This is MY story� My husband and I have been incredibly happily married for 10 years (together 11). Lots of satisfying sex. Seriously, never a problem. Lots of fun times and a wonderful life together. I KNOW I met his emotional AND sexual needs and he agrees. Then a woman from his past moved 3 blocks away from us. She�d had a hard life and had just lost her husband to cancer. She herself was recovering from anal cancer and had to endure a colostomy bag. She was on disability, taking care of her sick elderly mother, raising her nieces 2 preteen kids and was extremely obese (over 300 lbs). My husband admitted that they had fooled around they were both in their teens, but he�d been a horrible alcoholic and never remembered having sex with her�only waking up next to her on a few occasions. I watched her walk past our house for nearly a year, ignoring my husbands suggestion to go walking with her for health purposes. I am thin, but needed to move more as heart disease runs in my family. When I did give in, my husband made a track in our pasture so that she and I could avoid traffic and walk safely. She came to walk with me daily for over a year. Shortly after she began frequenting our home, my husband began complaining of fatigue and back pain. This caused a considerable decline in our sexual relationship. Since he is in his 50's and had a previous back injury, I didn�t think too much of it. Then, about a year later, he began finding fault with me and became argumentative. I asked why he was acting so different, but he had no answer. Well, one morning he asked me to teach him how to forward a YouTube video to his brother�s messages and BAM! I found a text between her and him. It said enough that I printed out the latest phone record. Just that month alone, there were 3,000 texts! I looked back in the records and discovered a 15 month long affair with over 43,000 texts, 2,000 phone calls (sometimes 9 calls a day) and 80 pictures! I was devastated. I heard the �We�re just friends� line from BOTH of them, but I found out otherwise. Seems this is the same woman he committed adultery with while he was married to his first wife 37 years ago. He also had sex with her behind several of his girlfriends backs. My husband has been sober for 25 years! He did this SOBER! They BOTH swear there was no sex this time because of me! However, he begged her for it constantly and asked her to come to the house when I wasn�t home. This sober man sent her pictures of his penis!! She has told me that she loves him and wishes they could be together, but he says he�s never loved her and loves me. As far as I can tell, they stopped contact one year ago, the day after they got caught. My world has been shattered. They told me it was just a game. He says he only wanted her to THINK he wanted her. Says he felt sorry for her. Then he tells me, when he brought up the subject of having an affair, she said �NO�, which made him very mad and, he says, made him try even harder to get her to say yes. I think it�s a bunch of lies! He says he can�t remember most of it and cannot come up with any reason why he did it, other than he just wanted to. He started the whole mess! He can only say he just wanted to mess with her head. I do not understand! We live in a very small town and if you asked anyone who he�d ever mess around on me with�they ALL say her! What does this mean? He�s free to go, but he says he doesn�t want her and nothing they did was important to him. What? They never missed one day of communication in those 15 months. Every morning he texted her, �Good morning Sweetheart� and every night, �Goodnight, babe, sweet dreams�. He texted her while he and I were out on dates! He began to feel out his family by mentioning her to them. He even invited her to family functions where we'd all sit together! She's told me she thinks it was just an "ego" thing for him and if they would have slept together, it would have only been once. What? I think she meant something to him and still does! I don�t think I�ll ever heal from this! Why would a happily (he was!) married man let his past bring him down? Why would he cheat on most all his relationships with the SAME woman throughout his entire life? Why? I can't get past thinking they are lying about not having sex...I mean, come on, 15 months of begging? I'm considering a polygraph test, to which he's agreed. What do you think? Why did he do this?

The question why he had the affair is actually pretty simple to answer. People are wired to have affairs. Affairs are addictive, and your husband is an addict. He is addicted to having this OW around to meet some of his emotional needs.

The better question for you is what to do about it. If your marriage is to survive this, the conditions that make this affair possible are going to have to be eliminated. The OW didn't just happen to move a few blocks away by coincidence. This is a very entrenched affair. First, you need to expose the affair to everyone who has influence over your husband and his OW. Have you done this?

SMT,

Welcome to Marriage Builders! It's a shame you have the need to be here but you have found the very best place to resolve your marital problems and rebuild your marriage. That is,, IF you decide you want to do so! The choice is yours and we will guide & support your decision either way.

Please start by reading the top thread at the top of this forum-- Please Start Here That thread will give you a head start on the advice and suggestions you are about to receive and help you understand the reasoning behind some of the advice.

Some questions for you---

Do you have children? How many & how old?

Is your H still drinking?

Is the OW currently in a relationship?

Who all have you told about this affair?

Do not tell your H yet about this site & the forum. We are going to be giving you suggestions & plans to help you recover and we don't want him forwarned. Also, gather your evidence of the affair, print out those texts and phone records and save them. You may need them in the future.

SMT, stick with us. We've been where you are & know your pain & stress. You'll make it through this,,,promise!!

Because your WH has been an adulterer basically his whole life, you need to set the bar extra high before you even consider attempting recovery.

Do you still live next to this OW? When do you plan on exposing?

Hello, I'm so sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Have you been dealing with this misery on your own for a year already?

Welcome - do take care of yourself and try to eat and sleep.

I'm sorry to tell you there has been sex. That is the most unbelieveable lie and they actually think it mitigates things.

Be prepared for a trickle - a drip, drip, drip of the truth.

I'd most certainly recommend a poly but your first step is exposure - do you know how do do it?

His, her and your close friends and relatives should find out on the same day using the template letters we have here.

Hugs.

Thank you for being here. I have no family and a few friends that do know are tired of hearing me. There are no children of this union, but he has 5 grown and I have 2 grown, although my youngest is staying with us as he finishes up junior college. My husband had been completely sober for 25 21/2 years now. He and his affair partner both refuse to believe they really did anything wrong. This infuriates me! He says he wasn't trying to hide anything from me, yet told her he would be deleting phone records so that I wouldn't see them. He told her he was a good lier and wouldn't get caught. Not hiding? There was a HUGE escalation during their last 3 months of contact. I found out that her niece had found out and had threatened to expose them. He says neither of them was ever worried about getting caught. I'm so confused! I need actual truthful answered! He says he is sorry and wants to move forward, but, without information, I can't trust and am very stuck! I tried getting the texts records from the phone company but was told by 2 different attorneys that it wasn't possible. Those texts are exactly what I need to make a decision as to what to do, since neither of them will come out of denial and be honest with me. What can I do? I am suffering so bad! I caught them both lying to me about the penis picture. He swore on his grandson's life he didn't send it...but he did! He lies! She constantly fed his ego. She told him she wished he had been good to her all these years and how I was a lucky woman. I strongly suspect they mentioned killing me for the insurance money, but need the texts to prove it. What's so difficult is that we had NO problems before this... NONE! This is the only thing that has ever gone wrong in our 11 years. All 3 of us believe he wouldn't have done this with anyone but her. Why? The other woman was dating a man whilst messing with my husband, but he passed away a few months ago. That makes 3 boyfriends and a husband that have all died on her. Also, while she was married for 20 years, she lived in a different state but moved back when her husband got sick. The only house available for rent in this small town was the one down the street. This is my husbands home town and she has roots here from a long time ago.

Please, how do I expose?

Yes, she still lives down the street and she has been very invisible...in hiding.

Have you read this? Exposure 101

Have you called the phone companies? Also, if you choose to work on recovery you could have him take a polygraph.

Do you want to stay in this marriage?

Focus on exposure So, regardless of next steps; you need support and they need accountability.

4 guys have died on her watch??????? I would get out of there asap, even if I had to move in with family for a while. Maybe she just has really bad luck, but there's also a chance you're in danger. Your life is too precious to risk.