My wife asked for a divorce in early June. Of course, like everyone, I was completely shocked by this. We had been focusing hard on our kids (10 and 7) and spent less and less time together 1:1 but I assumed that was normal. She cited a few issues, specifically that I was not present when I was home, I did not seem to want to be with her, I was not showing her affection and I had anger/control issues.

Much of what she said was correct, although it had not been my intention. I love my wife but had not been showing that. Since that, I have changed myself radically. It has gotten to the point that my wife has said she is married to a stranger. She points at me and says "who is this fun guy?". My kids have noticed it to and actually come to me with all of their issues because relative to their mom, I am the cool and calm one now.

Things were going great but I did notice my wife spending a lot of time on her phone. She had bought a new phone and I did not know the code. One morning, I figured out what it was and tried it. I opened her phone to see a text from a person that was pretty explicit. She was traveling for work and he was gong to spend the night every night and "own your a%%"? I confronted my wife, who lied, telling one story that about it being a co-worker who was joking. I did some more snooping and discovered some trips that she told me she did for work but never actually did. Lots of lies and deceit.

I confronted my wife this past weekend and told her to stop lying to me. She put it back on me, saying that I was controlling and it was this behavior (getting mad at her, not believing her, breaking into her phone) that are why she wants to leave me. She later told me it was her ex boyfriend from college and that they are just friends. They meet up when she travels and they comfort each other. He is married with kids and struggles balancing it all. I know that is BS but I don't want to push it.

Here is my question (sorry for the long backstory)...do I go plan B on her or do I continue Plan A, being nice, pleasant and acting as if. I spoke with my wife at length last night (not a plan B tactic) and we discussed her issues with me. The big issues are (1) i have a bad temper and can be controlling; (2) she does not like that I have changed myself only after she asked for a divorce...I should have wanted to change on my own; and (3) I did not show her the affection that she wanted...basically, I took her for granted.

All great feedback.

I have been working on myself and am seeing a therapist starting Friday. My only "angry" outburst was when I confronted my wife about the affair. Outside of that, I am living a great life full of love for everyone. When I show my good side, I see our relationship improving and her walls softening. But, she still has not admitted to the affair. We really cannot mend our marriage until that ends.

Advice?

Hi Bushido, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are doing a lot of the right things, but you are ignoring the biggest problem in your marriage. If the affair is not addressed, you won't have a marriage left. The biggest problem in your marriage is the affair. You won't have any hope of saving your marriage if you don't kill it off.

A much more strategic approach is in order. Stop asking and stop accusing and QUIETLY get the evidence. Hire a PI if you can. A good PI is well worth the money because they can usually get the evidence in a couple of days. If you can't do that, then install a keylogger on her laptop, spyware on her phone and a VAR in her car. Find out who the OM is and get as much information about him as possible.

When you get that information come back here and we will give you next steps. In the meantime, I would get the book Survivng an Affair and read it as fast as you can. It will help you understand the advice you will get here.

As far as angry outbursts, a better resource for that is anger management that focuses on relaxation techniques. Dr. Harley's book, Lovebusters, also has a chapter on angry outburst.

Your wife is acting/saying exactly like someone in an affair. Of course she denies it, you don't have the goods yet.

Your plan is simple for now:
1. Keep Plan A'ing, no control or anger, be calm, cool and like James Bond
2. Snoop like your life depends on it, don't let her know what you are doing.
3. Listen to the Veterans on here like Melody


Read up on exposure, that is the next step.
Don't expose until you check in here and review your plan with the vets.(it has to be wide spread, fast, and devestating)

You have stepped into the hardest thing you will ever go through in your life, be prepared, take care of yourself.

Thanks for the advice. Do I have 100%, sure thing, evidence? No. But the text I read was very explicit and she has been lying to me about where she has been. And I know that our marriage cannot recover without her ending this affair. So for now, I will plan A. Without hiring a PI, I am not sure how I will get this evidence.

What do I know:
- she has a phone on which I read an explicit text after I broke into it
- she has since changed the passcode
- she has a new credit card, of which I had no knowledge
- she has lied about her wear abouts on at least two occasions. once, she said she was in London for work but I checked her passport and she has no stamp from London. The other was a girl's weekend but I checked with the person with whom she apparently went and she never went and knew nothing about it
- I have an Amex charge from a restaurant 1+ hr away from where she was supposed to be on the girl's weekend (and it is half way between NYC and BOS)
- She told me "her friend" is married with two kids. I checked his wife's FB page (I am not a friend with her) and there is no mention of the husband, no pictures of the husband and no pictures of kids, etc.

so how do I prove this beyond any doubt?

And do some unfaithful spouses every stop on their own? Basically, does plan A work to the point where she will see the change in me?

It should also be noted that my wife is having a MLC. She turned 40 in April, her dad died in May (very suddenly), my mom had a severe stroke two weeks later and her job is putting a lot of pressure on her. She constantly talks about the pressure in her life. She hates the burbs and does not think she fits in here. Clearly, this guy is providing an escape for her from whatever pain she is feeling.

What do you mean it was explicit? Do you have evidence?


If you don't have the evidence then you should find the money to hire a PI. It is cheaper than a divorce.


Plan A means snooping, getting evidence and killing the affair. That is how you kill the affair. If you don't bring it out into the open, your spouse will stay foggy and just move onto another affair if/when this one dies.


That is great, but none of this addresses the problem. If you can get to work and get the evidence, we can help you save your marriage. But ignoring the problem will not save your marriage; it will most likely lead to divorce.

Explicit text...it was from the other guy and she said "you make me feel like I am 21 all over again", he responded saying "he was going to own her a%% this week" and then asked which nights he could stay over...she was in NYC all week for work. she said"Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday." He then asked if he could go out that night (she was in Boston with me) and she said "of course". Clearly, they are having affair.

Of course, she explained this by saying "we are friends and I did not tell you b/c I knew you would get angry and that is why I don;t want to be married to you" and then she said "they go for runs in the morning and talk, hence his own your a&& comment" and that he has two kids and says it is hard and envies her for getting away from her kids once in a while, hence why he asked to spend the night.

If the BW's fb settings are private you won't see anything other than posts and pictures specifically set to "public."


I would keep snooping but based on what you already know and what your WW said, I would contact the BW and tell her that your spouses are having an affair. There is no woman on this planet (unless she is in an open marriage) who would not be fired up that her H was meeting up with a woman in hotel rooms...to talk about their marital struggles.

How far away does OM/BW live?


Rarely...like SUPER rarely...especially if exposure is not done. The affair may stop (for the time being) but the marriage doesn't really recover either.

Welcome to MB.

Then WW shouldn't mind when you call the BW. **cough**

You expose without warning too, Bushido. Don't tell your wife about exposure and do not tell her about MB.

So you already have the evidence. All you need to do to go forward is epxose the affair. Can you find the OM on facebook?

Affairs thrive on secrecy, so your greatest weapon in busting up the affair is exposure. Exposure is ruinous to affairs so that is where you should start. Please go read the exposure thread in my signature for best practices.

Of course, she explained this by saying "we are friends and I did not tell you b/c I knew you would get angry and that is why I don;t want to be married to you" and then she said "they go for runs in the morning and talk, hence his own your a&& comment" and that he has two kids and says it is hard and envies her for getting away from her kids once in a while, hence why he asked to spend the night. [/quote]

I agree. You have enough evidence. Now do an exposure.

You really need to expose. This level of fantasy teenage crap can survive years without it. Exposure can turn it to ash in as little as a day.

Even when it doesn't end the A, it sets you up as a strong figure fighting for his marriage in Plan A. Without exposure it's not Plan A, it's Plan Doormat-I-don't-mind-being-cheated-on-it's-fine.

If your wife were a drunk, you'd get an intervention and the people who care to help.

If you do nothing but stand to one side and arrange flowers, the addict alien who has taken over will enjoy that.

But the real wife, who is still inside, is wondering why you are not acting protectively and assertively and whether you even love her.

Women do not respect, much less love, door mats.