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I have read so many things on this site ... and unfortunately I can't remember exactly where Dr Harley mentions something like this:
'The people in the affair continually need the high and it continually requires more and more time and eventually the affair will collapse' or something close to that.
In your experience, what is the final straw that helps it collapse?
How did you finally find out about the relationship?
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In your experience, what is the final straw that helps it collapse? Reality.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
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I have read so many things on this site ... and unfortunately I can't remember exactly where Dr Harley mentions something like this:
'The people in the affair continually need the high and it continually requires more and more time and eventually the affair will collapse' or something close to that.
In your experience, what is the final straw that helps it collapse?
How did you finally find out about the relationship? Exposure is a huge factor that will help it collapse. Are you the betrayed spouse?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I have been the BS --- it took years to recover. And certainly not without a ton of help from this site and the books.
The OMW was suspecting and had some evidence, but never discussed with me, nor gave me any hints. Many times through the recovery process I was hung up on that ... that if someone had known, or even suspected, why would they not have said anything? Took me a long time to make peace that I would never have the answer.
I am aware of an affair now between two friends and find myself in a quandary. Part of me wants to forget that I know, stay out of it and move along. The other part of me remembers how crazy I thought I was back then, and would have been so appreciative of someone telling me of their suspicions.
What would YOU do given all that you're going through?
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Actually, WF, since I did go through the horrible ordeal of an affair, I now, more than ever, would let the unsuspecting BS know what I know. Even if it is just a suspicion, letting the BS in on it means they can do the snooping to discover the facts for themselves.
Before I was a BS myself, I would have leaned more in the direction of "not getting involved" with telling a BS what I knew.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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I have been the BS --- it took years to recover. And certainly not without a ton of help from this site and the books.
The OMW was suspecting and had some evidence, but never discussed with me, nor gave me any hints. Many times through the recovery process I was hung up on that ... that if someone had known, or even suspected, why would they not have said anything? Took me a long time to make peace that I would never have the answer.
I am aware of an affair now between two friends and find myself in a quandary. Part of me wants to forget that I know, stay out of it and move along. The other part of me remembers how crazy I thought I was back then, and would have been so appreciative of someone telling me of their suspicions.
What would YOU do given all that you're going through? I have been in this situation multiple times. One was a coworker who was cheating on his wife. I let her know. Another time was a WH. I let the BW know. I did not know either of them. The BW and I are friends and she thanks me all the time because he was bringing strippers into their home.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Did you expose anonymously? Or directly?
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Threads combined. Please stick to one thread in future.
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Did you expose anonymously? Or directly? I have had to do this a couple of times myself and it is not fun. But it is the right thing to do. I would NEVER expose anonymously because that makes the problem 10x worse. The WS just dismisses it as some "crackpot" and then the BS has nothing to stand on.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Not that it has too much to do with this thread but don't know exactly where it belongs...
When does the AFFAIR become a RELATIONSHIP?
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Not that it has too much to do with this thread but don't know exactly where it belongs...
When does the AFFAIR become a RELATIONSHIP? An affair is a relationship. Here is the definition of the word relationship: re�la�tion�ship [ri-ley-shuhn-ship] Show IPA noun 1. a connection, association, or involvement. 2. connection between persons by blood or marriage. 3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students. 4. a sexual involvement; affair.
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Not that it has too much to do with this thread but don't know exactly where it belongs...
When does the AFFAIR become a RELATIONSHIP? They actually resist the affair changing into anything else at all costs. For example, a BS will say: "I never want to speak to you again; go away with your ho" and the WS will break his neck trying to insert the BS back into the triangle as a 'friend'. This happens even when APs marry. The OW/OM does it too - constantly taking pot shots at the BS and keeping the competition alive. If the BS successfully keeps out of their way they get bored fast.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I can only speak from my own experience of course ... but I think it turns into a 'relationship' when the intense fire of the affair burns out for the first time. In my first thread that was combined into this one, i was asking the question of when does the affair collapse?
I think the affair collapses when the WS simply can't handle the extreme double life ... but if they try to end it when the novelty wears off or the time commitment and sneaking become too much they realize they can't. The addiction is too strong. Then it becomes much more dangerous because 'real relationship' communication starts to happen between the partners on what to do about it. Then the vicious cycle starts over again but more intensely.
My ramble for the day.
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I can only speak from my own experience of course ... but I think it turns into a 'relationship' when the intense fire of the affair burns out for the first time. In my first thread that was combined into this one, i was asking the question of when does the affair collapse?
I think the affair collapses when the WS simply can't handle the extreme double life ... but if they try to end it when the novelty wears off or the time commitment and sneaking become too much they realize they can't. The addiction is too strong. Then it becomes much more dangerous because 'real relationship' communication starts to happen between the partners on what to do about it. Then the vicious cycle starts over again but more intensely.
My ramble for the day. Well, an affair is a relationship. That is the meaning of the word in almost all dictionaries. I don't understand what the point of this thread is; we have to use clear language in communication which is why we have dictionaries.
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Not that it has too much to do with this thread but don't know exactly where it belongs...
When does the AFFAIR become a RELATIONSHIP?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Well let me get back to my original problem, I've had a few days to think about this.
- I have concrete evidence of an affair between co-workers
- Exposing this affair to the WS wife would cost me my job
- I'm not going to expose on that reason alone, because truthfully I'm not going to screw up my family because of these people
- As a former BS, I would have appreciated someone telling me
So my only option is to expose anonymously or bury my head in the sand
Has anyone had success exposing anonymously? (I ask this knowing there's a million reasons not to)
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Well let me get back to my original problem, I've had a few days to think about this.
- I have concrete evidence of an affair between co-workers
- Exposing this affair to the WS wife would cost me my job
- I'm not going to expose on that reason alone, because truthfully I'm not going to screw up my family because of these people
- As a former BS, I would have appreciated someone telling me
So my only option is to expose anonymously or bury my head in the sand
Has anyone had success exposing anonymously? (I ask this knowing there's a million reasons not to) Why would you lose your job?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Well let me get back to my original problem, I've had a few days to think about this.
- I have concrete evidence of an affair between co-workers
- Exposing this affair to the WS wife would cost me my job
- I'm not going to expose on that reason alone, because truthfully I'm not going to screw up my family because of these people
- As a former BS, I would have appreciated someone telling me
So my only option is to expose anonymously or bury my head in the sand
Has anyone had success exposing anonymously? (I ask this knowing there's a million reasons not to) If you have to expose anonymously, I would find a way to get the evidence to the BS. Make sure she has something to fall back on. Perhaps you could get her the evidence from a fake email account and be there to answer her questions. Another way might be to get an out of town friend to do it for you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well let me get back to my original problem, I've had a few days to think about this.
- I have concrete evidence of an affair between co-workers
- Exposing this affair to the WS wife would cost me my job
- I'm not going to expose on that reason alone, because truthfully I'm not going to screw up my family because of these people
- As a former BS, I would have appreciated someone telling me
So my only option is to expose anonymously or bury my head in the sand
Has anyone had success exposing anonymously? (I ask this knowing there's a million reasons not to) Do you have evidence you could use in exposing? If you have evidence, I would post it on www.cheaterville.com and then send a link from Cheaterville (this is a feature they offer) to the betrayed spouse and friends. But have the evidence there.
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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