I have found that males make better IMs for using toward WHs.

Do you have a distant male relative who might be able and willing to handle this? (cousin perhaps?) Someone who can be matter of fact and deal with not sharing drama from the other side?

The mathematical reality is that people cheat in pairs. Of course, individual situations might have one of the APs being single, having multiple affair partners, or having same-sex APs, but for the most part, men and women cheat in equal numbers. By logical extension, there are pretty much the same number of BHs and BWs out there.

Reading , our. Family is so large they all by now or will soon know what has happened I am not sure if there is anyone who would be willing and certainly not soon enough ,to communicate with my WH but maybe in the future , for now I will just have to communicate myself
Thanks
Zo

Zoloft, did you ever expose to the present OW's family?

As long as you have exposed to the OW's family and friends, I am willing to be your IM. Ask the moderators for my email.

Blindsighted2013, yes I have exposed to the OW family. I have not spoken directly to her, she will not return my calls, but she got the no contact letter from WH , which was obviously a sham. So she knows I know. Is there anything else I should do regarding the OW? I emailed her son, and I know he confronted OW because WH told me before we separated. They live in a different country part time and in our little town part time.
Thank you so much for your help, I will ask the mods for your email. I will be flying all day tomorrow .
Thank you again for your willingness

Zoloft, you do not need to speak to the OW directly (she knows that she is having an affair).

Which OW did you hear him speaking to when he butt dialed?

Have you yourself exposed to that OW's parents, her siblings, her husband?

Did you ever expose to your husband's parents? You absolutely NEED to do that if you have not. It is not to be mean, or to cause grief for anyone�.it is to have as many folks as possible jumping in to help to keep your husband accountable.

Yes, ask the mods for my email and then shoot me an email and I will answer back. Once we have corresponded, then you can add my info to your Plan B letter.

Once you have left the Plan B letter for your husband, then no more contact (so be sure to open up a new email account when you contact me�that way you can close your old email account right afterward).

Regarding your plan B letter�there are some samples here ---> Sample Plan B Letters

Don't forget to clearly outline what it will take for you to be willing to reconcile (end all contact and design a plan for reconciliation�see the sample letters). Provide him a clear path home.

If you need help, just post your letter here and we'll offer suggestions.

He told his parents, so yes, they know. I have not exposed to the OW sister , but I can, I have her email. The OW is not married, the one I overheard is one of the 3 he had the longest ongoing affair with . Since I had to get out in a hurry, I left the PBL in the condo, so IM info is not on it. But I can email him that info and quickly go dark right after. I used one of the examples and added our personal history to it.
When I expose to her sister, WH is going to be pissed and tell his family and that hurts his Mom, who is like my Mom . That makes me sad and i know he does it to try to turn them against me. My sister in law is very protective of her aging , ill parents and says I shouldn't give them a reason to not be on my side. She feels they know enough. I am trying to preserve those relationships if there is any way.They are so old fashioned about keeping things "private and in the family" if he was able to get them on his side because they thought I was being destructive, it would be very hard for us to ever reconcile.
What is the best way to expose to the OW sister do you think ? With the least amount of damage to my family ( aging parents) is there a nicer way to expose? In. Dr Harley's book he says it should not be done in a spirit of anger or revenge, but rather with compassion toward those who find themselves similarly threatened by the affair. I will review exposure letters again.
Thanks

Zo, it doesn�t matter if he told his parents - and even if he did (unlikely) it was the wayward it's-ok-we-are-separated-and-zoloft-is-mean-doesn't-care version.

YOU are the one who exposes. You tell them you are heartbroken, want to save your marriage and that you need their support. How can they know THAT from his lips? If they are enablers and take the affair's side, then you will know they are enemies of the marriage and that will be important information to have. However you can't possibly predict how they will react. At least give them the opportunity to join you and to help their son.

His sister sounds like trouble and as though she and her brother are trying to stop the parents finding out ("I already told them honey! Don't you tell them! Because they uh, already know!" <----- classic red herring). This is a sign that his parents are THE target to hit.

I'd get hold of them and tell them straight very quickly.

So it sounds like the OWs sister is a GREAT exposure target. I encourage you to send her an exposure letter before you close down your old email account.

It only needs to be simple: "I am writing to let you know that your Sister, XXX, has been having an ongoing affair with my husband, XXX, since approximately XX-XX-XXXX. XXX and I have been married for 31 years, and our family is devastated by this. I ask that you please implore your sister to have no further contact with my husband".

We understand your feeling that way right now, Zoloft, but it is untrue. The TRUTH is that it will be very hard for you and your husband to ever reconcile UNTIL he commits to considering YOU first in his life. When and if he will do that, then there will be no more "taking sides", since ALL sides will point to the marriage. Both of you will make choices based on what is best for the marriage entity.

Totally agree!

Zoloft, it's actually the kindest thing that you can do to give your in-laws the TRUTH about their own lives. I assure you that they already know that there is more to the story than they have been told.

Call them straight away and give them the missing pieces (use caller ID block if calling from your new phone number).

At the same time you can also re-assure them that you totally love their son, and that you are willing to work hard towards making a new marriage with him ONCE he ends all contact with all OW and re-commits to only you.

No need to educate them on your choice to leave, or explain your choices�if they ask where you went, just respond that you are safe and hope that you can all see each other soon...just be a broken record of "I value my relationship with both of you and wanted you to know the truth. I love your son and want us to make a better M than ever AFTER he has ended all contact. I ask for you to implore your son to end all contact with any OW".

Okay I am now firmly in Plan B and this is tough , but I have to mean what I say. I hope and pray for all your support in the coming months. If anyone has any suggestions of anything else I should do, I welcome them. I am going to call the parents in the morning to reiterate what's happened and that I want to reconcile if my WS will also be willing.
Thanks
Zo

Indiegirl's post bears repeating so I thought I'd copy it here now that you are truly in Plan B.

How you doing?

I'm doing , I don't even know what word could possibly phrase it. I cry, then I feel kind of strong, then weak like a mouse. I worked on stuff today, what it will take to permanently relocate, get a job,start over with nothing at 56 years old it's kind of daunting. I'm afraid to spend any money so pedicures and such aren't in the cards right now. Just trying to keep my head above water and not cry too much. About 2 weeks since D-Day 2, false recovery.
Zo

Zo;
Then do an at-home pedi.... It will lift your spirits!!

That's normal. It was just the same for me.

How did exposure to parents go?

Parents exposure went ok, pop tried to lecture me a bit. Said I hurt my WS too ( probably by exposing) I said that WS was probably feeling guilty for what he had done and was trying to gain their sympathy, and I DIDNT take any responsibility for what he had done. Even with that I felt it went well over all. I assured them I love my WS and he has a way back if he wants it .
Now working on finding out what it will take to support myself , by myself , in dollars and what it will take to do that.
Zo

Zoloft,

It is unusual for a father to to tell his daughter (betrayed by her husband) that exposure may be hurting the cheating husband.

Most fathers are immediately concerned for the welfare of the betrayed daughter and could care less about how the cheating husband feels about exposure.

EDIT: Was this your father in law you called pop?
If so, he sounds like my ex FIL (an enabler)

I'd put FiL on your watch list. Everyone who said that to me turned out to be a cheat.

Take good care of yourself and let us know what you are doing to cheer yourself up.