Why are you taking into account her reaction? You do realise she has just had an affair?

Most people out there think it is the betrayed spouse who has the right to a reaction!

Didn't she 'go back on a promise' to you? You were able to consider forgiving it!

The difference was she broke a sacred vow, you would only be avoiding her attempt to emotionally blackmail you with her reaction.

One WW who stormily had a go at her H for exposure was calmly told: "I don't think it is right to keep your affair a secret and I won't do it now or in the future". They are now recovering after he rode out her anger.

There was nothing wrong with not warning her beforehand. She is not supposed to expect exposure. Her reaction is supposed to be an angry one too.

"She's been treating you like you are just optional while to you this is everything."

This is true. We spoke last evening about telling our 18 year old son, which the WW became furious and sees no good in exposing him. I informed her that her co-workers definitely realize there is odd behavior between the two and the WW thinks they're in the shadows. (I have inside information about chatter regarding the WW going to the "broom closet"). Her co-workers are not stupid. I continued to let her know I support her and us and that my focus is on rebuilding. She ultimately became so angry that she said she feels controlled, needs space and is moving out for awhile. She is sick of the questions and suspicion and that the affair is over with the OM. There is no way she'll attempt to get back with him for fear he will reject her and that she'll have a new affair before that happens. I told her it is not my choice to move out however if that is what she chooses than I support it and that she needs to be moved out by this Sunday. She slept on the sofa. I remained positive, clear and loving; not one time raising my voice.

It sure doesn't seem like moving out to get space (to do what she wants) is the way to start rebuilding. When I tell her the kids have indirectly been affected she says I'm throwing the kids in her face for leverage. She's oblivious; she's angry, she's strong headed and she's definitely in withdraw. I informed her that she's an addict in withdraw and seeing the OM at work is only fueling her with temptation. Her response was that I'm using information she shares with me to throw it back in her face.

It's all about her and yes, I do feel I'm optional; not numero uno. I have done so much for her over the years; it hurts to think me and our family is that easy to throw away. Again....it's the addiction that she fails to face.

I just wish it was as easy as admitting what happened, disengaging with the OM and committing to the road to recovery. I'd like to think if I was in her position, I would do whatever it took to save my marriage. Guess people are different.

Oh no, she is showing the very, very typical side effects of an affair from your description. All this means is that she remains in the fog.

It's not a reflection of her permanent character - it is a temporary persona that will only persist as long as the A persists.

That's why we are all telling you to treat the A as active. Being told she needs help evading getting caught by the other wife should have tipped you off as to its continuing nature.

If it was over, she wouldn't care.

I knew she was treating you as optional because that is the typical attitude of a wayward wife when the A is still going.

She is not sure enough to leave; she is also pretty sure her lover would dump her for his wife. However she thinks she can pursue and win him. You are the back up option.

Textbook behaviour is described here: they all think no one else sees the obvious, they all think the kids will be OK, they all demonise the spouse so they can quiet the conscience.


If she was to believe otherwise she would have to stop. That's where exposure comes in.

In Plan A, Dr. Harley recommends you do everything you can to avoid love busters. Don't tell your wife that if she's going to move out, she needs to do it by Sunday. Let her threaten but don't return the threats. If you want to save your marriage, don't do anything to come across as uncaring.

Adultery is an addiction. People don't act intelligently when they have an addiction. They make very destructive decisions, so please don't make the mistake of putting your foggy wayward wife into a logical paradigm. It doesn't work that way. She has more opportunity to think logically AFTER the affair is over and she is over the withdrawal period.

Plan

1) Stop arguing and debating this matter with her. It's disrespectful to educate your spouse in any circumstance. More importantly - debating with a mind which is in the fog is as effective as debating with a drunk. It also loses you masses of lovebank units. Treat her drunk state with a mixture of caring but no nonsense response if she critiques you or your decisions. Don't bother trying to educate.

2) Expose. A nuclear one all in one day. Exposing to the kids (kudos by the way) one day, then someone else the next will have much less of a sobering effect then her phone getting blown up all at once. This is a weak drip, drip approach. That won't wake her up at all. You want to turn her head 360 if at all possible.

Can you read the exposure thread and do a proper exposure plan?

Don't tell her to move out at all!!! Not Plan A.

When she throws this one at you smile fondly and talk about the nice stuff you could be doing if she chooses to stay. Or how much you miss her when she is not around. Or change the subject entirely. Don't participate in her plans to demonise you. It will seem patronising, but try it.

She was upset with herself for ruining OM's life. She was upset that the OM would be mad with her for being the one to get caught. Even to this day if I were to bring it up, that's where her mind would go. He still has a love bank balance with her because their affair did not die a natural death.

That's one of the things that will open your eyes to just how addictive this affair business really is. She will want to protect her AP at your expense because that's what her emotions are telling her to do.

Thank you LongWay, you're right. My intention was assuming a Plan B ideology and to cut the pain (and trigger the wake up call). My confusion is that I feel she will linger and drag me through crap. I am tired of being told she is being controlled, questioned and that she needs space. I'm at the point where I just don't care and think, go for it, it's not what I want however I'm not going to stop you. Perhaps I need to let her know that she should move out when she's ready. Ugh.

EXPOSE to ALL!

Stop waffling and standing behind "honoring your word".

Here is a reality for you, YOU ARE ENABLING THE AFFAIR TO CONTINUE!!!!!

Don't debate,reason, lecture or get into discussion with your wife
Wife about whether to expose to children, workplace analysis and so on. Stay on your own side of the fence and avoid lovebusting at all cost. Don't use her mistake to judge her. There is a difference between rebuking and judging.

Dr. Harley says every betrayed spouse has the right to choose divorce in the case of adultery, because the betrayal is the worst thing one spouse can do to the other. It will probably be the worst experience of your life.

However, if you choose recovery, then sticking to Plan A is your best bet. Plan A includes both exposure and being the best H you can be to your wayward wife. Become the soft place to land when the affair collapses.

Exposure will help you get some much-needed emotional support, and it will cause the adulterers to suffer a lot of disgusted scrutiny. It's not very romantic to have an affair when people everyone knows. Further, exposure causes great conflict to the affair. The betrayed spouse of the OM needs to know. She is not necessarily likely to divorce her wayward husband. She may become a necessary watch at his end to ensure he stays away from your wife. You could suggest MB to her so she can get some help.

Recovery from an affair is a very narrow path. If you choose this route, please follow the steps carefully. You may need antidepressants to get through Plan A. But a man can Plan A for many months without hurting his health. Remember, no arguments or fighting.

You need to be the one standing for the marriage. You are responding to your wife's selfish behaviour and babble with your own selfish stuff and babble. Stop the crazy countering. Stop making statements like you can get into your wife's mind. This is controlling.

Stick to hopeful statements about the marriage, talk about the weather, baseball, neighbors cat.

Write to Dr Harley if you must. Just don't wait to expose. Avoidance will kill your marriage.

Excellent point about the love balance still being there since the affair didn't die a natural death. My WW's affair didn't die on their terms either. I uncovered it after sharing supporting PI pictures, video and related communication; which she had no choice but to admit to, among other things. She is in such withdraw and doesn't think she's an addict. She's a strong minded person, hard on the outside but soft on the inside. She convinces herself she's moved on however not the case. Thank you for sharing and Yes, my WW would also feel bad for the OM. His wife would take their daughter and move to Ecquador, which he would have no recourse since they are not married under US law.

WW: "I am going to move out"

Knight: "Would you like some hot chocolate snookums?"

That is all you need to do with the rambling nonsense she is spouting.

You are far too focused on what she says - she won't remember most of it.

So what is your plan with specific actions?

You do not appear to be acting on the advice from the veterans, only wanting to compare stories and perspectives.

The vets have given you actions and steps, what are you going to do?

NebDane, I can appreciate your sense of urgency regarding a plan of action immediately. Perhaps you have a military background. I'm absorbing, gaining insight and courage to take my approach to the next level. I am afraid and appreciate the advice from the veterans very much.

We really can't inform a wayward of anything. They are not in any frame of mind to care, so all that we will accomplish is further alienation. Please just gather all of the names for exposure, and then do it in one fell swoop (without speaking to her about it or in any way letting her know that it is coming).

She is not in withdrawal. She is seeing him every day and so the affair is still on. Even if they don't speak (highly doubt that), even if no communication at all�SEEING him is fueling her addiction. It makes her feel good because she knows that he wants her. Recovery cannot even begin until the affair has been killed.

With respect, it would help for you also to face what the addiction is. This is not something that can be squelched and then will fizzle out via slow death. It is something that must be stopped dead in its tracks. Every day that you wait to KILL this affair dead you are giving it time to grow even larger, more enmeshed, and more difficult to kill.

Your wife isn't herself right now. She is not focusing on you, and she certainly is not your "partner" in any sense of the word. Once the affair is dead and she TRULY goes through withdrawal so that the mind fog can clear, THEN your wife may be in the same mindset as you and will do whatever it takes to save the marriage.

Expose. Demand a no contact letter. Design EPs to protect from either of you ever seeing or speaking with the OM again. THEN you will be able to begin recovery.

Knightstone, it isn't NebDane's sense of urgency that we are worried about here. We want YOU to have a sense of urgency. People here are all offering help based upon personal experience, and many HAVE recovered their marriages. As LWFH pointed out, the path to recovery from an affair is very narrow. If you are wanting to choose recovery, then deviations from this path can and will cause much more pain than needed. Most of us here know the pain, and so we want to save you from extra helpings if we can.

Not from any military background.

Just know from time on these boards, that timing is critical. The longer you wait, the farther behind you become.

We were all afraid, i was scared to death to expose, scared of the reaction of my now ex-wife mostly. And guess what, i didn't do it right, waited, messed it up completely, had no one advising me, because i found help too late.

You have been given strong proven advice, most people never get.
Please use it.

Thank you BlindSighted.

A broken promise is a good thing when you find out the promise was ill thought and self destructive. The only thing worse than making a bad promise is keeping a bad promise. You made a promise to cover up an affair at your own expense. That promise should never be kept if you are serious about saving your marriage.