I haven't posted about my marriage for ions. My husband gave up attending a dojo at the beginning of this year--- much to my relief. The dojo for him was like a bar for an alcoholic. OCD at marriage and my expense.

Last December he read thru Dr Harley's lasted book "He Wins She Wins" about negotiations and finally he "got it." That's after attending seminar 2010, the online program, reading other MB books and tapes, and various shots at M counseling too. It finally mattered. We needed to follow POJA. Like it was suddenly his very own idea.

And he's really worked at applying the policy. Still , he is not making 15 hours of undivided attention such a priority. Main reason is work schedules. If any here have access to the private forum you can see what efforts are being implemented to change the schedule. Still its hard.

The reason I am compelled to write today is because I am particularly low. I've been traumatized by two outside events. And this morning my husband sat down and very kindly asked how I would feel if he attended dojo one time per week.

I appreciate his O&H, but yikes! I told him I would be traumatized by triggers. I keep thinking he has some empathetic understanding of why dojo lifestyle is out for us. This is equivalent to a WH w/a work place affair, finally quits job and gets another job, and later asks his BS about returning when at that particular timing she has been traumatized in another area of her life! Double wham!

When he got to work this AM I called him and said this is difficult. I recognize we are physically not compatible and motivated to exercise in different ways. He's missed a vigorous work out and has not figured out how to make it a routine in a less offensive fashion. I too would like to do something that suited me and our marriage.

He said we would work something else out and would talk this over. I hope this doesn't turn into a mess all over again. I hope I can truly rest in what has appeared to be conviction to follow POJA.

One of the things I made a mistake in the past when I attempted to explain why dojo was bad for our marriage is the fact I attempted to explain it! I am here now to get help (I hope in this area) Frankly when I attempt to explain why it sounds kind of crazy or paranoid. He's doing something seemingly healthy.

Why not join up too? Make it a RA and meet his #1 need and so on. Simply put its never worked out to the benefit of myself personally or for our marriage. It adds up to a whole lot of craziness. For the record I did attend dojo for a good chunk of time.

I can give him examples of how this becomes detrimental but its mostly not getting through. Apparently the only thing that got through was POJA.

You don't like it - end of!

How about just going the gym together? Adjacent machines, you go at your pace he goes at his?

Just brainstorm other stuff too: hiking, biking, yoga?

Don't explain it. Don't give him examples. Stick to "It bothers me," and "I'm not enthusiastic." You don't need to get into the details of why. It's entirely possible he may never understand why (and that's okay), but that's not important. What's important is that it bothers you and you are NOT enthusiastic. If he is willing to follow the POJA, then he doesn't need to know WHY it bothers you, he just needs to know that it does. That's all the reason he needs to never do it again.

Thank you Prisca and IG. Seriously, you both are gems. Your comments give me encouragement and much needed validations.

I will stick to simple statements and head back to brainstorming exercise programs.

My son and his beautiful wife and my 3 year old and 1.5 year old grandchildren just moved to Grenada Island W.I (Sat) and I'm feeling that lose.

Sunday my brother called and whom we'd purchased a recreational home previously owned by my parents--- is being a bully and basically forcing us out of our half of the ownership in a very cruel way.

My husbands request was the trifecta.

I understand that your husband's request was difficult, but be careful not to punish him for it. He is learning, and at least he is trying to use negotiation rather than just resorting to Independent Behavior.

Don't punish him. It bothers you, that's all there is to it.

Yes, I am venting here but will recover myself and work w/him.

I asked my husband if he'd like to sit down and talk about exercise. He said "sure" and said he thought the discussion was over. I said how about brainstorming other ideas.

He mentioned hiring a trainer with martial arts background to come to our home. I asked how he'd find this person and he said he'd start with internet. I mentioned going to a regular gym and working along side one another. He said this would not be as fulfilling as a group class ie dojo.

I also listed other types of work out means for myself. And we git into looking up tandem bikes which we are interested in.

Altogether I'm discouraged with this first go around. First off. My husband's overall tone level and lack of enthusiasm. The compare and contrast of dojo experience to other forms of exercise. Partly I start feeling like I'm being an oppressor. I also start feeling hopeless. Like I'm not going to be enough. This is where I start feeling over powered with "his needs" but not the plural form.

How is your UA?

Say, were we at the seminar together in May 2010? Or did you attend the March session?

How many hours are you getting? Any at all?
What are you doing during that time? Do you both enjoy it?

I'm thinking the two of you may need to find a recreational activity that isn't a form of exercise. Recreational activity does not have to be exercise, and the negotiation and brainstorming shouldn't start by limiting recreation to that one category.

Start looking into other activities. Dr. Harley has a form to help you with this. Have you seen the Recreational Companionship Inventory?

We had a little discussion this AM after I posted earlier. He says he was really tired last night and really did not want to discuss the exercise thing.

I'd said I'd been confused because early in the day he'd indicated we'd talk about the subject. Its hard when he essentially does not check in with himself and then let me know his status. This is common.

Often my husband will assert he needs a really vigorous work out. Of course there are any of a number of way to make this happen. When we start to brainstorm ----things like going to a gym etc are discounted. He'll start talking about wanting to be part of something that seems to have purpose to help drive him to meet goals.

I start talking about building up our own intimacy as another direction. But there are issues with this for us. Namely we both appreciate his tendency towards OCD with whatever he gets involved with. For example we started going to a archery range. I was doing fine. But sure enough my husband started getting OCD about it and it took on a life of its own. Changes the dynamic and becomes LB. He becomes 'expert' and me his student. Takes the potential relationship connections away and is more about his connecting to the tools of the sport.

Anyway, we decided we needed RA that's non-technical or where we are NOT trying to accomplish two things at once as sometimes what's promoted here. Does not pan out for us. We need to do things that are more experiences and not too tool, equipment driven.

Also he can't attend co-ed exercise programs or Recreational activities. He gets mixed up. Becomes an expert in the group, and before he 'gets it' women are in the admiring mode around him. A backward way of being open for business so to speak. He's a doctor so its an inclination to be helpful and an expert at once. In the office there are professional boundaries. Not at the gym or dojo so I lose.

January 2010

The RA needs to be just the two of you or it doesn't count as UA, anyway.

There should be conversation going on between the two of you during the recreational companionship. Not conversation between him and everybody else.

I appreciate RA is not with others. I agree his exercise is mostly separate from our RC activity. I'm just saying his exercise can't include co-ed. He used to sing at our church and that became weird. All so-called healthy individual things but tricky for us.

Anyway, the trouble is there is so little non-work hours. been hard to get a handle as a referral based solo provider. Working towards adding an associate.

Can you answer this?

Its variable Prisca. Low end 4 hours and high end ~10.

I've written to Dr Harley about our UA time in the private forum.