This is my first post. The issue right now is actually doing the program. We started it a few weeks back but I feel like if I dont ask to do it, she will not suggest it. She is willing to do it if I ask and has made some changes. I also have made changes. I dont think she loves me, romantically. Her top five needs only include one intimate one: conversation. Sometimes I think that need is because she has no friends to talk to. I think her main need is to not have conflict. So, as long as I am pleasant and dont appear needy then she is content. She is the reluctant spouse. When I start asking for more she tends to feel I am being demanding. She does not like conflict and if I did not get the program we would be detached. She has not initiated getting closer but says she is willing. She has said she doesnt think I can handle her being honest so she has tended to just go along with whatever. She said she is willing to work on the marriage. I dont know if she is doing it because she hates conflict. We went through a rough phase of tension when I get demanding about how detached she seems. If I do not pursue she will focus on just about anything else besides me. I'm getting depressed just writing this! We are only spending about 5-6 hours a week in IC, SF, and RC. She would do more if I press it but she has been feeling overwhelmed with feeling anxiety and some depression and some mid-life changes, etc. and feels stressed about her other responsibilities. I guess she feels everything is a chore for her. She says she loves me and will do the program but I know that her other 'demands' will win out if I do not press to make the time. The past two weeks I have not felt like fighting and dealing with her resistance so I just fall back on 'I'm fortunate to have her' so I dont demand and that makes her happy. I am getting some of my needs met and she is getting some of hers, but I feel vulnerable and bad about myself for wanting so much attention and affection.

Has she said this? How did she phrase it exactly?

Does she have specific complaints or is it frustratingly vague and the reasons keep shifting and changing?

Conversation can win any woman around - there is more to this.

Are you enrolled in the online program? Is that what you mean when you said your doing the MB program?

Have you seen this? How to Make Your Wife Happy

Do you listen to MB radio?

In a good marriage, each spouse concentrates on meeting their partner's ENs. One's own ENs are met through reciprocity. Your biggest concern appears to be how to get your own needs met. You imply that you are the needy one and she is not. I suspect the reality is that she is in withdrawal, and you are demanding that she snap out of it. You are not going to be successful in engaging your wife unless she sees benefits for her. Since you know conversation is a top need, I would try concentrating on meeting that need to the best of your abilities. Work on being a better listener and engage her in conversation that interests her. Back off on pushing her to engage the program, and don't demand that she meets your needs. As you build a love bank balance by meeting her conversation need, she will come around on her own and join you in the process.

Agree with MrE, demands won't get you what you want. I would start a program of ATTRACTION and try to attract her to you. In her mind, it seems that you are just another unpleasant chore.

What could you do that would make her the happiest? What about a nice trip together to a place she loves?

How long married? How many children?

Thanks for all your good feedback. I will stop requesting that we continue the formal MB program that we started last month as you advise. I will, in essence, be pleasant and leave her alone which is what she seems to desire and I will continue to listen as she likes to talk to me in the morning over coffee about her job and during after-dinner walks- Thanks again-

We didn't say leave her alone. She doesn't have an emotional need to be left alone. What you need to do is be proactive in meeting her emotional needs, particularly the conversation need that you already know about.

Are you in the online program? Do you have a coach?

No one said to leave her alone.

Since she is in withdrawal her listed "needs" other then convos at this point are likely skewed. I had this kind of experience with my husband. He was h-bent on ensuring all his own outcomes for happiness. Hallmark of withdraw or empathy disability. Many of his listed needs could be performed all alone or already with people other then myself--an attempt to replace me.

The best you can do has already been described. I'll restate in my own way.

1. Make conversations pleasant for your wife and not relational or a lead-in to relational talk. Don't assume you know your wife. Get to know her all over again in a fun way. You'll probably have to experiment with what lights her up in conversation. A hobby? A movie? Why? I would ask questions about my husband recreational interest. Also he liked off-the-wall questions about his childhood activities and adventures.

2. Take care of affection with peripheral gestures. Doing a chore without expectations. Leave an encouraging note. Pick up flowers at Safeway/florist and set them out w/out comment. You get the idea.

3. Do the above gestures at a nice steady pace. Don't throw these gestures and attention on her in hyper fashion and get outwardly upset if she seems to not notice or care. All this stuff is to reset and show a changing and lasting set point for your marriage. Your going to have to shoulder this for awhile.

4. See a doc for anti-depressant. The sharp rub you feel will be muted and get you by in your wife's state of withdrawal for the period necessary.