I just sent an email to Dr. Bill Harley via the Radio Show.

Wallflower, you don't need to email Dr Harley to ask him a question he has already answered a thousand times. That just delays necessary action. We already know the answer. He talks about it every week on the radio show, wrote about it in his book, and counsels people to do it every day. Doesn't your daughter want to save her marriage, for God's sake? Then start doing the program!

A big problem in your daughters case is that she is doing Plan C instead of Marriage Builders. I would go to your daughter and persuade her to expose TODAY. She needs to start using this program if she expects this to work.

Please stop with these endless delays and help her get on track.

I am very confused why this poster was advised to write Dr Harley to ask if she should expose when we all know the answer already. This posters daughter is looking for every reason to avoid helping herself and we have now handed her another excuse to avoid taking action. That is a major distraction at a time when we could have been helping them move this forward.

Does anyone here NOT KNOW Dr Harley's advice about exposure?

It's pretty obvious the 'Wait until I talk to Steve' line was a distraction move so she doesn't have to fess to her mother she's too scared to do it.

Even if this poster gets (predictable) exposure advice from Dr H, I don't think the daughter is going to take it. She's had Dr Harley's advice before, she's had our advice before, her mother has asked her again to expose giving her Dr H's words verbatim - and she won't.

What I meant, Melody, is there didn't seem to be a consensus on whether I should expose. It seems the jist of the recommendations on this thread said it would be better for her well-being if she took this action herself. So, I am encouraging her to expose. She said she wants to talk with Dr. S first. I will keep you updated and we can go from there...

And I would add that I know for a fact that Steve believes in exposure[since he is part of Marriage Builders] and has already recommended this for your daughter. In her case, he had recommended she do it in Plan B, but since she is not going into Plan B, there is no reason for her to delay.

Even so, I believe she is using this as an avoidance tactic because conflict avoidance has been her tactic thus far.

I really agree that she simply isn't going to do it. Everything she has done up to this point screams 'I cannot do this and I do not want to'.

The fact that he was recently grilling her about 'who knew' suggests that exposure remains a massive weak spot which will take this affair down.

See, it's not like she is saying: "I am dying to expose I wish SH would let me" (like you are). If that were the case she'd be getting him on the phone now and making sure of what he meant.

It's a classic case of the trauma-struck BS sitting frozen on the train tracks. Exposure from yourself will help enormously. Even if it is better from her, the whole point of exposure is to get a disgusted strong reaction from relatives and to put all eyes on the affairees.

I am pretty sure it's needed to. That grilling about 'who knows' from him was very recent. Very scary, that.

The other crucial objective is to get support for the BS and to let her see there is no need to be ashamed. I think she really needs that.

That's a good point, Melody. He did recommend she do it after getting him out of the house and enacting Plan B. But she may be rationalizing that the circumstances have changed, and she needs to know what to do now since they are moving toward Recovery. I know what Dr Bill says regardless and I've told her. I think the best I can do is let her mediate on it for 24 hours. She has been bombarded with stuff and I'm afraid of her completely shutting down.

This is very true. While I couldn't hear everything, I think he was manipulating the situation by stating that because she told us, it will only hurt him being able to restore these relationships; like it would be one more hurdle for them to overcome to restore their marriage. He can be very "logical," giving rational as to why this needs to remain a private matter between them. If she is accepting WH's logic, she's rationalizing that it will cause more harm than good.

And I agree, the very fact that he doesn't want people to know screams that he wants to keep this secret and on his own terms where he is in control.

Agree with the others that fear is driving DD. I am still confused on what key parties haven't been exposed to. The OW's family?


Supposedly, the BH knows, you know, DD's two sisters know, WH's mother and siblings know, the DD's children know, a third party MB friend knows...if that is the case then why don't you speak to them, WF? Supposedly they already know so you aren't exposing anything...unless DD is lying. I would operate on the premise that they all supposedly know and speak to them yourself to verify that they know of the affair vs some vague marital problems.

Who are these exposure letters being sent to?

Even if they do in truth know - it's not exposure. Exposure means people are collectively urged to support the BW and to oppose the A. Affairees don't care if individuals tut tut in isolation from each other.

I'm curious as to how the other spouse found out? Was it confession like your SiL or were they informed?

Supposedly, DD is getting support and WH is being talked to (whatever that means). In DD's thread, she said she spoke to the BH.

My point was that if all the people supposedly know, have talked to WH, offered support to DD, etc. then why shouldn't WF call or have a face-to-face (forget email) with any of these people? This makes no sense. A few phone calls can clear all this up. If there really was no exposure or some half [censored] version, the opportunity would then be there to correct that.

If I have created an issue where this Mom is waiting out for a verification or validation from Dr B Harley on the radio about exposure--I apologize. Yes, I very much understand time is of the essence. I also know how scared BS can become when it comes time to pull the trigger and expose. While this BS shrinks in the corner her WH is growing into a bigger bully minute by minute.

WF, please protect your daughter today.

Ah yes, I forgot that part. Quite right; no reason not to join the support wagon in full.

Also it is hardly likely that her DD or WH can get very upset if she exposes on OWs side either. If the A is over and he's never going to see her again it wouldn't matter to him.

Though I put money on him being steamed.

From DD's thread:

"Yes the other husband knows. My H told me and she told her BH the next day. All of their family knows. They are selling the house. She has moved into an apt. BH has moved with his parents. Not everyone in our family knows. He has been the one to tell most of his family. Our close friends know."

And then she said she spoke to BH (because a per WH/OW is a no).

I have to head out, WF. But I don't see why you don't just pick up the phone and call the inlaws, speak to your other children, etc. You are not "chained." Good luck.

In case you miss this from your Other thread.

She should NOT believe that the OWH knows about the affair. This lie burned me. She needs to tell him as if he doesn't know. Waywards lie. She personally needs to contact him and tell him. If he does know, he will tell her. Then they can work together, if possible.

This is a previous thread where I was trying to understand how "far & wide" exposure should be: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...s=wallflower&Search=true#Post2809181

I reread Exposure 101 as well. How public should exposure be?
For instance, how many are generally on your target list?
How about mutual friends (on FB)?
They have a large circle of friends, should only the closest be exposed to?

[\quote]Even if they do in truth know - it's not exposure. Exposure means people are collectively urged to support the BW and to oppose the A. Affairees don't care if individuals tut tut in isolation from each other. [/quote]

I think this is one of the key ingredients missing ^^^

Exposure should be "far and wide," as often described by Dr. Harley on his Radio Show.
You want to expose to anyone that will help hold the wayward accountable and support the marriage.

EDIT: a good starting point is to post the adulterers on www.cheaterville.com and then provide a link to that post in your exposure letters.

I would use the list I posted on my exposure thread.


I would let most of them know. More importantly, you would want to expose to the OW's facebook contacts. Start with her family, then married friends; do as many as you can.

[\quote]Even if they do in truth know - it's not exposure. Exposure means people are collectively urged to support the BW and to oppose the A. Affairees don't care if individuals tut tut in isolation from each other. [/quote]

I think this is one of the key ingredients missing ^^^


[/quote]

Exactly. Exposure means people are informed of the affair and asked for their help.