Yes, this is one reason dojo is out. I'm a lower belt. He's an upper belt and there are numerous in-between admirers and students. I never counted this as UA. We do not attend dojo anymore so is a non-factor.

There are numerous things we enjoy together outside dojo. These days the competition is the office responsibilities. The exercise thing gets factored in now because taking time out to work out is going to impact our UA time. But the real crux is the office and wasting time we do have w/non UA activities. Also just taking the time to make time or planning it all out.

I have to get nitty gritty at office and patient scheduling. Time motion studies. Staff training, scripting and so on. I have been doing all these things to get a handle on schedule and other resources. Its climbing mount Everest w/flip flops.

One of the big problems I see is that finding "healthy individual" activities is even an issue. Dr. Harley usually stipulates that independent activities come only when:

* you are each other's favorite recreational companion
* you are successfully following the policy of undivided attention
* the activities are not with members of the opposite sex
* your spouse is enthusiastic about the activities chosen

In other words, that kind of stuff should come to a DEAD STOP until AFTER recovery. If there's not enough time for UA time, there's no time at all for individual recreation, so he shouldn't be having any.

(If he has to put off any individual recreational activities until after he starts finding fifteen hours a week for you, that will probably help motivate him to find the fifteen hours a week.)

I do not have time to wade through your posting history. I am a volunteer and have 7 young children to care for.
Considering that this whole program is based on UA, I am not out of line asking you about yours. You still have provided very little detail to go on, so I don't know how much help we can give you.

Have you seen the Recreational Companionship Inventory?

YEs, I've heard this from Sandy! This is where I am coming from when I'm talking to my husband. He has not been involved with IB such as dojo since January. When I made the above statement it was to describe his character, situation and precautions for us.

I understand your time is precious. I don't expect you to slog through my history. I've noted some here have an orientation to research and I'm noting I've had this interaction w/ Dr H. Simple as that.

My husband and I spend ~15-30 min at lunch. ~1 hour in the evening talking about our day (IC). Estimate weekends 5 hours.

Do OK w/IC. Affection for me is inconsistent which cascades to RA and SF.

I don't know how better to describe.

Graceful, I am sure this has been explained to you, but I want to emphasize that UA time should be scheduled first and the less important things scheduled around that. That is surely the reason you are struggling 4 years out. I can tell that you guys have never really done this step or he wouldn't be so hesitant. What does dr Harley say about that?

So you can't count the lunch and the 1 hr talking at home in the evening is dubious at best. UA time spent at home is crappy because you are surrounded by distractions and if there are kids there it doesn't count at all. In order for UA time to be effective it needs to be done in 2-4 hour blocks.

It sounds to me like you and your husband are just going along as usual but trying to count any interaction as UA time to check the box. That doesn't work. If you want to see a change in your marriage you are going to have to change your habits.

The best UA time is spent out on dates away from home. Harley recommends 4 4 hour dates. Have you done that?

Which is why I think you need to be spending your time negotiating Recreational Activities OTHER than exercising right now. The way he likes to exercise CAN NOT be counted as UA.

Since your hours are so low, and the time is not spent in ways that you particularly enjoy, you need to put the focus on fixing your UA rather than negotiating exercise routines.

There are hundreds of other things you can be doing together that you would enjoy immensely. You both seem focused on finding a replacement for the dojo rather than finding a recreational activity that counts as UA.

Have you seen the Recreational Companionship Inventory?

Prisca, Marcos, ML,
Thank you for your time and responses and reminders. I get it. I would love to roll w/4x4 dates per week but do not get that level of cooperation from my husband. When I complain he says he is trying. Dr W Harley expresses encouragement for my efforts. Steve Harley suggests I keep encouraging my husband.

Yes, we have seen and used the RC inventory.

It was only yesterday our focus swung back to husbands exercise. He's been working out at home. We'd fixed up a room.

No children at home. Since our son and his young family were prepping to leave the country we have taken UA time to spend with them.

I believe this issue about returning to dojo sprung out of the incident on Sunday w/my brother and his wife. My husband had hoped at some point when his schedule was not as impacted, he'd be able to use the house we own together to hunt w/my brother. This incident altered that future. Probably for the best, but I suspect he's reliving the loss of leaving dojo.

I will specifically assert we have dates away from house. Good suggestion for directing energies.

I noticed you used the past tense here. Keep using the inventory. Steve told us to add to it, and keep adding to it until we found an activity that we both loved.

I am very concerned about this. You need to set the bar high. He will only reach as high as he has to. Either he takes you out on dates, or he doesn't get to keep you.

He shouldn't be doing this, though, until those conditions listed above are met:

* you are each other's favorite recreational companion
* you are successfully following the policy of undivided attention
* the activities are not with members of the opposite sex
* your spouse is enthusiastic about the activities chosen

He shouldn't be worrying about exercise until he's recovered his marriage!

Tell him you aren't enthusiastic about those individual activities until these conditions are met.

BTW, I did not get into a lengthy explaining round w/husband last night about my issue w/dojo. Just stated I was not enthusiastic. (Thanks Prisca)

He chuckled when I said this. I asked what was funny. He shrugged. This bothered me. He can be enigmatic. Hard to read. Seem like he's onboard and then will do something confusing. in.

Exactly! All individual activities need to cease, ESPECIALLY since you don't have time for UA.

Will you tell him this?

Marcos and Prisca, again thanks for your perspective. Your right. I've lead myself to believe all the angst and battling was behind me. It has 'appeared OK to me. Not great, but OK.

You may need to start preparing for a separation.

I'll him we need to get our UA act together.

What will you do if he chuckles or offers more excuses?

1. I'll say "what?"