|
|
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 40
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 40 |
Apparently the WW has publicly shared with a co-worker she is moving out....not the way to rebuild. I'm continuing with Plan A which is having little to no effect.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
You aren't in Plan A.
Plan A doesn't even start until a nuclear exposure happens ALL IN ONE DAY. Plan A is carrot AND stick. Without exposure, all you're doing is Plan Doormat.
Your vital error is this negotiating attitude you have "if you don't do this, I will do that" - that is a futile approach to take with this disease. You have to make it clear infidelity is both devastating and intolerable and it stops now like it or not.
Even if she calls you controlling.
Also the advice isn't "what everyone here thinks" - it's what Dr Harley KNOWS after 20 years of doing this for his day job - successfully.
Speak to him if you want it from the horse's mouth.
Your plan is in tatters.
Last edited by indiegirl; 07/17/14 10:10 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1 |
You really need to go ahead and expose her affair to everyone. Your agreement not to expose unless the affair continued was wrongly made. Besides the affair is now ongoing and any promise made to this effect is now void.
Go ahead and expose widely and completely. You did right in telling your son. Affairs do indeed affect the entire family.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577 |
Good job on exposing to the boy.
But you are making serious tactical ERRORS, the trickle exposure is not even close to effective.
She now has a chance to spin it so many ways, evidenced by what she said to her son. Now she can make all sorts of wild accusations against you, starts by her saying she doesn't feel safe, and boom you have a protection order against you.
My advice is to get a VAR and carry it with you at all times.
Of course there is no rebuild, the affair is active and they work together and see each other daily.
Are you happy you retained your "honor"?
WE ALL TOLD YOU THE OM WOULDN'T!!!!!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
Can you get hold of OMW TODAY?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
He has hope and I let him know I am fighting with all my strength. Next exposure....the OMW. Have trust, it will happen, just not at the same rate in which everyone here suggests. You are going to wreck your chances if you don't finish these exposures TODAY. You are going to drag this out unnecessarily and keep your wife in a state of fury, which will result in an ongoing affair and prevent you from entering recovery. The "rate" we suggest is critically important and you should not ignore our advice on this. You have done a trickle exposure which is like bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight. Now, do you want to save your marriage or do you want to continue to play games?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Apparently the WW has publicly shared with a co-worker she is moving out....not the way to rebuild. I'm continuing with Plan A which is having little to no effect. You are in Plan KNIGHTSTONE, which is going to destroy your marriage if you don't start listening to us.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
Here is a great quote: It�s interesting how many men react to their wife�s adultery with such trepidation and fear. They simple don�t understand the dire emergency and threat adultery is to their marriage. It�s always about the fear of their wife. Fear of her anger. Fear of �pushing her further away�. Fear of losing their precious adultery stained marriage and perhaps if they do nothing it will all go away and maybe they won�t even get a disease.
In other critical situations most men will act quickly and decisively. A sort of intuitive understanding to �assault the ambush� mentality. Don�t hide behind a stump until they pick you off. Charge! Hey, they might get you anyway but at least you have a chance. Right?
For example you are up in Alaska and suddenly are confronted by a Kodiak bear. And he�s hungry. This also qualifies as a dire emergency and threat.
Fortunately you are carrying a .300 ultra magnum caliber Remington Model 700 BDL rifle with a 26 inch barrel and gloss walnut grips and your collection of trophies from NRA competitions in you den back home indicate you know how to use it.
The 1,400 lb. bear wipes away his drool and charges.
What-ya gonna do Bubba? Negotiate? Hide behind a stump? Not likely.
But when your 125 lb. adulterous wife tells you �If you (fill in the blank with an action that stands up to her adultery), I am going to stomp my feet and put on a super pout!�, you assume your fetal position on the floor of the guest room.
�You�re right honey. I�m sorry. I just don�t want to push you further away. I�ll be in the guest room if you need me for anything as soon as I'm done arranging the flowers I bought you.�
I don�t know guys. This gets embarrassing sometimes.
Where has all the testosterone gone?
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Get your exposures done TODAY so you can move onto next steps. DO NOT DRAG THIS OUT!! You have a very narrow window to do this and your time is wasting as we speak.
All you did here was shoot the affair with a pea shooter. You should be doing everything in your power TODAY to kill the affair while you have the chance. All you have done with this one little trickle exposure is piss them off and MAKE THEM STRONGER.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Even if my WW throws herself at him, he has an obligation to defend against it and he hasn't. I am hopeful we can reconcile. Right now, the WW is definitely pushing away at a great rate. YOU have an obligation to defend your marriage from this piece of rat filth and you have not. You have only allowed the fox to remain in the henhouse with your blessing. Your marriage will NEVER EVER recover as long as they work together. So if you want to have a chance at saving this, you must expose wide and far TODAY and get this done. THEN tell your wife she must leave that job and end all contact or this will lead to divorce. You cannot back off from that position. <---------------- this is your only hope.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 40
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 40 |
Question: Close co-worker email should state:
1. Bring to light the affair
2. Make it clear you support and forgive your wife
3. Recognize they are a positive influence on your wife and are friends
4. Ask for their support
5. OTHER???
If I have a picture of the WW and OM kissing, should I attach this so that there is no "this is not true" from the WW?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1 |
You will actually be doing your wife a great favor if you follow the advice here. She doesn't understand yet that she is wrecking her life. This will have turned out to be the worst and most destructive decision she will ever make and one she will likely regret for the rest of her life.
You will be helping her if you do all you possibly can to kill the affair.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
Here is another great one: Men are wired to appease women and don't seem to realize that is the WORST thing you can do with a wayward. Appeasing a wayward who is hellbent on destroying your marriage will result in a ....................destroyed marriage. Appeasement will get you exactly nowhere except divorced while you pay the mortgage on a home that has been taken over by an OM who has REPLACED YOU. But to you conflict avoider men, I want to tell you something very important, so please heed my words: Women do not love men they do not respect and they do not respect men whom they can run over. It is disgusting. So when you reward her with flowers when she has just been with her OM, you are doing nothing more than inviting her disgust and eroding any love and respect she may have left for you. This unconditional "love" is nothing other than ENABLING and trains her to have false expectations of entitlement. You are creating a monster with your appeasement tactics. What women want to see is a man who has the BALLS to fight for his marriage. A man who stands up for his marriage and fights for it. He causes as much conflict as possible in the affair and he protects his children AT ALL COSTS from her affair. And to the next man who tells me that his adulterous, alley catting wife is a "good mother," I have this for you:  Oh please. WAKE THE HELL UP! There is nothing "good" about a mother who wrecks her children's family in pursuit of her own lust; who runs around like an alley cat in heat. What a ridiculous notion. A good mother is not selfish and neglectful and RECKLESS. So, you men who think that Plan C [Dr Harley calls this Plan "compromise", I call it Plan Conflict Avoidance] is going to get you anywhere, think again. It is the most likely to lead to divorce. So please, lets leave the wimp convention and start fighting to save your marriage.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 40
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 40 |
Question: "CC" all co-workers so they see who else was listed or send individually?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Question: Close co-worker email should state:
1. Bring to light the affair
2. Make it clear you support and forgive your wife
3. Recognize they are a positive influence on your wife and are friends
4. Ask for their support
5. OTHER???
If I have a picture of the WW and OM kissing, should I attach this so that there is no "this is not true" from the WW? You had better enlarge your LIST and stop this trickling or it is not going to help. Use the template letters in my exposure thread and YES, do include the photo. Drop this nonsense about "forgiveness." ARE YOU LISTENING??
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Question: "CC" all co-workers so they see who else was listed or send individually? Don't send it to all her coworkers. Send it only to her closest friends at work AND send an official email to Human Resources, her supervisor, his supervisor and a key VP. You are, once again, in Plan K! Did you read the exposure thread?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 40
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 40 |
Exposure 101 (or other info on MB) does state for friends that you indicate you're willing to forgive and save your marriage.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
No, it doesn't so take that out.
Have you written out your list of exposure targets? Can you post your targets and post the letters you are planning on sending?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1 |
The exposure letters say you want to recover your marriage, which is different and much more encompassing than simply forgiving her.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810 |
The other betrayed spouse IS going to hear the news just as soon as you send your exposure emails.
Guess who that betrayed spouse will hear the news from? HER CHEATING HUBBY!
Is that what you want? Do you want HIM to get to spin his side of the story to her first? No doubt that you are an abusive and jealous raging husband, and there is nothing to the story, but you have gotten it into your head that just because they work together, you are accusing every man at work to be having affairs with your wife.
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good! 
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
116
guests, and
26
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,661
Posts2,323,619
Members72,372
| |
Most Online9,682
May 13th, 2026
|
|
|
|
