Dear Dr.Harley

im here to talk about a matter that concerned me a lot regarding My husband where im gonna show his positive and negative sides of him:
the positive side: My husband is a very generous person he helped my parents a lots(financially, socially, etc) he is well financed he have a very good heart, he brought me a maid to do the housework, he help me in the kitchen preparing food,he is not a routine person we go out frequently which i like very much, however

the bad side for me that he is a very controlling person. He likes to be in charge of everything and he's always telling me when, what and how to do things and when he asked me to do something he always comment on what I had done, what he thought I should do and how long it took me to do it.
I always feel that if i want to do something by myself or take a decision by myself i tell him over the phone, while he's still at work so if he gets angry with me he has time to cool down before he gets home.i always have the afraid feeling about his reaction.

My husband is also a loud person. When we argue, he raises his voice so that he's yelling. I ask him constantly not to yell, but he ignores my request. he is a nervous person he anger quickly he always thing the way he wanted the way he understand i tried many times to explain my way through the discussion but no response he stick by his idea .

when he is anger he tell bad words but after the discussion he return to his nature he started to pamper me to kiss me like he apologize from what he did

i always talk him about his bad attitude that it hurts me and why not taking things so easy he tell me i will try.

when i want to do something i always have to tell him well i do no mind but which bother me is sometimes i feel like im taking his permission to do it as i told him about what i feel he told me no you dont take permission you are free to do what you want but i have my opinion too but most of the time we end it by what his opinion require.

I have realized that he's always been controlling, but I feel that i need my space to be my own person, and pursue my interests, go out with my friends, go to sleep a weekend in my parents house whitch he dont like because he tell me i cant sleep when you are far away, few times i slept in my parents house but after convincing him to do it.

sometimes i feel that if i want to tell him something i push my sister to open the subject indirectly in a smart way because i feel that i cant convince him or change his opinion by myself about a certain topic.

I could understand his jealousy if there were a lot of men involved, but all the people interested in the hobby I pursue are women and my sisters.

Whenever he's wanted to improve himself, I tell him to do it. I stand behind him and cheer him on. However, when I mention my dreams there is a distinct lack of support and understanding. He doesn't understand that I feel empty and unfulfilled, as if my brain is wasting away.
while i mention him i just want to work he tell me you dont need to how much they will give you at work i will give it to you triple

he always tell me he loves me, he always bring me gifts, he is a romantic person and i love him too much but these things exhausted me i feel that i can't live without giving me his instruction otherwise we will start shouting because he things that he is always right in everything

he dont read books to advise him one as he dnt like counselors

i just need your help in what i can do and how i can deal with this

M.M

Noula,

Hello and I am sorry to hear that you are in this situation.

So you are a SAHW, correct? Do you two have any children? Have you worked and contributed financially since you married him? Does he NOT WANT you to get a job?

Also, how much time does your "hobbby" take you away from your husband and why do you sleep in your parents house on weekends without your husband being there? Are you and your husband spending at least 15 hours / week of UA time?

You and your husband should not spend any nights away from each other and therefore your husband's complaint regaring that aspect sounds valid to me.

Your husband seems to have to work on eliminating AO, SD and DJ towards you.

I hope you will receive many great advices from the vets.

Good luck!

Noula,
Dr. Harley does not read this forum. If you want to talk to him personally, email him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

The main problem in your marriage is your husband's Angry Outbursts. No other problem can be solved until he eliminates those. Would he be willing to get help to stop?

Please read:

What to Do with an Angry Husband
When to Call It Quits, Part 1
When to Call It Quits, Part 2
Angry Outbursts

More reading:

How to Overcome Lovebusters
What to Do With a Controlling Husband Letter 1

What to Do With a Controlling Husband Letter 2
Angry Outbursts Letter 1
Angry Outbursts Letter 2
Domestic Violence Letter 1

Domestic Violence Letter 2
Domestic Violence Letter 3
How to Overcome an Abusive Marriage Letter 1
How to Win Back a Wife Who Has Fled to a Shelter
Am I Trivializing the Term Abuse
What to do With an Alcoholic Husband who is Abusive
Why Do People who Love Each Other Fight So Much?

Has he ever hurt you physically? Has he ever restrained you physically?

Taka my friend yes we have 1 child before i marry i had a work and i stop when i got marry because my husband have his own business and he is well financed
he doesn't want me to have a job because he thinks that our child is an important job to me

I only sleep 1 time in my parents house with my child per month and the other times with my husband the reason i like to spend time with my parents that i just miss them, we use to have a gathering with them from time to time.
my husband and me spend lots of time together

prisca my husband would never hurts me but because he loves me too much he is always afraid from getting hurts from something he treats me as im his baby and always want to guide me and to have things under his control so i can never get harm

taka can you explain your abbreviation words please

SAHW
AO
SD
DJ

Here Acronyms and Abbreviations

thank you

What do you plan on doing?

Well yesterday we argue on something by texting not face to face ( through the phone)I felt so comfortable and relaxed, so free to send my message I told him many thinks that always came into my mind and bothers me regarding the discussion subject so he as usual proposed his opinion and gave me his point of view with confidence that he is totally right but I never stop explaining what I want and what I feel and what is logic it was a good discussion with no anger from both side so at the end I felt happy with the result of our discussion and when I came to the house we didn't open the subject we spend the night normally.
Do you thing that this is temporarily or I should as always talk with him when the opportunities occur