Alternate Consideration by Dr. H.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5033a_qa.html

I've read Surviving Infidelity and my WW has read the above link from the first letter of "what to do with my wife", which is basically the position she is in right now. She's asked to have space and that the harder I try the more I push her away. What if I took the advice of Dr. H on the approach illustrated above? My wife would agree to the arrangement which is basically an "open marriage" for a set time while the WW figures out her feelings. The following are facts known to my situation that my wife has shared. My intention here is not to discredit the advice of the vets for full exposure but to align myself with the best possible outcome to effectively save my marriage and regain my self-assurance because frankly, right now I am an absolute and complete mess.

Facts:
WW states she never intended to leave me
WW states she does in fact love the OM
WW states the affair would end like it began and fizzle out
WW states she loves me but I am smothering her and the more I try, the more she turns away...she needs space
WW and I have regular sex
WW states she could never be with the OM indefinitely because he's not leaving his wife and they most likely wouldn't be compatible in that sort of living arrangement
WW has taken little to no responsibility or any sort of actions to restoring our marriage
WW states the affair is over but I know it is not. She continues to fill her emotional needs by him behind my back
WW and I live together and have 3 children
WW and I have good jobs and a comfortable life
WW is very, very stubborn however heals and forgets fairly easily if it is on her terms
WW likes to be in control
WW does not like to feel she is being controlled

With that said and I completely expect to get a rash of crap from my post by those who have helped and put undue time into my situation, is it possible I fit this scenario? Yes, it goes against many of the reasons to end the affair and stabilize the playing field and eliminate the addiction however, perhaps Dr. H is correct that given the right circumstances this could most definitely work. In my case, I'm thinking it's worth a try. Please consider with an open mind and many, many thanks for your help.

Lastly, if you feel this is an option I would be interested to hear some of your thoughts regarding the approach. My WW already said she would like to try this approach so that is huge but I've been defiant (for obvious reasons). Perhaps there was a reason the OMW wasn't home yesterday before I started the war.

Sir,
You misunderstand Dr. Harley's advice in that letter you posted.
Dr. Harley does NOT recommend an "open marriage."

What Dr. Harley offers is a plan for Surviving an Affair and recovering marriages RUINED by affairs.
Because affairs DESTROY marriages.

Dr. Harley is very clear that affairs should be exposed to the light of day, "far and wide."

If you want to save your marriage, your first step is exposure.

And just a quick FYI: Don't get in a car with a falling down drunk and let him drive you home, because he WILL wreck the car. Likewise, dont ask your adulteress wife how to proceed with saving your marriage.

Sir, you are an enabler.

If the shoe was on the other foot do you think your wife would agree to such a thing?

If you don't respect yourself who will?

You are simply afraid of losing something you have already lost. I completely understand because I have been there. But you would be making a very serious mistake to agree to that. You must push through your fear and do the one thing that has a good chance of working and that is EXPOSURE.

Have you seen this? What is Gaslighting?

Plan Knightstone sounds great, let me recap, Kightstone is going to do nothing while his wife "finds" herself with the OM.

When Monday comes, and you have another 1 to 3 reasons to delay, instead of wasting everyone's time, why don't you just go file for divorce.
It will save you and everyone's time.

Plan Knightstone is a plan for extended pain/suffering and divorce.
Since you are hell bent on Plan Knightstone, rip the band aide off and file for divorce.

Sorry for being harsh, hope the Mod's don't get mad at me.

None of these facts are abnormal. Read around here long enough and you'll see that there is nothing really unique about your situation at all. It's almost like people in affairs are reading from the same script.

If you want a chance at saving this thing, you will expose it. And you know what? Your WW will continue to read from the same script and get very angry. She will throw a fit and tell you that you have lost her for good because you exposed it. Expect this! Ignore it!

Listen to the vets here because they have been through it and know exactly what is coming!

I would do as I suggested and contact her via facebook. That way she will know all about the affair this weekend.

Please don't waste our time and yours with nonsense like this. Go forward with your epxosure and get this done. WE all know very well what Dr. Harley's advice is and that is to EXPOSE THE AFFAIR.

FACT: if you don't get off your butt and start moving you are going to lose your marriage.

I expected the response I received and appreciate it.
My reference to Dr. H's advice is not Plan Knightstone but Dr. H's plan of action for a very specific (and different) situation which is very close to my situation. All of the reasons pointed out make sense as to why exposure is necessary. I get that completely. In the story I reference, I read nothing about exposure. If I told my wife I had an attraction to a woman that was consuming, I do believe she would say go get it out of your system because I know you are with me. This certainly isn't typical and yes, she would give me that. To be quite honest, it happened years ago and the simple act of her understanding was enough for me not to pursue the woman. It was not nearly as exciting once I told my wife and I feel my wife's OM will be significantly less exciting when she is given the opportunity. It takes the secret out of secrecy and that's not much fun.

I am Knightstone and I am committed to saving my marriage. I'll let you know how the conversation goes. If anybody has recommendations that mirror the story I referenced, I'd enjoy your input.

My apologies in advance if you feel you've wasted your time on me. Please know you haven't. You have all been instrumental in creatively providing feedback and clear on the path to success of exposure.

Dear Lord, please erase this INSANE post from my mind...

Are you TRULY so uncaring and complacent about your own marriage that you would endorse an open marriage? Now is the time to show your wife you care enough to fight for your marriage. It is not the time to demonstrate that YOU DON'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE with such destructive, sicko suggestions.

Dr Harley always recommends exposure. If you refuse to expose, he will call you an "ENABLER." Like Dr Harley says, "it is very hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler." You need to get moving and get this done.

Stop looking for excuses NOT to expose. Dr. Harley will not endorse your plan to enable the affair, I assure you.

If you want to save your marriage, you must expose. Otherwise this situation is hopeless and we cannot help you.

This is really sick and messed up and just shows how little your wife cares about your marriage. You should not show the same lack of care to her in return.

You are in competition with the OM and I assure you he is showing his care to her. You want to look worse than him? You will if you tell her you care so little about her that you will agree to an open marriage.

No, Sir.
Dr. Harley's plan is found in Surviving an Affair and all over this website.
You are taking a letter which details a small part of his plan and attempting to make it all encompassing to meet YOUR plan.

Dr Harley told one man on the radio that he had probably lost his marriage becuase he had enabled the affair so long. [didn't expose] While the betrayed husband enabled the affair, it grew more and more entrenched until the WW got pregnant and left him. The marriage likley could have been saved if he would have exposed the affair.

Bottom line, Knighstone, is that there is nothing we can do to help you if you insist on enabling this affair. Your situation is hopeless if you refuse to follow the steps here.

After some of the sick, enabling posts I see here today, I question how serious you are about saving your marriage. MY GOD, what kind of a man suggests an "open marriage" to his wife? That is just unbelievable in its lack of caring! I am truly shocked!

Knightstone you are the olympic champion enabler.
You got the GOLD medal for enabling, and appear to be going for the gold medal in cuckholding, gaslighting, denial, avoidance.

You will be an example that the vets talk about regarding what not do, so you do add value in providing the examples that people need for doing it wrong.

I wish I would have been given the gift of knowledge and found this board in time. I tried your approach, (which is following a different so called respected divorce prevention method). It only served to drive my ex-ww deeper into the abyss, never to be seen again.

So your wife is in love with another man and you think the best course of action is to open your marriage for your wife to go hae sex and fall deeper in love? She isn't curious about the OM, she already is engaged in an A with him and you are pushing her away telling her to go to him?

Do you understand how silly this sounds? I know you're scared to lose your wife, BUT YOU'VE already lost her and you're not doing anything to get her back? OPEN YOUR EYES or your marrige is over dude.

Go here and listen to what Dr Harley tells spouses who don't expose: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=163853&Number=2518985#Post2518985

Honestly, I don't GET these BH who come here and think they are making love bank deposits by letting their WWs flaunt their affairs right in front of their face. She probably thinks of you more like a brother because of this behavior.

Letting her talk to you about OM? Supporting the affair while she figures things out?? Befriending the OM??? This is supposed to be attractive to your WW?

Yes, we've seen this coddling affair-supportive BH before and it NEVER works. It will actually BACKFIRE on you. I cannot imagine how repulsive this must be to your wife.

This is not the way a husband who is passionate about his wife and his marriage behaves. Your actions should be telling her "I will fight for you. I will not tolerate this OM in this marriage." THAT is the message EXPOSURE sends.

Good grief.

Knightstone, your post was tough to read. Melody is right�it was so so sad. I literally had to walk away, go outside and take a walk, before I could come back and post to you.

You're listening to the enemy. Do you GET that? (no, I think not) Right now, your wife is just as much of an enemy to your M as the OM is. And she seems to be doing a great job at getting you to join their side too.

There is nothing special or different in your situation�hers is just the garden variety affair that we see on here day after day. Just like every other wayward spouse, she is lying to your face. And you're buying it hook line and sinker.

Neither of you are respecting your M, and that is something SO VERY AWFUL to read on here. Many of us here had to fight for all that we were worth to turn our lives around with HUGE obstacles (such as long term very enmeshed affairs or serial cheating). And here you are�with a situation that we all see as totally salvageable�and you are AGREEING with the enemy and adding some gasoline to the embers.