow never comes. They all think they can quit anytime.

How rude were you for ruining his fun a day early!

Originally Posted by Hopefullyme
Now, the OW was supposedly my "friend". Although historically she has confronted me with crazy, jealous accusations re: her husband (all occasions at which my WS was present) I always forgave her. Last summer she extended the final olive branch. Not long after that she started showing up at my house before I was home from work, asking my WS to work on her car etc. Now I know you are going to say that she hung me with that olive branch . !


Not at all. The OW in my case also had a competitive thing going on with me. It always left me perplexed. Throwing a tantrum because we'd worn a similar outfit somewhere, being mega obsessed about outdoing my wedding etc. Perplexing because I didn't see how it was a competition for her.

Some women really are untrustworthy Scarlett O'Haras. It's easy to see in hindsight. She must have been thrilled when my H started paying her attention.

Don't let your H off the hook though. Yes, she came into your home and stuck a blade in your back while you were sleeping. But who do you think let her in, handed her the blade and told you that you were imagining the pain?

It's really all moot now. It's what he does from here on in that matters.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

MelodyLane #2810091 07/08/14 10:37 PM
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Just so you know, alcoholics are brilliant about making plans but never following through. They are always going to quit "tomorrow." And tomorrow never comes, of course. So saying you "are going to" do this soon is another version of "tomorrow."

It should not be tomorrow, it should be today. Actions talk and words mean nothing.

Mel is exactly right. HM, this is precisely why I keep hounding you about going to a meeting NOW...

When your WH had an EA four years ago you guys swept it under the rug, and the alcoholism continued. Sadly, you are witnessing the result of that kind of inaction today.

Why are you waiting until next Tuesday?

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Ahem.

HM, where are you? You aren't avoiding the forum because you don't wish to take action where the alcoholism is concerned, are you? That IS what I suspect. If you are serious about recovering your marriage that step cannot be avoided.

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
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No, no...not at all! It's nice to be missed though! I needed to catch up on all of the things around my house that I have let go over these past days. It seems my emotional pain has caused physical and mental paralization! We have also been getting a ton of paperwork together for an upcoming financial advisement appointment. In hopes to MOVE!
The meetings on Tuesday's are close to us and for beginners. I put it off for a week because I wasn't ready to relive this nightmare. We will go next Tuesday, I promise. I just needed more time.



Married 6/4/94
DDay 6/28/14

Still struggling
Hopefullyme #2810300 07/10/14 05:33 PM
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Over 20 years ago, an Intake Counselor for a mandatory Intensive Outpatient program asked me when could i quit drinking.

My answer was, "Tomorrow, because it will be April 1st and i will fool everybody."

Her reply was; "That's fine. Just one question though. Can you give me a Good Reason why you can't quit today?"

To this day, i still have not figured out a GOOD REASON why i couldn't quit drinking that day.

Now, because of her challenging me with such a simple question, i have not had a drink of alcohol in over 20 years.

Left to my own Best Thinking, i would have put it off till tomorrow and then another tomorrow and even maybe next week Tuesday.

Like Melody Lane so accurately described us alcoholics..... We are great at putting things off.

Today and for a very long time now, i am so very grateful to that counselor.

I enjoy life and am so much more alert to life by not drinking.

I am sure there is a local meeting that you could go to this evening.

Give me one Good Reason why you can't begin today.

I wish you well.

LTL

Hopefullyme #2810304 07/10/14 05:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Hopefullyme
The meetings on Tuesday's are close to us and for beginners.

HM, Learnedtoolate is right. Tomorrow will never come with an alcoholic. There is probably a meeting within 20 minutes every night of the week so I am not understanding the delay here. You need to be affiliated with MANY groups in order to sober up, not just one on Tuesdays. ALL AA groups are for beginners.

Did you call the AA office and ask that temporary sponsors be assigned?

I took my last drink on April 27, 1985 in your fine state and I managed to hit 5-7 meetings a week for 7 years while living in nowheresville, Michigan. I lived in a tiny town in Michigan and managed to find meetings close by every night of the week. There was not even a meeting in my little town, population 1500, so I started one myself. You live in a populous area where there are meetings every night. In fact, they have some really OLD established meetings in your area. Please don't delay. It is extremely important that you and your husband address your alcoholism.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2810309 07/10/14 06:23 PM
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Additionally, if one were to call the local AA hotline in my area, you could request them to do what is called, A 12th Step Call, meaning that they would enlist a couple of Male volunteers who would gratefully drive to your home and share their experiences with you.

If you chose to look for the similarities in their stories, rather than the differences or the Yets, you might be inclined to want to go to a meeting with them that very same night.

You can always quit, if that is your choice.

But, just for the sake of argument, consider giving it a try, Today.

I still attend multiple meetings to this day. Many are very close friends and fellow business associates too. It feels good to give back to a newcomer who doesn't even grasp the amount of damage and suffering that our drinking has caused.

I used to spend Way more time in bars than i do at meetings.

LTL

Hopefullyme #2810397 07/11/14 12:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Hopefullyme
No, no...not at all! It's nice to be missed though!

You definitely were! smile

Originally Posted by Hopefullyme
I needed to catch up on all of the things around my house that I have let go over these past days. It seems my emotional pain has caused physical and mental paralization!

I can understand that. It's a rough road for sure. (((((HM)))))

Originally Posted by Hopefullyme
We have also been getting a ton of paperwork together for an upcoming financial advisement appointment. In hopes to MOVE!

I pray that meeting goes well, BUT the words "in hopes to move" scare me because they show that you still seeing moving as "optional" -- it is NOT. I assure you that the affair will continue if you stay there -- no one here is joking when they tell you that. It has been seen on this board more times than any of us can count. Either the people don't take us seriously about moving or they don't take us seriously about the affairees continuing to work together. No contact for life is non-negotiable. What this means is that even if your financial meeting doesn't goes as you hope, you still MUST move. That might mean that you have to move in with relatives for a while -- or get an apartment or whatever. Brainstorm. I can almost hear you saying, "No way!!!" to those suggestions, but you will put what's most important in your life FIRST -- is that your marriage and family or a house?

Originally Posted by Hopefullyme
The meetings on Tuesday's are close to us and for beginners. I put it off for a week because I wasn't ready to relive this nightmare. We will go next Tuesday, I promise. I just needed more time.

I hope you will listen to what ML & LTL are telling you about AA. Your excuses show a glaring lack of understanding about what this will take, HM. AA is not a once a week deal -- I told you that on the phone -- Remember? 90 Meetings in 90 Days??? That is not something I made up. This is far more serious than you are taking it, HM. I know you don't fully grasp this right now, but it IS a matter of life and death for you and your husband. TODAY, start TODAY. Now is How, HM. REALLY.

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Did you make the tuesday night meeting????

Any news on the neighbors???

Please stick around and update because the absolute worst thing you can do for yourself, your family and your marriage is to do nothing.





FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
MrWondering #2811017 07/16/14 05:25 PM
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No, no, I'm definitely sticking around....but I am also trying to spend as much time together as possible. I may not like the advice I hear but I do value it. We both would be lost without all of you!

We told his sister and brother in law over the weekend and our closet neighbors last night. All seemed a bit put off by this exposure stuff but after we explained the MB concepts and process they were on board, supportive and proud of all of the work we have done and progress we have me...ME TOOO!

Now, the neighbors are not sure if they should let the OWH know that they know...thoughts? We don't really care! They feel bad for him. Not sure their feelings on her. Would this info hurt him or help him...maybe both?

Now...youre gonna get me for this but we missed our meeting last night...sighhh, sorry! We were with the neighbors! We allowed an hour and it took up an hour and a half. We didn't think is was fair to interrupt their questions and not have them understand this MB stuff. We were ready to go, mapped it, timed it, everything...I swear! Ok, now more excuses why we can't go until Friday....tonight's his golf night and tomorrow my very best friend (made of honor) from Georgia is visiting for a few hours. Friday, Friday it is! You have to trust us that WE will do this!

That's all for now...I cant seem to get all of my thoughts out today.....more updates ASAP.

Big hugs MB Family! Thanks for checking in on us!


Married 6/4/94
DDay 6/28/14

Still struggling
Hopefullyme #2811033 07/17/14 06:07 AM
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You were not seriously sat there listening to the neighbours talk about "shall we let him know we know" - instead of taking the emergency measures needed for your marriage were you?

Why not just say: "How should I know? You are all grown up and eloquent people - you will figure it out. Excuse us we have a rather important appointment."

Also, even if you were under the mistaken impression that exposure was for you to hold other people's hands rather than they yours, that still doesn't explain why FRIDAY.

You got excellent advice as to how meetings are daily occurances and you can get someone round to the house if you need to. Making a date like Friday is also meaningless because you are willing to duck out for the silliest reasons.

So why Friday? Because it is not today, that's why.

I'd love to be wrong.





What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #2811344 07/19/14 12:58 AM
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How did the meeting go???

Gonna be a rough couple days for you guys I'm sure. There are plenty here to support you guys. Sure like to see your husband say something.

Did you get a sponsor or sponsors????


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
MrWondering #2811352 07/19/14 10:25 AM
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Indie, I don't yet know how to quote but in reference to holding anyone's hands...Absolutely Not! We stayed because our "friends" seemed offended that we shared such personal information with them. We needed to explain that we were not asking them to "pick sides" but that this was a part of our recovery. In the end it was worth it!

Mr.W, the meeting went well. He dove right in before it got stated...picked up the 12 steps sheet and read it out loud! I guess that is the format before each meeting. I am very proud of him. When we got home he opened up the booklet and mentioned all of the meeting we will go to next week. We are also going on Sunday.

He did not mention the affair...should he have? Maybe at a later meeting.

As far as sponsors for me...only two other women were there. Neither have been attending for very long. Both were there on court order, one recently relapsed with muscle relaxers and the other is very young and appears to be on something....sighhhh! I hope to have better luck on Sunday.

My husband did ask me last night to help him post. He is a man of few words which is actually difficult during this recovery stuff. He knows he needs help trying to help me but he doesn't know what to say or how to begin here.

More later....as always, Hugs!


Married 6/4/94
DDay 6/28/14

Still struggling
MrWondering #2811353 07/19/14 10:25 AM
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Originally Posted by MrWondering
How did the meeting go???

Gonna be a rough couple days for you guys I'm sure. There are plenty here to support you guys. Sure like to see your husband say something.

Did you get a sponsor or sponsors????
I was wondering the same thing. Friday came and went. Did you make it to an AA meeting?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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