People find new jobs every day.

People also have affairs every day, and get divorced every day.

Which do you think will uproot your family more?

How do you know this 'for a fact?' Because your wife has told you this? The word of someone in the fog is not FACT.

The bottom line is, it doesn't matter if it is an EA or a PA at this point, the steps to follow are the same. Nobody is trying to force you to believe it is a PA, because we don't know if it was a PA anymore than you do. What people here are trying to get you to see is that, your wife is in a fog and her word cannot be trusted. ANYTHING is possible. You cannot rely on her word to make decisions on your life right now. If she says it was not a PA, that cannot be trusted. That doesn't mean it isn't true, it just means you cannot blindly trust the word of someone in the fog.

It won't be awkward for her if she NEVER SEES HIM because she no longer works there....

Ultimately, RoughRock, it doesn't matter whether the affair went physical or not. In fact, some waywards hold up the fact that they haven't had intercourse as justification that it isn't really an affair. (Bill Clinton, for example...)

Dr. Harley defines an affair as a romantic attachment to someone other than the spouse. Your wife is having an affair.

Exposure is your next step.

Like Dr. Harley says, give your WW 30 days to resign and find another job or you will expose to her job.

You still need to expose to family, especially your kids.

At lunch I talked to my wife, and I told her that she needs to find another job, and she absolutly refuses, because she has 16 years of pension that she will lose. I told her that I cannot continue to live this way. Her reply was maybe he will leave soon.
So the question is now, how should I expose in the workplace with absolutly no evidence. Melody gave me this template a while back, but I don't know how to fit it to my situation exactly. here is the template I have.

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,
_________________________

There was no miss use of company time by him at all, because they were texting after he left work. She was there, but it still doesn't have an affect, because she is graded by speed and quality. She excells in her job, and definetly gets more than is expected done. As far as sexual harrasment, there is no way my wife would admit, or stand behind any SH charges. How should I word it. I just don't know exactly how to go about this.

BTW, I just got a text from my wife that says. "You're mine...I don't know why you think I would want someone else".

This is an example of her short term memory. She thinks I should be over this by now, and doesn't know why I still think about it on a daily basis.

RR,

Just a few notes from my situation, that yours reminds me of:

1. My FWS also claimed they only texted after work hours. Phone bill proved otherwise. If theyre texting after works hours...and they work together...odds are they are texting during work hours.

2. ANY time at work they spend texting, talking, meeting up in a hall is time spent AWAY from doing their job, thus they are wasting the company's time and resources. Their bosses are evaluated on their success/profits -- any little implication of anything jeopardizing that will solicit a reaction against them.

3. When push came to shove, AFTER exposure...to save her job, her income, her house, her kids...my FWS -- who at one time in her fog dared me to subpoena the POSOM for court -- gladly stated there was no way she would testify FOR the POSOM in a SH case, when doing so would be throwing herself under the bus as well.

4. Even if I was off, the mere notification to a company'es HR director and VP and President is enough of a 'shot across the bow' to end the employment of one of them, and put both of them on notice.

Just an FYI.

Sir, the 1000 text messages between the two of them (detailed on your first post) is enough evidence.

I would send the letter Melody posted to the President of the Company and a key VP; certified mail.

Also, this affair should be fully exposed and the OM should be posted on www.cheaterville.com

You wife forfeited her option to stay in that job when she chose to pursue her affair. It is as simple as that.

Everything your wife has said shows her on the path to a physical affair. "You just don't want me to have friends." "I told him I think he's attractive." "He hits on me and doesn't like you." "I was trying to protect you by not telling you I'm still in contact with the OM." I've heard all this before: from my WH. His physical affair stared very soon afterwards.

I feel very strongly that you need to take the steps to end this affair. She needs to send him a no contact letter and change jobs. Unless she does this you will live for a long time in fear. You won't know if she has truly stopped contact or if she truly wants to. The biggest threat is that she has expressed her interest to the OM and he has expressed a deep desire to be with her. A single fight between you and her, a single bad day, could drive her straight into his arms.

Protect yourself. Protect your wife from her weaknesses. Protect your marriage from the consequences of your wife's poor judgement and naive decisions. She has to realise the gravity and danger of the situation she is in.

Don't feel helpless! You can do this. You can make your wife feel so loved and wanted and sexy that she will never even think of another man. She'll be too busy daydreaming about you. But this will take TIME. You need to spend around 20 hours a week together one-on-one, no kids or phones or TVs to interrupt you while you meet each other's emotional needs. Since you work opposite shifts one of you will have to change your schedule. This is the best way to arrange more time together. You might have to get a nanny or look into daycare for the kids (depending on their age.)

This process of strengthening your marriage will take some big changes and sacrifices of what you're used to. But lets face it: what you're used to DOESN'T WORK!

It's going to be REALLY hard to put on a face and love her with abandon. It requires you to be extremely vulnerable. But it is SO worth it. Because eventually she will be just as vulnerable. But together, that close, that intimate, you'll feel safe.

I agree with everyone here. She needs to quit her job. You need to snoop and continue to investigate. She has admitted some facts to you, so if she decided to continue she would have gone deeper underground. And your counsellor should base their teachings on Dr. Harley's program. Many counsellors base their teachings on personal opinion rather than documented and researched fact.

Don 't listen to the people here putting you down. I understand how hard it is to love someone and want to trust them. I knew my husband was unhappy with himself before any affair was on the horizon. I wanted to be fair and not accuse him because if he truly was innocent my accusations would slaughter his self-esteem. But I do agree that you SHOULD NOT trust your wife. She is not in her right mind. If she truly believes that she and her OM were just friends, she's not thinking straight.

You need to send the letter because what is happening leaves your company wide open to a sexual harassment lawsuit. You have your wife's confession of the affair and that is plenty of evidence.

In addition, I would expse to anyone else who doesn't know. Remind me, did you epxose to the OM's family?

You should keep this issue on the front burner and tell your wife this will lead to divorce if she doesn't leave the job. I would give it 6 months from your D-day and then plan to move out and go into Plan B.

I know it's hard to hear everyone telling you that your wife's affair was not physical. When I approached my husband about the affair I suspected he was having, the first time he was angry and defensive, they were just friends. Then he ended the friendship but didn't seem sincere about. After that he was very kind and patient. I confronted him again about a new woman and he was calm and seemed very sincere. I felt completely convinced and even prayed about it and felt totally at peace. Then not even a week later he admitted to kissing the new woman. But a few weeks after that he admitted that it had actually been sexual for quite a while.

My point is that you CANNOT trust your feelings or your gut. Your wife is an addict and EXTREMELY well versed in deception and secrecy. My WH later admitted that he wasn't in his right mind and that everything he said and did was designed to trick me into believing him.

Your wife needs to give you a reason to believe her. And to start with, she needs to show the desire to put your mind at ease. Right now she is angry and defensive. Stop talking to her about it. When you're with her pretend it never happened. And START SNOOPING!!! If she is telling the truth, the evidence will prove it. If not...

As for the OM. She admitted to him making sexual comments to her at work. That is sexual harassment and needs to be reported.

I beg your pardon? Who has put him down? I see many posters who took valuable time out of their own schedules to help this poster. And you are telling him not to listen to those posters?!

To put it another way, workplace affairs are always sexual harassment lawsuit RISKS. This is why most companies don't tolerate workplace affairs.

I really do appreciate the time people have taken, and I do understand why people are so hesitant. It is scary to think of the repercussions. I know now that I have to do something drastic, and I am just trying to decide how to execute it.
I dont really feel like people purposely put me down, it is just when you feel like you have been through the ringer, the truth can be painful and harsh. I just want to feel normal again.

Objective observers can see you sitting on the train tracks waiting to get hit. This is why posters are so passionate to help you. They are not putting you down, but trying to get you off the train tracks so your situation is not hopeless. People mean well and I hope very much you listen!!

I have been reading here now for 4 months, and over that time I actually have gained a great deal of respect for what you guys do. I know you have others best interests in mind when you give advice. I also learned how much harder it is to accept that advice when it is your own story. Even when you know in your heart, that certain things need to be done

It is much, much harder to NOT take the advice, though. We are not telling you to do anything we have not done ourselves.

We aren't here to tell people what they want to hear and enable destructive ideas. People can get that anywhere on the internet.

Not at all! I agree with everyone here, especially you. But there have been a few comments that have been snarky and sarcastic.

I don't see a single one. Rather, I see many knowledgeable, veteran posters who have been here for YEARS helping others who took their own valuable time to post to this man. You might want to think twice about telling a this poster not to listen to them. These are the people who have carried this forum for years.