I read a lot here years ago and posted a little but can't remember my screen name.

I have a question.

As part of my job, about once per week I have to leave really early in the morning and get home around our 18 month old's bedtime. Occasionally I need to leave the evening before just after bedtime and get back the next day around bedtime.

I generally schedule them so that my DH is off or working short days so that it is easier for him to drop our son off at daycare and pick him up.

However, he has been having my MIL come over the second that I leave and stay until the second that I come home. He asks her to clean while our son is at daycare and she happily does it.

I feel like he is asking her to be a replacement for me and it bugs me. I would feel better if he just had her over for the after daycare until bed time part and not stay the night.

He thinks I am being selfish and that when I am gone it is his right to do whatever makes things easiest on him. And, if she wants to spend every second that I am gone with our son and it isn't bothering them, she should.

Am I being unreasonable?

I have suggested that I find a job that doesn't require these trips but it would require a move and DH doesn't want to move.

Do you understand POJA? Have you tried using it?

I do think I understand it. Unfortunately my husband doesn't not seem consistently enthusiastic about it. I am not sure what to do to get him on board. He is not interested in reading here or having a call with Dr. Harley.

He definitely has complaints about me. I have thought about trying to be 100% perfect on those things for a period of time and then broaching the subject again. Maybe if he feels super happy with me he will be more enthusiastic about it? Although, then I think I run the risk of him thinking everything is great and therefore not seeing the need for counseling.

I think what I am looking for is some words to guide him toward the policy of joint agreement in this situation and after I do that, if it works out well, maybe I can get him on board with it as an overall approach.

Michigan Mom, is the heart of your problem that your husband gets this kind of support when he is responsible for your son but you don't when you are? That you feel the amount of labor you both expend is unequal? That his is using up all of MIL's available helping time for himself exclusively and you don't get any help?

Could you POJA that his MIL days alternate - one week a day to support him, one week a day to support you?

Since your mil being there bothers you, she should stop coming until you can both agree to a solution to this problem.

Saying that he is replacing you is disrespectful and will not get you anywhere. Drop the disrespect and just stick to "it bothers me."

In order to negotiate, you need to understand the problem from his perspective. Why does he want his mom there all day? What problem does it solve? What other ways could that problem be solved?

No, it's not that I want her help. I feel like it is hard for me to describe what i feel about this without being disrespectful so maybe you can help me reword it.

I want my husband to be able to parent our child without his mom's assistance. We are a modern family in that I make twice as much money as he does, manage the finances, etc. I want him to be able to parent our child and be alone with him without his mom.

My MIL treats us like we are children and that bothers me (How do you say that without it being a disrespectful judgement?) We are 36 years old with a very nice house, good jobs, etc.

My MIL is a nice person but sometimes if feels like she wants to parent my child so her being here from the second I leave until the second I get back bothers me. From DH's perspective, she wants to be around and it is helpful and if I am not at the house it is none of my business.

Also, we have discussed moving to one city that my DH would consider. But, that would mean that my MIL would not be around to help. I don't want to set a precedent that my husband is never alone with our son so that he will decide we can never move because he won't have as much help available in a new city if I need to be away.

I find it difficult to just say "it bothers me" because my husband pushes me to explain myself and if I don't say anything he thinks is worthy of my request, then he uses that as an excuse to dismiss it.

But what does HE want? Does he have a say in all this? While he should not be inviting his mother over without your enthusiastic agreement, you also shouldn't be trying to dictate your own personal desires on him. That is controlling.


Another good reason to avoid having her over.


The biggest problem in your marriage is that you don't have the skills to negotiate decisions without the conflict. Helping you solve one problem is not the solution. The solution is to start using the MB program and learn the POJA.

Thanks MelodyLane, that's the kind of feedback I need. You're right, neither of us are great at negotiating.

He would say that when I am away for work and our child is home, he wants his mom to be there the whole time. I would say I don't want her there the whole time, maybe for the evening but not staying the night. Then what? We're stuck. How do you negotiate that further?

You LEARN how to negotiate using this program. Students of this program become master negotiators. That is what you and your husband should do.

Is he enthusiastic about your being away for work? I know my H would not be. Maybe a solution is to stop doing that?

I have asked him if he is and he says no, but maybe he isn't telling me what he really thinks. He is very enthusiastic about me making the income that I make, I think my financial support might be his 2nd to highest need.

I have a hard time being away from our child and I have suggested that I get a job that doesn't require any travel several times. It was a great job pre-family but my heart hurts when I am away now. It would probably require a pay cut and a move and he is not enthusiastic about that at all.

There is one place he would enthusiastically move to and it's a big city and thus, more expensive. The only way he is willing to move there is if we can keep our same lifestyle which means I would need to make more money, not less. The only way to make more money in my field is to travel more, not less.

But, if the job situation is not making you happy, it needs to be renegotiated. If something makes him happy but makes you unhappy, it needs to be eliminated in favor of an arrangement that makes you both happy.

I agree, I just think we get stuck on how to make it happen.

If you asked him what would make him happy it would be:
No travel, maintain or improve our income, live in our current city or one other specific city.

If you asked me it would be:
No travel, move to another city which could be the specific one he likes or any number of other places.

I don't mind making less income and living in a smaller house or townhouse. So, if I took a cut in income to move and not travel, that's fine to me. DH absolutely will not tolerate a downgrade in lifestyle. If that has to happen in order to move or stop me from traveling, then he wants none of it.

Where do you go from there?

I have suggested that I go back to school for a new career with higher earning potential without travel. He doesn't want to take the income hit even temporarily. I have suggested that he go back to school and get into a line of work that compensates for my income loss, he is not interested.

I have looked for jobs that don't require any travel and maintain my income for a few years and I can't find anything. My travel is actually very minimal for my income in my field right now so I have to change path a bit to do less travel.

I just don't know how to get unstuck.

Well, he might be motivated to find a mutually satisfying solution if he knows that the default position is to DO NOTHING. Do nothing means you don't work at all! You can't be forced to do anything you are not enthusiastic about. So it would be in his best interest to help you find a job that you enjoy - if at all. Do you even WANT to work?

No serious negotiator in business comes into a negotiation with black and white positions or they don't get the business.

Even so, the basic problem is that you don't know how to negotiate so that is where you would start. You can learn from the books, or you can do what some of us did and go through the Marriage Builders program.

Ha, thanks, Mel. Just to put things in perspective, the income loss that I am talking about is only about $15,000 if I switch to a no travel job.

I would enjoy the no travel job. My ideal situation would be to work part time. I could do what I currently do part time and have no travel. We would be living a more humble lifestyle but I don't mind that. DH has a spending problem so that would put strain on us but if he learned to POJA, it wouldn't be a problem. He would probably feel very restricted, though.

Recently I was offered a high travel job for twice my current income in a city DH has never expressed interest in and he really wanted me to take it. They could have offered me 4 times my income and I still wouldn't have been interested in a high travel job.

I agree, learning to negotiate is important for both of us. I am afraid that he has said he is uninterested in learning about Marriage Builders or reading any of the books, though. I have sent him an article on the POJA before and he thought it would just mean I would veto everything all of the time and he didn't want to give me that power. Maybe if I start getting better at negotiating he will get interested?

Are you enthusiastic about his spending? If not, that could be a way to cut back to part time. If I were you I would strongly encourage him to go through the Mb program with you and learn how to negotiate and take each other's feelings into account. Marriages that don't use the POJA don't tend to last.

I would not continue to work at a job that you don't like or you will resent him terribly. Sacrifice is a terrible practice in marriage.

Do you have the book "He Wins, She Wins"?

I don't dislike my job but I do dislike that my MIL is at my house for every second that I am gone when I have a longer days or an overnight trip.

My DH is refusing to speak to me right now. It's going to be so hard to get him on board. I have tried before. He doesn't think that there can be a prescribed approach to marriage and he won't entertain the idea that if you just POJA, this will be great.

I don't, I'll get it.