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Set the bar HIGH and don't settle for less. If you set the bar low, he will live down to your expectations. I don't know why I struggle with setting the bar high. I know this is what I have to do. I am in the process of writing him a letter where I tell him exactly what I need from him. I plan on insisting that we do the Home Study program. Do you think that I should threaten separation if he doesn't cooperate? Let him know that you need him to do the Home Study program with you, but don't make threats. Just silently prepare for a separation. Making threats will not get you what you want.
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On your dates are you both on your very best behavior? Do you both strive to impress by being very pleasant and charming? Do you both look your best on your dates? I try! Does he?
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Joined: Jan 2014
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I really need some help. I am so angry with my H and my love bank is so empty. I feel that what I need to do is separate from him but it seems so daunting and I really don't want to do it. Do you all think that it would be good for me to talk to Steve before making that decision? I also wonder if I should ask H talk to him...I think I have read that he is very good with reluctant spouses. Any advice?
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Joined: Nov 2011
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I really need some help. I am so angry with my H and my love bank is so empty. I feel that what I need to do is separate from him but it seems so daunting and I really don't want to do it. Do you all think that it would be good for me to talk to Steve before making that decision? I also wonder if I should ask H talk to him...I think I have read that he is very good with reluctant spouses. Any advice? I'm not familiar with your thread but I see you may have enrolled in the online program. Is this true? If so, you can email Dr. Harley directly. Why are you angry with your husband? What is he doing to upset you?
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Joined: Jan 2014
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We have not enrolled in the online program although I have practically begged H to do so.
Although he is doing better with some things, he continues to exhibit IB and is not meeting my needs for affection (I can't remember the last time he kissed me on the lips.)
An example of the ib would be this past Monday he told me "I won't be home right away after work." This typically means 7 or 8 o'clock, but he was still not home at 10 when I went to bed. I used his find my iphone app to see where he was and he was at a restaurant/bar. I did not speak to him for 2 days because I didn't want to love bust. This morning he said, "I play tennis tonight but not sure if its 6,7, or 8 so I'll just take my stuff with me." To which I replied, "just say you'll be late and then you have free reign to do whatever you want...in your book. " so he said, "ok, I'll be late tonight. " This really pissed me off so I said, "you'll be happy to know I'm looking for an apartment then you can do whatever you want to do." He just scoffed and said "you're not going anywhere"
This has been an ongoing issue for us and he knows how much it bothers me...which makes it so much worse.
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This really pissed me off so I said, "you'll be happy to know I'm looking for an apartment then you can do whatever you want to do." He just scoffed and said "you're not going anywhere" You need to separate from him. This is not going to get any better on its own. When to Call It Quits - Part 1
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have read that and I understand it, but like I said it is so daunting. And I don't want to leave my home...I love it...why should I have to leave when he is the one who won't work on the marriage?
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Why don't you ask him to move and see if that will work? Otherwise, I don't see that you have any options, do you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He has said he wants to separate several times and last time he said it I agreed (that was about 3 weeks ago when we had the same issue of him staying out without letting me know). Then he seemed to work really hard at being a better husband...until Monday. It is almost a routine with us.
I know these are just excuses but right now we have 3 of our 4 kids living with us (one who is married so her husband also) plus a friend of our daughter's. My oldest has one more year of high school and our son is getting married in January. I can't see how it would even be possible to plan B at this point.
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He has said he wants to separate several times and last time he said it I agreed (that was about 3 weeks ago when we had the same issue of him staying out without letting me know). Then he seemed to work really hard at being a better husband...until Monday. It is almost a routine with us.
I know these are just excuses but right now we have 3 of our 4 kids living with us (one who is married so her husband also) plus a friend of our daughter's. My oldest has one more year of high school and our son is getting married in January. I can't see how it would even be possible to plan B at this point. I am unclear why you can't go into Plan B? People do this all the time. You aren't perpetually chained to your husband for the rest of your life. Why do your grown kids and another kid live with you? Is that a situation you both enthusiastically agreed to?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My oldest has one more year of high school I meant my youngest.
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The living situation is temporary...all but the youngest will be gone within a few months.
How would we handle a wedding in plan B?
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The living situation is temporary...all but the youngest will be gone within a few months.
How would we handle a wedding in plan B? You don't need to be in an airtight Plan B in your situation so you should be able to manage that just fine.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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