My wife and I had always been very close and loving. We were best friends before we were husband and wife.

About 2 years ago, I began to have a lack of sexual desire, I was in denial about the whole thing and was hoping it would come back some day. Meanwhile my wife thought I no longer desired her in that way any more.

In May she said she wanted that theesome with another guy, we had always fantasized about. So we did it in the first week of June 2014. It was really painfull for me to watch and not be able to participate due to my ED(Erectile Dysfunction). I was in her face the whole time he was having sex with her, kissing her and trying to make her feel like it was me; which she said she loved. I was happy to see her satisfied after such a long time of not being able to satisfy her.

About a week after that I notice and email account registered on one of my laptop that I did not recognize. I login to the account to find pictures of my wife and the guy we had a threesome with in a bed at a hotel dating back to Feb 2nd 2014. Four Months earlier!!!

I confronted her and she admitted the affair. She claims it was just for sex/satisfaction and wanted to feel desired again. She said she doesn't love, nor is interesed in the other guy. She saids that when she found out that I still had desires for her, but was staying away from her because I couldn't get an erection, she felt really bad and like [censored] for cheating on me. She was really angry with me and herself. Herself for not recognizing the signs, she had given me oral sex a few times where I orgasmed without getting hard at all. Angry with me for not saying something to her about it.

Two months have gone by since I found out. The concept of her and who she was has drastically changed in my mind. I don't even see her the same way. I love her, but I'm not IN LOVE with her at the moment. She saids that I'm the love of her life and she is willing to do whatever it takes and be patient with me until my feelings to return for her.

My therapist is telling me to wait it out, that since my marriage was so good, functional, and solid before this happened, it warrants giving it some time; because making drastic decisions will affect the children. Now I'm stuck with living with the pain of this whole situation in a home with a woman who I feel nothing for(at the moment) but adores me even more now she tells me. She tells me that she never thought we would ever be together again this way. That her love for me is stronger than ever before. I'm desperate to feel something for her again. She goes on with her life as if nothing happened. I'm falling apart, losing sleep, crying myself to sleep, desperate for a way out of all this pain. I can barely funcion at work. I have to go home and kiss my wife and kids every day like nothing is wrong.

HELP!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!! What the am I supposed to do??? Where do I go from here? DO I give it time? SHould I just cut my losses? Finding someone that loves you and cares for you is very hard to find. I'm 44, should I risk it? Would it be worse to stay with someone I love, but am not IN LOVE?

The solution to falling out of love is to fall back in love. "Waiting it out" will not cause you fall back in love. It is not something that happens by magic fairy dust but by implementing specific behaviors in your marriage.

Has she ended all contact with the OM?

Frank,

Is the OM married, or does he have a girl friend, if so you need to expose NOW! In spite of your participation in this disaster you need to destroy all possibility of OM EVER contacting your W.

Do not warn or threaten that you are going to expose OM, don't even tell your W.

God Bless
Gamma

Get the book, Surviving an Affair and follow the program in there. Here is a checklist from the book that should be followed after an affair. Have you seen your doctor about the ED?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

The OM is not married, and she has ended all contact with him, howeverthe OM is the brother of one of her best friends. She has ended contact with her best friend who is probably wondering what happended.

Please elaborate on those specific behaviors.

If you once loved your wife you can fall in love again and stay in love. Dr. Harley has written many books on the subject and those who follow his plan have reentered into blissfull marriages.

But first you must deal with affair. Most of the time when a woman has an affair they shut themselves off emotionally to their husbands. Yours is not doing that. But that doesn't mean she isn't still carrying on a physical affair with the guy you had a threesome with. And often physical affairs turn emotional.

Read Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley. Your wife needs to end contact for life with this other man, and she has to radically change her lifestyle, which is a mortal threat to your marriage. You need to track her behavior and spy on her. She cannot be trusted. She must give you just compensation by agreeing to have no opposite sex friendships, no passwords on her computers or cell phones, end her independent behavior, and be willing to give you full accountability of her every minute. Her affair also must be exposed to friends, family of yours, hers, and the other man. This is important because it kills the affair for life, and it holds her accountable, preventing a future episode. You both need to read surviving an affair together and implement the plans prescribed in the book.

Do you watch porn? If yes, this could be a part of your problem. Have you seen a doctor for the ED?

Frank, these behaviors are described in the articles written by Dr. Harley on this site. Read all of the articles he posts on the homepage. They are illuminating to those in troubled marriages. But you should also get a copy of Surviving an Affair and read it too.

I used porn sparingly every once in a while to try to excite myself to orgasm with a limp penis. I'm definitely not a fan nor an avid porn watcher.

I'm seeing doctor for ED and he's pumping me up full of steroids, testosterone and other stuff. Some mixes didn't work, so he's gonna switch me to some other stuff to see if it works better for me.

Falling back in love is easy. Your bigger problem is the distorted model of relationships that you have. You think a threesome is OK for your marriage? There is probably no more certain way to prove to your wife that you don't care about her than to be willing to share her with others.

You need to learn how to really care for your wife. Start by being less wrapped up in yourself. Solutions to sexual problems need to be sought as a couple. There are many ways to address ED that won't destroy your marriage in the process.