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SugarCane et. al.
None of these choices are easy for me either.
1) Forget about OM2, I didn't in 20+ years, and accept an incomplete truth, and try to improve my marriage as if I just got married and we had no past. Suggested choice.
2) Divorce we all know the family, emotional, financial and physical toll that extracts.
3) Revenge cheating, see 2.
4) Virtual divorce while living at the same address.
5) Get the truth of what happened could lead to 1, 2 or 4.
6) Live in limbo making the W happy, current choice.
God Bless
Gamma
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Wow. Hardly any of those things are acceptable choices for people who want any kind of a life. I'm actually kind of staggered at number three. Why would you put such an evil thing on a list?
There are is only one initial choice when your spouse refuses something you want. Accept that the answer is no and leave it at that. Because anything less is force. A demand. An abuse.
The decision to then be made is only two choices: a) I can live with the no, it doesn't matter, let's make things happy.
Or b) I can't live with it, goodbye and Plan D.
I think it would be vastly foolish to go Plan D over an old realtionship. Not when you can make the present far happier and walk away from the past until it dies.
See you think everyone is suggesting what you describe as Option 1). But we are not. Your option one is neutral and flat and without romantic love. We are saying make it better than that.
Try not lovebusting and see what you get back.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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mrEureka,
You wrote, Are you getting a minimum of 15 hours of time each week where you are meeting each other's emotional needs? If not, we need to start there.
We get more than that and my W says I meet her needs. Doing what? Could you answer this?
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Maybe they found themselves on the same flight.
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Prisca,
You wrote, Could you answer this? referring to what my W and I do together.
Shopping, yard sales, going to Church, going for walks, massages, being physically affectionate without pressuring for sex believe it or not. Etc.
God Bless
Gamma
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What about conversation? How often? Talking about what?
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SugarCane,
You wrote, Does this mean that you intend to continue your quest to speak to him about this?
After coming this far? YES! No matter what OM2 say or does it is more data, and as they say at Google more data is better data.
I'm just waiting to pick a day where I can be close to OM2 house when I make the call, and have money on hand to pay for love letters if he kept them LOL.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 08/04/14 12:59 PM.
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Prisca,
You wrote, What about conversation? How often? Talking about what?
Almost every morning and night, mostly about what happened during the day when we were apart.
God Bless
Gamma
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SugarCane,
You wrote, Does this mean that you intend to continue your quest to speak to him about this?
After coming this far? YES! No matter what OM2 say or does it is more data, and as they say at Google more data is better data.
God Bless
Gamma If you persist in dwelling on the past instead of the problems of the present, your marriage will continue to limp along. You are gathering "data" at the expense of your marriage.
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Prisca,
You wrote, What about conversation? How often? Talking about what?
Almost every morning and night, mostly about what happened during the day when we were apart.
God Bless
Gamma Do you both enjoy the conversation a lot?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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SugarCane,
You wrote, Does this mean that you intend to continue your quest to speak to him about this?
After coming this far? YES! Have you ever heard the phrase "throwing good money after bad?"
Last edited by markos; 08/04/14 01:10 PM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Markos,
If you had the chance to speak with the OM Prisca had her "EA" with would you, or have you done so in the past?
Do you feel that Prisca explained her EA to your satisfaction?
God Bless
Gamma
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Markos,
If you had the chance to speak with the OM Prisca had her "EA" with would you, or have you done so in the past? I had the chance, and no I did not. I could go hunt him down any time I wanted, and I don't do that. Do you feel that Prisca explained her EA to your satisfaction?
God Bless
Gamma Mostly. There were some pieces that I later realized did not totally add up, but I did not bring them up again. They were not important enough to risk damaging our relationship.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Do you feel that Prisca explained her EA to your satisfaction?
God Bless
Gamma Mostly. There were some pieces that I later realized did not totally add up, but I did not bring them up again. They were not important enough to risk damaging our relationship. EXACTLY!!! Gamma, I've not posted on your thread before now, but I have been reading. I have a question for you: What makes your situation any different than any other BS on here? Yes, I know that obviously your sitch happened before marriage and ours happened during. But I am meaning why are your "bad mind tapes that you can't get over" any different than all of ours who ALSO may never have gotten the full truth? I'm not asking to be snide. For a long while after we "began recovery", I also went insane focusing on what other truth I could be missing, or if he really did "forget" exact order of some events, or what else he (probably) was hiding from me. It drove me NUTS! It deprived ME of my present happiness, and it sure did not allow for any of H's actions to make LoveBank deposits. I was miserable and lonely. I dropped it, and I started to feel better. So let's say that I conducted a little test to see how I would feel. I gave it time. First I dropped it with my H and never brought it up again. I started feeling better within a couple of weeks, so THEN I started learning to DROP IT with my own brain. I'm not perfect at that quite yet, but I sure never purposely go there any more. Suddenly all of the kind loving and extraordinary careful things that H was doing for me were ABLE to reach my LoveBank. Gamma, I swear that they COULD NOT GET IN BEFORE when I was focusing on the past!
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good! 
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Imagine your resentment is a mountain. The size of your mountain is bigger than mine was. Yes? With me so far?
How do you make that mountain go away? It's a damn mountain, after all !
You make it "disappear" from your reality by walking away. It gets smaller with every step, but it might not seem like it is any smaller for quite awhile, because it is such a large mountain.
Eventually, you will notice, when you look behind you, the mountain appears smaller as it lowers on the horizon.
One day, you won't be able to see it.
You know it is there, but instead of choosing to walk towards it to see it again, you keep walking away.
I hope this visual helps.
Your time line will depend on how big your mountain is, and how much you walk in the opposite direction.
Of course, if your spouse piles more resentments on the mountain, it grows.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Markos,
If you had the chance to speak with the OM Prisca had her "EA" with would you, or have you done so in the past? I had the chance, and no I did not. I could go hunt him down any time I wanted, and I don't do that. Do you feel that Prisca explained her EA to your satisfaction?
God Bless
Gamma Mostly. There were some pieces that I later realized did not totally add up, but I did not bring them up again. They were not important enough to risk damaging our relationship. Gamma, If anybody had a RIGHT to badger OM for info, or his WW for apparent inconsistencies, it was markos. He was, afterall, betrayed by his WIFE, the person that vowed to honor and protect him. You were not betrayed by your wife. You were not married at the time of your girlfriend's indiscretions. She had made no vow to you. You chose to marry her anyway. You are not a BH. Stop dwelling on the relationships that happened BEFORE your marriage. Focus on the marriage you have TODAY.
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Markos,
If you had the chance to speak with the OM Prisca had her "EA" with would you, or have you done so in the past? I had the chance, and no I did not. I could go hunt him down any time I wanted, and I don't do that. Do you feel that Prisca explained her EA to your satisfaction?
God Bless
Gamma Mostly. There were some pieces that I later realized did not totally add up, but I did not bring them up again. They were not important enough to risk damaging our relationship. I never had the chance and still do not know who the OM was, 30 years later. The little trickle truth I got also did not add up. I was mislead, I was minimized, I was not told the truth, and my wife refuses to tell me the truth. You can live without knowing everything. I can not let go without knowing everything. I sit haunted not knowing. Married or not Gamma was not told the truth. Though if I was Gamma I would not talk to those OM. However he can not force his wife to tell him. He can do other things.
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Markos,
If you had the chance to speak with the OM Prisca had her "EA" with would you, or have you done so in the past? I had the chance, and no I did not. I could go hunt him down any time I wanted, and I don't do that. Do you feel that Prisca explained her EA to your satisfaction?
God Bless
Gamma Mostly. There were some pieces that I later realized did not totally add up, but I did not bring them up again. They were not important enough to risk damaging our relationship. I never had the chance and still do not know who the OM was, 30 years later. I wouldn't recommend anyone live without knowing the identity of the OP. I don't think Dr. Harley would recommend it either, at least not for any length of time. The little trickle truth I got also did not add up.
I was mislead, I was minimized, I was not told the truth, and my wife refuses to tell me the truth. You can live without knowing everything. I can not let go without knowing everything. I sit haunted not knowing.
Married or not Gamma was not told the truth. Though if I was Gamma I would not talk to those OM. However he can not force his wife to tell him. He can do other things. Of all the possible things that can be done, there are really only two that have any chance of success: Plan A, or Plan B. Plan B would be a lot better than what gamma is doing. It would also be a lot better than a Plan A dragged out for many multiplied years too long.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I can not let go without knowing everything. I sit haunted not knowing. So get a divorce. Dr. Harley does not condone this board being used to encourage people to take courses of action that are detrimental to their mental health, like staying in a marriage for years without even knowing the identity of an affair partner. If you don't want to do what is healthy for you, that doesn't give you the right to hang around and encourage people to make similar unhealthy choices.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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And all this is irrelevant to Gamma's case. He is not a BH. His wife is not completely open about her life before her marriage, but Gamma does not encourage honesty with his little stunts and the threat of divorce that hangs over head.
He is not a BH. He needs to follow Dr. Harley's advice and leave the past in the past.
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