Are you and your daughter actually planning on doing this? I don't see much hope here if that is not being done.

To all of the previously noted persons who are aware of the affair, but have not received the letter. The letter seems to lift the secret cloud surrounding the affair, giving them permission to intercede to the point they feel comfortable. Don't you think there is a taboo about affairs that even when people know, they shrink away and mind their own business. But if you bring it to the light of day and make it very clear that you, as the BS, know exactly what's going on and you'd appreciate any support they can offer, it lifts the cloud and encourages them to be vocal?

possible other targets: broader circle of friends, mutual FB friends, direct exposure to OW's mother and siblings. close uncle & aunt, close church friends... some of WH's and OW's close friends, etc.
Hence my question: how far and wide do you go?
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...s=wallflower&Search=true#Post2809181

More likely that he is going to be quite pissed.

Jedi- I looked at that site but I didn't like the soft porno videos that were showing. I don't feel comfortable referring people to it.

wallflower, your question has been answered numerous times: EXPOSE THE AFFAIR FAR AND WIDE.

If you follow the guidelines in Exposure 101 you'll be on track.

But start by posting on www.cheaterville.com and then go from there.

BH of OW does know. DD has talked to him. Believe it or not but her WH and the BH asked DD (with a newborn! - after just finding out her own H was sleeping with her!!) to talk with OW about repairing her marriage.

Well, then just send out facebook exposures but you need to get the exposure done

Exactly! That is why it is so critical to send them a letter telling them the facts and asking for their support. Otherwise, people may dismiss it as gossip and will not be inclined to help.



Your list sounds pretty complete. I would also keep in contact with the OWH.

This is why exposure is so important. He has a very high level of entitlement and fog. It will take a major exposure to wake this guy up.

But this is all for naught if your daughter still refuses to take the advice. And a complete waste of our time. Is she actually going to do this?

Yes I think that as well, WF. I am very pro-exposure. What is DD saying at this point? Is she going to pull the trigger NOW? Dday was in January...it's now August. She is shooting herself in the foot big time by dragging this out.

Is she willing to post here or not?

I am giving her some time. She was being bombarded by me and I didn't want to completely shut her down. I strongly encouraged her to seek advice on the forum about this issue this morning. Thus far she hasn't posted. I plan to talk with her again tomorrow.

I have heard from Dr. Bill. He said to have DD call Dr. Steve and he would advise her that full exposure makes the most sense. He did not answer yet as to whether I should if she doesn't.

Meanwhile I have talked with WH's sister. She is totally in DD's corner and has spoken with W-brother on numerous occasions.

DD is currently accepting WH's promise to save the marriage.
Assisting with EP. What have I left out?


EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS

 The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
You will answer all of my specific questions about the affair until I am satisfied:
how did it start, when did you first realize you were falling for her, what attracted you to her, when and how did you meet or talk with one another, were the children ever present while you were alone together, how many times and when did you bring her into our home without my knowledge, etc.

 The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
You will have absolutely no contact with her whatsoever; EVER. You will not talk to her friends or family.

 The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
This has been done. You must not contact her to say �I�m sorry� or to try and explain yourself. All communication with her has ended.

 To protect my health and well-being, as well as yours, you will receive a full STD screening - sharing the results with me- before we engage in any sexual activity.

The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

1. Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
 Block her number and her friends/family numbers from your phone. You must also change your phone number immediately. We will do this together.
 Block her from all personal email accounts as well as work email. You must also change your personal email address and work email address.
 Unfriend her on FB and all of her personal friends and family. Block her from your newsfeed.
 You will provide me with all passwords and user names to all social networking sites, email accounts, voice mail, and phone (personal & work) so that I may monitor all activity.

2. Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
 You will use our google family calendar to plot out your specific daily schedule.

3. Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
 You will provide me with all usernames and passwords to all financial accounts.
 We will go to bank together to add my name to our Money Market account.
 You agree to provide full disclosure of any monies spent.

4. Spend leisure time together.
 We will spend a minimum of 15 hours (Goal: 20 hours) of undivided attention together each week doing things we both mutually find enjoyable. This time should be without the kids as much as possible.
 We will both fill out the Recreational Activity Preference WS on our own. After completely on our own, we will share our preferences and then use the items that we ranked as 2�s & 3�s to plan our time of undivided attention.
 We will use our Google Family Calendar to schedule our activities of undivided attention so that we have a minimum of 15 hours (Goal: 20 hours)

5. Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
 I don�t think this is currently necessary, but if she shows up at work, it may become necessary.

6. Avoid overnight separation.
 You will drastically reduce any overnight work travel. This is not negotiable. If it is necessary that you change positions within the company, then you must agree to do that. It is essential that we maintain 15 -20 hours of undivided attention together each week.

7. Allow technical accountability.
 You will provide me with all usernames and passwords to all forms of technology including but not limited to your phone, computer, Xbox, etc.

8. To remove any triggers for you and to protect my well-being, we will ready our home for sale and put it on the market.

To safeguard our marriage:
 We agree not to discuss personal issues with �friends� of the opposite sex, especially marital issues.
 We will not spend time alone with �friends� of the opposite sex.

To Recover our marriage (these are not negotiable):
 You agree to follow all points of Extraordinary Precautions listed in this document and will sign your acknowledgement.
 We will be fully invested in the Marriage Builders Counseling with Dr. Steve Harley or at his suggestion participate in Marriage Builders Online Coaching Program. This is not negotiable.
 We agree to read all books and materials provided by Dr.s Steve & Bill Harley and complete all exercises.
 We will fill out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire and make it our top priority to meet each other�s top 5 emotional needs.
 We will adopt the following policies to recover and make our marriage better than ever:
� Policy of Radical Honesty
� Policy of Joint Agreement
� Policy of Undivided Attention


I hereby agree that in order to save and recover our marriage, that I ___________________________________,
will fully abide by all conditions listed in this document. I also acknowledge that by refusing to maintain these conditions, the marriage will likely be dissolved.

Signed ___________________________________________________ Date: _____________________________

There can't be any overnight separation at all. As for 15 hours that is the amount needed for maintenance of already happy couples. For affair recovery it should be more like 20-25. Initially they should be together pretty much constantly but getting out of the house for proper UA anyway.

Sometimes a few weeks away is good to kickstart recovery because he will be going through withdrawal from OW too.

I'd recommend your daughter get a coach and online access to Dr H. She must be too exhausted to push this along herself.

All Social Media, especially Facebook should be eliminated. It allows for Private Messages that can then be deleted.

If you must keep it for family contact, then it should be a joint account.

LTL

It's always worth mentioning that my wife started an emotional affair from our joint facebook account. We dropped off of Facebook without a trace and have managed to keep up pretty good family contact since then using other methods.

There is no reason anyone "must keep it for family contact." People survived before Facebook, and can maintain family surprisingly well without it today. A joint account is no protection against your spouse hiding inappropriate contact. Facebook should just be done away with altogether.

Is this being drafted as a formal agreement? If so, there are many things wrong with the language. Also why is it being presented like this? I have never seen or heard of this being asked.

WF, when you spoke to WH's sister...is it clear that WH had/is having an affair with
(insert first and last name of OW) who was the married neighbor? Is is clear to the sister and other family members EXACTLY who this woman is and how long this has gone on?

Also, where is WH living? Are you still staying with DD?

Yes, I realize 15 hours of UA is maintenance but wondering how they can get 20-25 with three young children if the children are not to be present. That's why: "15 hours minimum (Goal:20)"

Encouraging her to do online counseling for sure.
I can see where a getaway would be a great idea. I can certainly watch the kids for an overnight away. Keep in mind that she is still nursing, so that is a consideration.