Our marriage of 16 years (3 kids 5/7/9) is struggling and although there have been times I as the husband have wanted to leave I never threatened or seriously considered it, but my wife is at the point where she is threatening it. MB is not something she is looking at or showing interest at the moment. She is what one would acting ambivalent at the moment and seems what looks like emotionally checked out.

What I am charged with is doing Plan A.

You can look at following post if you want all the nitty gritty details of struggles (and there is a lot), but for this question I don't think it matters the details.:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2804140#Post2804140

So my questions goes to those who have been either doing Plan A and it led to recovery of marriage or those who were the recipient of Plan A and how it drew you back into the marriage and what specific actions did this. I genuinely want to do all the loving things that will bring about change in my marriage with Plan A.

1) So if you were the person doing Plan A and it helped recover your marriage can you please share as much detail on all the things you did during Plan A. I am looking for ideas or anything that will help me make all the best choices during Plan A. Also things like how did you handle when the spouse seemed very resistant or did not reciprocate? Or how long it took for you to see change? What mistakes did you make?

2) So if you were the person receiving Plan A and it helped recover your marriage can you please share from your point of view what Plan A really helped facilitate in your heart? How did you receive Plan A at first... especially if you were emotionally checked out? Did it tick you off at first... what was the turning point for you? Anything you can share that may help someone properly facilitate Plan A.

3) And just those of you who regularly post here and may not have had to Plan A or received it... share your ideas as well.

Admin / Moderator... if this really needed to stay with my original thread then feel free to move it. I just felt it would be a good stand alone question dealing with Plan A.

I am currently executing a form of Plan A. (There's no exposure because I don't have "evidence that would convince a jury" yet - all my evidence is from three years ago and is "stale".)

I'm currently reading Love Busters. I read Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. ***EDIT*

My wife has accused me of being emotionally abusive - and I didn't see myself in that light until I read Love Busters and realization hit me. So, I'm working hard to avoid the busters and encourage love to develop.

My wife won't share her emotional needs, so I'm trying to hit the most likely candidates. I've also read the book about Love Languages and I'm doing everything I can to speak love to her in every love language.

At this point, my only gauge on whether it's effective is all negative - the more I seem to affect her, the more she withdraws from me and avoids me. When we seem to connect on an emotional level, her reaction is to withdraw.

She won't tell me that she loves me. She complains about flowers or gifts (I'm "wasting money"). She gives an occasional hug and lets me snuggle her at night until we fall asleep - but she refuses to hold hands, touch feet together, no kissing. She also doesn't respond to any of the snuggling, she just lays there.

She offers sex occasionally, but it's perfunctory and unemotional. I know we're going to have it because she comes into the bedroom, locks the door, strips down and lays next to me. She won't kiss, she "endures" caresses and she complains if I spend too much time caressing - she just wants to hit a climax and be done.

Our anniversary a couple days ago was horrific. We even did some fun and interesting things - but the overall tone and attitude of the "date" was a wet blanket.

So, my course of action is to show her that I love her, that I will always love her, that even when she is treating me badly, I still love her. I avoid the love busters, I speak the love languages, I am as perfect a husband as I can be.

I'm hoping at some point that she wakes up and realizes that she's denying herself in her attempt to deny me.

And lots of prayer.

My wife does not recognize MB as of yet either, so I have to guess as to her top ENs. When she is further into conflict or in withdrawal, it is harder to hit the intimate needs, so I focus on conversation, admiration, domestic support, and family commitment.

She will often criticize how I contribute, or downplay my admiration of her, but if I remain conscious of not commiting love busters for an extended period, she opens up to me meeting the intimate needs.

I thankfully found this site before it was too late, so it only took about 30 days of Plan A for her to fall back in love. Our issue is once we are back in love, I commit love busters again until she is back in the state of conflict or withdrawal.

Notice how you dismissed her complaint, but it turns out there was actually something to it?

This is why there are a lot of men who's wives have checked out of their marriages.

Not to derail the thread too much, but I had really high standards of how the house needed to be kept up. I figured if she's not working, home all the time, she can easily maintain that standard. We have seven kids. They actively work against her all the time. Then, when I would come home and make a comment about the house - instead of rolling up my sleeves and helping her - she would withdraw a little more. And it got worse. And worse.

I suggested that we hire a maid to help out once a month or twice a month or once a week - and that made it even worse because she felt I was saying, "You can't handle your responsibilities."

Lately, it's getting better - because we're both focused on it. Also, she hired a maid (I find it amusing how hiring the maid was "her idea" and has become a rallying cry of her "ability to make decisions and spend money independently" - yet I've been the one suggesting it for over a decade.)

I didn't realize that my pushing and prodding for a cleaner house was emotionally abusive. Reading Love Busters opened my eyes to that.

Then I started looking at how my selfish demands and disrespectful judgments could erupt into angry outbursts - and that was assaulting her on a daily basis.

It's not an excuse to say that I never knew - it's an admission that *now* I know. And *now* I can make changes to my behavior.

That's how the POJA works - never expect your spouse to do anything they are not enthusiastic about.

So Drop... what are some "specific" things you did in Plan A? How did those things you mentioned above play out in action?

I can definitely agree with this...

I just wish my wife had been telling me. The things that bother her don't come out until she is really angry... and in this case when she threatens to walk out starting back in January... and even then she only told part of what it was. It was not until this past week did the heart of the matter come out for her... but she stuffed it so long. For me... I never stuffed anything... but I was letting it out in Demand / Disrespectful Judgements / Anger. And I didn't know I was doing that until I read Love Busters. Both have issues we have to deal with.

It is amazing how as a man I didn't even see the Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, and Angry Outbursts until I read Love Busters.

Conversation: I listened to her. I talked about things that interested both of us without being distracted by the TV or my phone. I listened to what she had to say without lecturing her back or trying to be right.

Admiration: Her conversion to a SAHM made her feel inferior, along with my independent behavior and criticisms she felt worthless at times. I told her how proud of her I was for being a great mom and step-mom. I complimented her cooking and her persistence at school.

Domestic support: I picked up after myself, clean cat litter, did laundry, fixed things she was asking for, without being asked. I also started doing things as soon as she asked.

Family commitment: Didn't let independent behaviors get in the way of ignoring the kids.

One interesting article I read in The Art of Manliness blog discussed the author's decision to hand write a note to his wife every week, for an entire year. In the notes, he focused on intimate, personal thoughts that would touch her. This is something that I have recently begun with my wife, and while I don't plan on strictly adhering to a one note per week schedule, I do write her notes from the heart more often, and she cherishes them.

**EDIT**

When I get hurt - which leads to anger - and my Taker jumping up and down on my last remaining nerve of calmness - I have started deep breathing, closing my eyes and repeating over and over:

There is no anger.
I love her.
There is no hurt.
I love her.
She is wounded and reacting.
I love her.
She needs me to love her.
...and I love her.

Sometimes it doesn't work and I need to leave the house and call a friend who keeps reminding me to be a strong man and not to give in to my weakness and emotional response.

**EDIT**

I like the love notes idea. I do like to write and I use to do this years ago. As well as to my daughter. I think I will now re-kindle that part of me.

For a while I was chanting...

Do Not Demand!
Do Not be disrespectful!
and Do not get angry.

It's only been almost 2 months, but I am doing very well... but other issues were still pushing wife away. So I keep those three chants going, but focus on not letting my fears (insecurities) get the best of me in my requests.

**EDIT**

Please refrain from discussing non-MB resources and concepts on this thread.

Sorry about that... forgot that book mentioned was not by MB.

**EDIT**

Hosea,

How much were you charged for your membership on MB? How many books were you required to buy? How many coaching sessions were you required to attend?

And finally, what about your Personal session on the radio show? How much was that?

Sooo RUDE & ungrateful!!

Please familiarize yourself with the TOS of this forum. Please keep in mind that the ultimate purpose of this forum is to discuss and learn Marriage Builders concepts.

Posting here is a privilege and you should respect the wishes of the founder of the site, Dr Harley.

Thanks for the replies so far...

I look forward to other folks sharing in regards to Plan A and my questions.

Thanks!

I wanted to come back to this post and see if we could get more responses. My original questions are below:


Thanks!