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I recently came out of an almost yearlong affair with a coworker. To provide a rough background, I was a teen mom and married my husband at 18, only because I was pregnant. Our marriage has in my opinion never been happy or healthy. I've always felt alone and neglected. I tried everything to better our relationship and he never was open to or wanting to work on things. That was until he found out about my affair. As a result he confessed that he had cheated on me with 3 different women. We decided to stay together, forgive each other, and do the work that is needed to recover and rebuild. However, I once again find myself doing all of the work; initiating and carrying out. I now feel that I've made a mistake by choosing to stay in my marriage and I'm having the most difficult time imaginable dealing with everything. Any advice?
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How long since your affair came out? When was the last contact you had with the OM? Did you leave the job? Is the OM married, and if so, was his wife informed of the affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My husband found out about my affair from the other man's wife this past November. I stopped talking to the other man this past February. The other man left the job in the same month that our affair came out to our spouses. I left the job in March as the military moved our family overseas.
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My husband found out about my affair from the other man's wife this past November. I stopped talking to the other man this past February. The other man left the job in the same month that our affair came out to our spouses. I left the job in March as the military moved our family overseas. Has there been ANY contact whatsoever since February?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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However, I once again find myself doing all of the work; initiating and carrying out. I now feel that I've made a mistake by choosing to stay in my marriage and I'm having the most difficult time imaginable dealing with everything. Any advice? Do you have a plan for recovery that you are following? Can you describe the plan? And what has been his objection to working on the marriage?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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None. But honestly, I miss having him to talk to. My husband and I read His Needs Her Needs, identified each other's needs and my #1 need is affection, #2 is conversation, and he does neither. He is emotionally unavailable yet expects to get his #1 need of sexual fulfillment met. We are in marriage counseling, but only because I set it up. I just feel like there is no point. I'm not happy and I feel like what else is there to do. I'm going on 34 and I feel like I'm wasting my life away in this marriage.
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My plan has been to start with myself and work on me so that I can be a great wife to him. I began counseling at our previous duty station and realized that I should have been in therapy a long time ago. It has really wakened me up to why I am who I am and to what needs to be worked on. We also began marriage counseling, but my husband will go for about a month then quit. In my opinion he is simply just lazy and doesn't want to put in the work, he wishes there was a quick fix that would just magically happen so that he wouldn't have to change and wouldn't have to put in effort. So he doesn't have an objection, he just doesn't want to do the work.
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None. But honestly, I miss having him to talk to. My husband and I read His Needs Her Needs, identified each other's needs and my #1 need is affection, #2 is conversation, and he does neither. He is emotionally unavailable yet expects to get his #1 need of sexual fulfillment met. We are in marriage counseling, but only because I set it up. I just feel like there is no point. I'm not happy and I feel like what else is there to do. I'm going on 34 and I feel like I'm wasting my life away in this marriage. ds, I would try the Marriage Builders program. If you will follow the basic concepts, you can both turn this around. I suspect your husband feels there is no point either because he has been wasting a lot of valuable time with a marriage counselor who has no plan for recovery. With no plan in sight he probably lost interest. What you need is an action plan with step by step instructions where you see an immediate payoff. Many of us here have used this program in our marriages and we have passionate, romantic marriages as a result. But you really have to do the work. If you will do the work, we can help you both. Are you willing to do the work?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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As of right now I'm not ready to make that decision. I would rather make that decision when I'm not emotional as I am right now. No decision is better than a hasty decision.
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My plan has been to start with myself and work on me so that I can be a great wife to him. I began counseling at our previous duty station and realized that I should have been in therapy a long time ago. It has really wakened me up to why I am who I am and to what needs to be worked on. We also began marriage counseling, but my husband will go for about a month then quit. In my opinion he is simply just lazy and doesn't want to put in the work, he wishes there was a quick fix that would just magically happen so that he wouldn't have to change and wouldn't have to put in effort. So he doesn't have an objection, he just doesn't want to do the work. I would forgo the personal therapy because it is a distraction from your problems. The issue with marriage counseling is that there is no plan. Most marriage counselors have no earthly idea how to save a marriage. They have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. I don't really think your husband is lazy, he just doesn't see the point in sitting around in a marriage counselors office with no plan in sight. I cant say I blame him. But we DO have a plan here and it really works. We can help you with that if you are willing to do the work. Most men like this program because it is based on action steps.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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As of right now I'm not ready to make that decision. I would rather make that decision when I'm not emotional as I am right now. No decision is better than a hasty decision. A hasty decision about what? I don't understand what you mean.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Right now I feel like I've been committed to the work and my husband has not. So before I commit myself even further I need to think about it.
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Right now I feel like I've been committed to the work and my husband has not. So before I commit myself even further I need to think about it. But you haven't had a plan. So even if you were committed, there wasn't a plan in place that would change in your marriage. I don't blame your husband for giving up. What was the point of going to marriage counseling if there was no plan? If you were committed to no plan of action, why wouldn't you want to try a plan of action? What do you have to lose? The books cost about $15 for Surviving an Affair and $11 for the workbook. You can get a book for free if you write Dr Harley a question on his radio show. [also free] What do you have to lose?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Are you and your husband active duty military? How long have you been married? How old is your child?
If you haven't done so, get and read the book "Surviving an Affair". And follow the advice about counseling. It does more harm than good.
AM
BW - 73
WH - 68
M - 43 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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DS, your husband will be much more motivated if he sees a plan of action with a clear sight to the result. So far, he has not had that. There is no vision, no plan, no end in sight, no benefit. He probably endured sitting in a counselors office listening to grievances and just gave up because he knows that is a waste of his time.
We can give him an action plan, an end in sight and massive benefits.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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