I was matched with someone last December on eHarmony and we started slowly getting to know each other. Started out with emails, then phone calls and finally meeting each other. Since it is an LDR, we have had to arrange several visits. Visits were very proper with either her at a hotel here, or with me at a hotel at her city. Last few visits have now been either at her home or at mine. Even the latter visits at our homes has both of us with our own rooms. My point is we both have been very cautious and taken our time to get to know each other. Over this time, we have developed strong feelings for each other.

However, I have recently noticed (during her last visit to my place), that she will become dejected and even reclusive out of seemingly nowhere. The first time it happened I was alarmed because she looked terrible when it happened. She finally told me she thought I may have feelings for my x-wife.(I have been divorced for 10 years and I definitely do not have feelings for my x). We talked it over and she realized that I don�t have feelings for my x. She thought I had feelings because I told her that I will always feel the pain of divorce (which I believe I always will to some extent). But it was her reaction is what concerned me. She curled up in the fetal position on my couch and just looked awful. She told me after, that she takes things very hard.

Since that first episode, we will be together, and things are fine and later, I may find her sitting in her room completely dejected. This may last for several hours and then she slowly comes out of it. When she comes out of it, she is very affectionate and seems very happy with life. During her last visit of two weeks, it happened three times.

In hindsight, I also recall during our early phone conversations that she would sound dejected at times. She would tell me that she had a bad day. Once she told me that she had a bad day and spent the afternoon in her bedroom. This was before we physically met.

I am not a mental health expert by any means but is there a possible condition here? I don�t think it is bipolar because I do not see any �highs� but only �lows�.

Other than that, she is very kind, considerate and a great mom. And she has taken a lot of time to get to know me so she is not a needy person at all.

I need to have a heart-to-heart conversation with her on this. How do I approach it? Anyone have an insight to what I have described above?

Do you think she is depressed?

I would send your post to Dr. Harley and ask him what he thinks of this behavior. He is a clinical psychologist who probably has experience with this. He will answer your question for free if you write him at the radio show. [you don't have to go on the radio show if you don't want to do that - he will just email you]

I am no expert either but I can tell you that it is perfectly possible to have only 'highs' or only 'lows', they do not necessarily have to both be there.

I think the condition was easier to understand when it was called manic depression.

I have a close friend from childhood who periodically has manic episodes where she cannot sleep for days. After the birth of her first child she had to be sectioned. She has never had a depressive episode. My son, on the other hand, has periods of depression but no manic episodes.

My daughter has a friend who has violent mood swings and can cycle through them very fast. As a teenager she was so heavily medicated that she started hearing voices. She went into rehab and they took her off everything. Now she has learned how to manage her moods without medication. A clever girl and a gifted writer.

Melody,

Perhaps she is depressed. Not sure...

I dealt with depression for years after my divorce (never had it prior). Based on my experiences, only her low periods appear to be depression. Once she is out of the low, there is no "high" or euphoria at all. For me, I would be in the gutter extremely depressed and then hours later, I felt I could conquer the world.

I just had a conversation with a buddy of mine that I met at Divorce Care. He told me his current wife acted similarly when they dated (I hope that statement doesn't sound sexist). But I am wondering if maybe this is part of the ups and downs of getting to know someone. She has told me from day one that she requires alone time each day to reflect and when she was here, she had very little alone time.

I may be reading way, way too much into this or it could be red flag.

I may contact Dr. Harley. Thanks for the advice.

Thank you for the feedback.

It is definitely a "down" but it sure doesn't sound normal to me. Please do write Dr. Harley and ask him what he thinks is causing this. Better to find out sooner rather than later. They welcome emails.

I did have a long talk with her on this yesterday. I asked her about her "downs" and asked if she was dealing with depression or any other disorder. She was a little shocked and said no she wasn't. She went on to say again that she is very emotional and when things bother her, they really bother her. She also stated that at times during her visit, she felt overwhelmed with the feelings for me and the stress of possibly moving her and her son to where I live. (I will admit, even 10 years after a painful divorce for me, the thought of remarrying scares me to death also). Anyway, we aren't at the point of marriage or anything.

I did tell her about my bouts of depression and she seemed concerned about that and asked a lot of questions. She wanted to make sure that I battle it properly. She also admitted even though we have been communicating and visiting since December, we still do not know each other very well (because it is a LDR) and that we have a ways to go. So that also shows me she is not needy and is not willing to get into any type of dysfunctional relationship.

Everything else about her is wonderful. She is sweet, kind, unbelievably pretty and probably the best mom that I have ever met. And I truly enjoy her company (except when she is so "down").

I am glad we talked about it and did not sweep it under the rug. One of the mistakes I made during my marriage was not addressing concerns/problems head on.

I do plan on sending this to Dr. Harley. I want to see what he thinks. It still concerns me.

Good and please let us know what he says.

BHINWI:

Whenever I do premarital counseling, I check to see that both partners are emotionally fit to be married. By that, I mean that neither suffers from an emotional disorder, or drug, alcohol, or sexual addiction that would interfere with their ability to care for each other. As you may well imagine, there are many who don't pass my scrutiny. When they don't, I recommend a treatment plan to help eliminate the disorder or addiction that is making their lives dysfunctional.

I also encourage them to talk with each other's previous romantic partners, especially those they have divorced. What is the perspective of someone who actually lived with that person in an intimate relationship? Did they notice anything that could have its roots in emotional disorders or addiction? Sometimes mood swings are not noticed until you've seen a person for over a year. While that advice is often ignored, years later when they run into trouble they wish they had followed it.

The past is the best predictor of the future, and if your friend's obvious problem with mood control has been a long-term problem, she should have an evaluation by a clinical psychologist licensed to diagnose mental disorders. If it has been a recent occurrence, she should see a neurologist for the possibility of a neurological disease that could be its root cause. But regardless of the cause, I'd postpone any commitment to this relationship until it can be diagnosed and treated effectively. She does not have to go through life with these symptoms if they are treated properly. If she does not have them treated, your relationship with her could turn out to be very miserable for both of you.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

Dr. Harley,

Thank you for your reply. We have another visit approaching (me staying at her place) and I am going to be watching for mood swings. It could be as simple as she said (that she is emotional) or it could be something more. I just don't know at this point.

If it happens again, I am going to ask her what she is feeling at the moment.

I have never thought about premarital counseling but if we get to that point, I will want to do that and hope she will also.

Will keep posting on this. As always, I really appreciate all the help this site has given me over the years.