First post...I am the betrayed male (40 w/ blended family of three children, 18 & 13 (hers), 3 (ours) and we have been married 3 years, together 8 but known each other for 25 years. She (38) had a 10 month affair with a co-worker that has ended for two weeks. After initial exposure the lover (43 married with one child) was out of the country for two weeks in which my wife was in serious withdraw. I would hold her while she cried because she missed him. Upon his return it was off for a week, then I believe back on for a week until I stepped in and exposed the relapse. Since then I have met personally with the lover and asked for his "help" so that both of us could focus on our families and build our marriages. My wife was the one who pursued the lover during relapse due to an incredible amount of emotional withdraw. I am comfortable the affair is over at this point and I have been in contact with the lover to thank him for his continued "help". I feel he has been an ally in restoring our marriage by understanding the impact he (they) caused to both of our families. I never exposed the affair to his spouse on a condition the affair ends. I did not expose the affair to their workplace. They work at the same facility but in different departments; both earn a respectable wage making a replacement job difficult to find. I did expose the affair to both of our parents and some of our friends. At this point, my wife and I are living together, getting along and working through the fog to clear as she continues to have major withdraw. All of the symptoms are present and I continue to support her (and us). At this point, we have spoken about a recovery plan but have not agreed on implementing one as of yet. I'm under the impression she must work through the withdraw first. With that said, my question is focused on exposing the affair to their workplace and possibly her workplace friends (who are some of our friends). Since the affair is over, is this necessary at this point? I realize there may be benefits regarding "affair-proofing" the marriage however I am not convinced it is the right thing to do at this point. I have determined sharing the affair with our 18 year old son is something we need to do. I'm on the fence. Thank you for reading my post and in advance for any feedback you may have. At this point, I fully understand the concepts of Dr. H, have read through the website content and have not yet read the books since I just stumbled upon MB a few days ago.

Knightstone;

Welcome to MarriageBuilders, and I am so very sorry for the circumstances which brought you here.

You have found exactly the right place to put you and your wife on the path to recovery. Most posters here have been where you are, and most have recovered from the disaster that entered their lives.

Have you read the "welcome aboard, read here first" thread at the beginning of this Surviving an Affair column? You should read everything on that column, even though you do say you understand the MB concepts.

You are making several critical mistakes, Knightstone. So re-read the thread and then come back here for advice.

You are in excellent hands here.

Hi knightstone, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here.

In order to effectively end the affair and save your marriage, step one must be to never see or speak with the affair partner again. Your marriage will never recover otherwise because your wife will be in a perpetual state of withdrawal while resuming her affair off and on.

So, the first step must be that she leaves the job immediately. You cannot take the 2nd step until that happens. There is no other way because her feelings will be triggered every time she goes to work.

And yes, you should tell your son about the affair. This is pertinent information about his family that he needs.

And yes you should expose the affair to his wife! You are mad not to do this!

I cannot believe my eyes.

I have work to do so cannot post more now, but I'm hoping others will point out why this would be funny if it were not so tragic.

To add to what the others said, the other betrayed spouse has the right to know what is going on in her marriage. It is unfair of you to keep that important information from her. She can also be an ally to killing this affair for good.

As long as they still work together, the affair will continue. That is like expecting an alcoholic to not drink at the bar. Dr Harley recommends giving your spouse 30 days to find a new job, and if they don't, then follow through with exposure at the workplace.

"r families. I never exposed the affair to his spouse on a condition the affair ends. "

This is a critical mistake on your part that makes it much easier to carry on their affair. The OM is free to continue his affair with your wife as long as they work together and especially since you are helping the adulterers hide their affair from the other victim.

All that has happened with this strategy is that you have unwittingly become an accessory to the crime. That is against the best interest of you and your marriage.

"feel he has been an ally in restoring our marriage by understanding the impact he (they) caused to both of our families"

In other words the bank robber is helping you protect your bank. As long as you don't report him, of course.

If you knew that the OM wife's bookkeeper was stealing her money, would you warn her? Or would you help the bookkeeper hide his crimes? Adultery is a much more serious crime, because not only can this affair destroy life as she knows it, she may pick up an std in the bargain. She cannot protect herself and her children from your wife and the OM is she does not know the truth.

The only thing that benefits from your secrecy is the AFFAIR. Is that really what you want to do?

Knightstone;

You are failing to understand that affairs are addictions. Your WW is ADDICTED to the "feel goods" she gets from the OM. That is why she can never see or talk to him again. Ever.

Even IF you knew for certain that the A was over (which, since they are both addicted, just isn't even possible...), every time she is anywhere near him she will be triggered and have her addiction fed. Even seeing his car in the parking lot will feed her addiction. It is THAT strong.

My fWH tried to keep working w/ his OW after promising to end it. He really intended to keep it non-personal. His resolve lasted EXACTLY 30 seconds when he was back in the same vicinity as OW. He now says he was helpless to stop. Helpless.

You must get her out of that workplace. And you must tell the OM's wife. (Even though you pledged not to.) You cannot bargain with a wayward. You have to think of them as falling-down drunks or crack addicts.

You are correct, the bank robber is helping me protect my bank, which is my marriage. I completely understand why this may seem ignorant (and mad) however the approach is to take an otherwise enemy, keep them close and effectively achieve aid in what I want; to restore my marriage. My wife was certainly the pursuer and his wife will leave the country with their only daughter should she find out, (and that would solve the problem since he would leave too). He has a lot to lose. Unfortunately I didn't stumble upon MB until after I made this commitment and my integrity will force me to keep my word. With that said, if the affair continues, I will not hesitate to inform the lovers spouse immediately and have plenty back-up (including photo's by a PI) to support my claim. Many thanks for your advice.

catwhit, you're right.....she's an addict and the "feel goods" is what is making the withdraw so difficult. She never intended to leave me and was (is) a classic case of "gets her cake and eats it too".

You are making serious strategic mistakes that will make it impossible to save your marriage. You are not "keeping your enemy closer," you have invited the fox to stay in the henhouse while keeping his secret so he can continue to exploit your wife.

All you have done, Sir, is enabled the adultery and made yourself an accessory to the crime.

Your marriage is doomed and there us nothing we can do to help unless you stop enabling the affair.

She will never withdraw as long as they can see each other at work. That is like expecting the alcoholic to sober up by changing the name of his drinks to business drinks while going into the bar every day.

"I made this commitment and my integrity will force me to keep my word."

The only thing worse than making a bad promise is KEEPING a bad promise. You have made a deal with the devil that will cost you your marriage if you keep it.

Unfortunately MelodyLane, at this point I am a man of my word. If there is no more affair than fantastic and if there is, the first thing I will do is expose to his wife. I completely hear what you're saying and appreciate your advice. I am certainly open to other actions and precautions.

You are testing them like people who have self control. They are addicts. They won't stop until everyone they love forcibly gets involved.

We've seen this play out so often. One wife who exposed to the other spouse found out he had discovered years before. She told him to stop screwing around and expose to his kids. The kids had already found out but were too scared to tell because the husband had naively thought his knowing about it had stopped it.

Don't be such a fool.

What are you going to say to this spouse when she tells you in a few years it is still going on and it is your fault?

How would you feel if she already knew and had kept it from you?

Not to mention the horrendous moral decision you are making in helping to betray and lie to this person. Youre their accomplice now.

Good luck, Knightstone.

I view this as a hopeless situation so no, there is no other advice we can give. Nothing can overcome your enabling of the affair.

If you are so proud that you would sacrifice your marriage and your children's family on a horrendous, ill thought promise to a liar and a cheater, then I don't believe you place much value on your marriage. You have become an accessory to the crime and this piece of craps wife will see it that way when she finds out you helped in the cover up,

Knightstone;

Your wife literally can NOT go through withdrawal from OM while she continues to see him. Every time she sees him, or even the places where they met/flirted/interacted in any way, she will be getting her "hit".

And your marriage can NOT recover while there is a third party involved.

You have accepted that she is addicted. Now, what is the plan for recovery from addiction? Step one is to remove the source of the addiction (OM.) Step one.

Step two is to remove the conditions that allowed the addiction to happen (in this case, the main one is her working with OM.)

Would you expect a crack addict to even begin their recovery while picking up the crack pipe every day? No. Because she is helpless against the source of her addiction. It would be cruel to put an alcoholic to work serving drinks.... Don't be cruel to your wife. She needs you to be the strong one.