Well, maybe it's not so unusual, but I haven't found much on this scenario. My husband had an affair, with a guy. This has added an additional element to my scenario. It also has greatly limited my ability to talk it over with anyone. I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me and I can't breathe. I have all the normal after d-day feelings plus all the "is he gay" issues. I feel like my world is falling apart and I am trying so hard to keep it together for the kids. Anyone out there that has been through this?

Hi Dazed, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. We have many homosexual affairs on the forum and they are actually easier to break up than heterosexual affairs. You would take the exact same steps in busting up his affair.

Has your husband ended his affair? Has he ended all contact with the OM? Has the affair been exposed?

Melody, Thanks for the response. I am sure I am not the only one this has happened to. My WS started a friendship with a gay male. The OM was in a committed relationship and my WS seemed to enjoy his friendship. I started to notice that they seemed a bit too close, but thought it was my imagination, so I let it go. I got an anonymous email from someone (I still don't know who)letting me know my WS was having an affair and had been doing so for a while. They didn't say she, so I suspected it could be a he. I confronted him the same night, he didn't deny it. He apologized, but wouldn't say who. I let it go that night, but really pushed it the next night and then I just knew. I asked point blank and he admitted it. I told him they had to have no contact. The worst part is that the OM and his significant other had been integrated into our lives. They hung out with our family, my KIDS. My son adores this guy. How do I explain why he isn't around anymore? It's so wrong to do things like that to kids. And for the OM to sit in my home and act like nothing was going on...and my WS?

So, yes, it's out in the open. I am not sure what if any contact is still going on. I did tell the OM's significant other because I felt obligated to do so. No one deserves to be in the dark about their partner's infidelity.

One of the first steps in recovery from an affair is exposing the affair. That means your family, children and close friends should be told. The reason is to gain support for your family and so that people can hold your husband accountable. The conditions that led to the affair need be eliminated, and in this case it sounds like it was male friendships. Does your husband go out without you? Have an independent leisure lifestyle? If so, that needs to be eliminated.


Part of recovery is making sure there is no contact going on. His life should be so transparent that it would be impossible to conduct an affair. Here are the steps outlined in Surviving an Affair:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

You would expose to the children the full truth using neutral language.

This guy is an enemy to their family and they deserve to know that and why they should speak up if he is seen nearby or with their father.

Please read. Exposing to Children