I am in a long term and committed relationship that is going on 7 years now. Our major stumbling block is being recreational partners. I have seen in my own life how vital it is to remain active friends with my 'husband' but I struggle to include him. The main issue is that all of the activities which I enjoy are fundamentally solo activities. I am a bookish academic at heart who is comfortable with silence. I can go hours sitting in the same room and not speaking without feeling uncomfortable or awkward. This is causing a rift because he feels abandoned and isolated.

I have been given the general advice of "try new things you both might enjoy" has led to frustration that no activity has lasted more than two tries.

Our relationship is strongly based in love and I am sure if we can find activates to enjoy each other's company it can grow into a very healthy relationship.

Please help me open up my experience so that I am less cut off and isolated in habit and experience. As I get older (I am currently 34) my world seems to be shrinking in on itself and focused on the comfortable norm. How can I branch out? I am a long term victim of self-sabotage and drastically lowering of expectations to keep from feeling deficient.

Hi Rosie, welcome to Marriage builders. In live together situations, couples tend to be very independent and unwilling to give up their independent lifestyles. If you were married, Dr Harley would probably tell you to give up independent activities until you have become each other's favorite leisure activity. The purpose is so your spouse is not competing with some other activity. You would be removing the contrast effect which would help your efforts succeed. But, when living together, the relationship tends to come last which us why they are so fragile.

When a couple is in love, they are much less willing to spend their free time on activities with friends or alone activities. I am pretty stingy with my husband time and won't let other things interfere. There is nothing I like more than spending time with my husband.

How come you have never married?

Have you ever read "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders"? It would help you understand the dynamics of your relationship. From what you have posted, it is pretty clear that you and your BF are established renters. You are sensing tension in the relationship, and you can see how this may grow to a major problem. To renters, these sort of challenges are seen as threats to the rental contract. To buyers, the same challenges are viewed quite differently. By using the Policy of Joint Agreement, buyers turn the challenge into an opportunity to fill each other's love banks.

The solution to your problem is to become buyers. I sense that is actually what you really want to do. That is why reading the book would be a good idea.

I fear we may be drifting off topic because we have chosen, consciously, not to marry. We have chosen not to marry just like we have chosen not to have children. We have lived together in a devoted relationship for 7 years now and are as committed to making it succeed as any other couple working on their relationship. We just have not had the big party yet because we both feel that it wouldn't add anything to our lives that we don't already have. We have the love, devotion, dedication and support that comes with a marriage already. We have had this conversation in great detail and came to a decision about our future that suits us nicely.

What I really need advice on is tips on branching out interests to developed together activities as a relationship matures. Things we both thought were interesting when we first met do not have the same draw and I want to branch out. The problem is that when I look at things that interest me, they are individual tasks, like painting, that don't lead themselves into together activities. I tend to be a sheepish person when it comes to new things so it doesn�t come as easily to me. I suspect the real advice would be to take a big breath and just try things outside of my comfort zone. Sometimes just hearing it from others helps.

What about going out to dinner on romantic dates? Or taking long drives together?

I know you feel the fact that you are not married is off topic, but is really is not. Because living together is an entirely different situation than marriage. The dynamic is much like the difference between dating and marriage. It is still a job interview where you both are being tested. When one of you fails the test, the experiment is over.

Why have you chosen not to marry?

The actual advice is to use the Policy of Joint Agreement to find activities that you both enjoy. It is important not to sacrifice, nor to accept sacrifice to reach an agreement. Going outside your comfort zone must not turn into sacrifice. If it does, you will withdraw love units, and thus will be worse off for the experience.

Have you and your partner looked at the Recreational Inventory? Here

There will many activities that you enjoy and many activities your partner will enjoy. The trick is to finding a few that overlap that you can both enjoy together.

This will become part of your 15 hours each week of your UA time. Until you become each other's favorite recreational companions, Dr. Harley would encourage you to drop most, possibly all, of your solo fun. In order to build romantic love, these 15 hours should be the most enjoyable hours of your week.

Hi Rosie. I too am in a long term relationship but not married. I just read Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders because several people on this site recommended it and I am finding it extremely useful.

I also like a lot of solo activities and can spend a fair amount of time with my partner doing my own thing and in silence. If you are interested in getting out of your comfort zone--not to make a sacrifice, but for your long-term happiness, I came across an amazing book called The Comfort Trap by Judith Sills (she has also written some excellent relationship books).

Also I recommend reading some of the excellent books on introversion, like Quiet or The Introvert Advantage. I learned so much about myself. Introversion is not about shyness, as many people think, but about energy levels--introverts regenerate by doing solo or quiet activities.

Maybe you can be a little creative--painting could be a couple activity. there are pottery painting places (some are in the evening and bring your own wine), take a painting class together. So can reading--some people read aloud to each other, or listen to an audio book together, and then discuss the book or join a book club together. My boyfriend and I have a few favorite TV shows that we only watch together--often we'll cuddle while watching, or pause the show to comment on something.

i seem to have the same problems aswell. seems like i need to take a look at Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders.

The answer could well lie in your courtship period. It's technically still ongoing but since the two of you consider yourselves married all courting efforts may well have shrivelled up.

Dr H says his wife made her potential husband work really hard to impress her in the courtship period phase by coming up with ideas of things she would like to do. She dumped him when he did not and he had to up his game before he could get another date with her.

I think this is particularly relevant to you because you describe yourself as having low standards. Dr H says it is important not to live together during this courtship stage and be tough on the candidate because you both need to come up with date ideas which are appealing if you want to see each other.

Would you say you had much of a courtship period and what kinds of things were you doing together around the time when you fell in love?

Courtship builds good dating habits which should be carried on into marriage.

Have you seen this?
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders