Wow... Where to begin??? I have been married 7.5yrs & have 2 kids: Our son is nearly 4yrs old & our daughter is 16mos old. About a month ago, my wife told me she wanted a separation. She said it was the only way to save our marriage. Needless to say, this came as an ABSOLUTE shock to me. I knew we had been having problems, but 1) I didn't think they were this bad. 2) I thought we were making headway. Without going into too much detail, I moved out. I am against the separation & didn't want to move out, but she said if 1 of us didn't move out, she would immediately file for divorce. And I wasn't going to have my wife & kids live in a tiny apartment, while I lived in our house. So, I moved into a basement apartment 10mins away. We made a separation agreement & are seeking marital counseling. I have read His Needs, Her Needs & Gottman's 7 Principles to Making Marriage Work. I'm currently reading One More Try by Gary Chapman. As part of our counseling, we took the 5 Love Languages quiz. We both had personal touch as our primary love language, yet she has told me she is not comfortable with me touching her at all, in any way: No kissing, hugging, back rubbing, hand holding, or anything. She says she only feels for me like she would a male coworker. She says we need to start over, as friends to rebuild our relationship. I utterly heartbroken. I feel so rejected. I have never been so lonely & depressed. I have no idea how to rebuild my marriage. She has no positive memories of our life together, as Gottman calls it, negative sentiment override. At this point, everything I do is wrong. She says I disrespect her. I don't meet her needs. I don't listen to her. I don't compromise. We also did the His Needs, Her Needs questionnaire. Her # 1 need was openness & honesty, which she says I am not. She says I lie through omission. She was appalled that I ranked openness & honesty as # 9, while ranking physical attractiveness as # 5. I am trying to be more open & honest with her, but I never really felt like I wasn't. I don't really know where to start with the reconciliation process. She has essentially given us 6mos. In 6mos, I need to make some drastic changes or else. She won't even say her goal is to reconcile, just to be a better person. She says we've walked this path before. That I make short term changes that hold for a month or 2, then I revert back to my old ways. So, I believe she is waiting to see if I will sustain changes beyond the 2 month mark, then she'll engage in the reconciliation process as an active participant. Like I've said, it's really, really hard to not be righteously indignant or just plain old angry at her. She told me she knows this is destroying me, but she insists on doing it.

What does she say you lie about? Can you give us some examples?

What were these big problems in the marriage?

Is she having an affair?

This rewriting of history, plus the 'male coworker' comment sounds an awful lot like an affair.

She says I lie through omission, meaning I don't tell her absolutely every detail, about everything. She says she has to ask me very specific & pointed questions to get me to reveal the details she's looking for. Most times, its that I simply forget b/c I consider such details as inconsequential or important. But, apparently they are important to her.

Her stated big problems:
1) I do not meet her needs: To use His Needs, Her Needs to classify: Openness & Honesty, Intimate Conversation, Affection, Family Commitment, Domestic Support
2) I do not validate her feelings / emotions.
3) I am angry & irritable.
4) I do not participate in the marriage / family, I'm just there.
5) I am resentful toward her & I do not share power (accept her influence, as per Gottman's 7 Principles to Making Marriage Work)

I don't think she's having an affair. I have asked & she says no. I know that's not a guarantee, but I don't think she is.

I don't think she's having an affair. But, I don't know for sure. In our separation agreement, we agreed to no date others or engage in relationship building with the opposite sex.

FI,

Welcome to MB!

Sorry about the separation.

Have you seen this article?
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html

Have you looked? Look at her phone, email, social media accounts?

Why don't you look and rule out an affair? If someone is having an affair do you think they will tell you or ask for a separation so they can make room for their affair partners?

Dr. Harley does not support separation unless there is a danger to the health and welfare of a spouse or children.

At this point, you should snoop (hire a PI if needed) and make plans to move back into your home.

Has this document been filed in the Courts?
Or is this a counselor facilitated document?

Exactly. Move back home. Do your detective work to get evidence. Report back here before you confront WW.

When I was going through this, I went on an unhealthy binge. However, at the end of this, I was able to objectively look at my life, my problems, and fix them. I'd suggest that you go on a hiatus, away from her for a few weeks, then come back and re-evaluate.

No.

Dr. Harley does NOT recommend the husband moving out or going on a marital hiatus.

He needs to snoop to find out the extent of the affair, expose and continue to Plan A.

LTL