Have been living back together in R for about 4 mos since DD 7-17-14 and DD #2 8-21-14. He had sent NC letter but obviously had no intention of honoring that. Caught in lie after lie never confessed till confronted with evidence. Even tried to lie then till it was too overwhelming for him.
Here is my problem it is twofold. He had depression (family hx) treated with meds and IC for all the years of our 17yr marriage. Never revealed to me after we tied the knot. Played the loving, very interested pursuer mending my broken heart after my first husband left me for the OW and married her. First was a serial cheater and this one knew it and my utter disdain for cheaters, but he did it anyway. Blames his depression and he was so "lonely" and low that gave him the high of a lifetime, "out of my mind."

It was an EA and PA for over a year if not longer, not sure anything he tells me is the truth anymore.
He claims he went back to her after NC letter (with Cialis in hand) when she called him stating she was pregnant and needed to talk to him. He wanted to keep the baby and support it and she did not want to keep it unless he married her. She claims she was having an abortion which he was upset about. So when I caught him the second time, (this was the story) and he was confused and could not say he loved me or wanted me he needed to sort it out.
I asked him to leave so he was "free" to sort it and count me out of the equation. Don't be confused now, she is yours for the keeping. Shocked the hell out of him and he went to hotel for a month, then rented apartment for almost 6 months.
After a month of being away from his life, it must have been pretty dire or hard to be away from his thousands of dollars of toys he accumulated to make himself feel better over the years.

He begged me to take him back, and it was over, we went to now a year of IC and MC to sort out the hows and whys. He wooed me (again) with promises, kisses like I have never had and a few small gifts to absolve himself in the process. Never gave me gifts during the marriage except for occasional Home Depot flowers or cologne I would ask for. Never any surprises or just because gifts or cards after the euphoria wore off many years back.

Now 4 months into R and buried in debt from his midlife crisis soothing his pains and wining and dining her, I am left sorting through the ashes like everyone else here.

But now he has gone cold again (almost right after he moved in) and treating me like his sister again. Said his depression is really bad (seeking more treatments and pills galore).
He has NO interest in sex or healing our lovelife, and told me earlier on, DO NOT approach me, I will APPROACH you. This was is his confused state, but still not touching me at all like before the A. I am the maid, the keeper of the household affairs and the extra paycheck again. Can see he is not turned on by me in the least now that he has tasted meat 20 years younger.
Sorry for long rant, and the real clincher is his OW has posted pics of herself and a new baby? I am saying nothing, and wonder if this is source of his depression? Maybe she decided to keep it to get him back or get the money she wanted from him in the first place?? She was his massage therapist from another culture let me just say that. Happy endings he refuses to admit to as well. She was "not" like that. Find it all hard to believe and how do I find out if that is her child now or one from before? Had one son 12 years ago with another sucker, but this baby's hair is straight as a bone and her son's hair is extremely curly.
If he is hiding that now, I am done. Help please, so many red flags I feel like I am at the INDY 500.
Is this what a normal R looks like? Too depressed to touch your W or maybe no desire? He swears he would never do it again but I have no idea what his problem is?
Therapists feel he is doing his best given his depression issues. Loved him, supported him and encouraged him for years when I thought he was my partner and would never betray me. Now I just feel I am living with another empty broken man who treats me like an sister. Loves me like a friend but not a wife or someone he really cherishes.
Sorry for long rant. Thanks so much.

Is the OW married?

Who did you expose to?

Has he had contact with OW? Do you have spyware on all his devices?

She is divorced with a child from her first marriage the 12 year old.
Exposed to adult children, family and my sister. My parents are deceased. He wrote a letter apologizing about a month after he moved out. He also confessed to pastor from our church and we had to quit Divorce group we were leading. 2nd marriage for both as well, 3 kids between us, none together. Agree too much hurt and pain and now huge debt. So depressed and anxious. Is this anyway to live? He cannot take deep talks he gets "shamed" and too "depressed" anymore.
Not sure if he has contact with OW as he used a burner phone which I found. No spyware anymore pointless (WASTED MONEY) as he is IT and knows all the tricks of the trade. Plus he was using an alias and had email on that account to her which is now deleted long ago when he was uncovered.
Do not even know who he is? See some remorse but not really sure since he is so physically cold to me. I think he has filet mignon so why go back to ground beef in his mind? I look pretty good for my age but I will never be in my mid 30's again.
Cannot afford a PI that is my only other resort. Think he might be keeping contact with her but from his work desktop computer. Looked at it very briefly when I went to help him there once recently and all searches were erased? Red flag you think? And Skype was on his desk top. Also found app for making phone calls over internet to other countries but mostly Asia. Which is where she goes to see family.
Worried he is trying to support her underground especially if she kept his love child. Watching bank accounts like a hawk but may need to run credit reports.. so tired of searching and searching. He wants to appear "sober" now to the world but think he has two sides. How do reconcile with a man/woman who treats you like a sibling? Feel it back to the love you but not "in love" with you... actions speak louder than words.

Recovery does not look like this at all, and you have been in Plan A far too long. Your health is going to suffer. You need to get your ducks in a row so you can get into Plan B. Have you given any thought to that?

I did plan B for almost 5 months after DD2. Kicked him out, bags on the driveway, speaking my mind and laying the groundwork for either a healthy R by these rules or D, had a nice time alone for awhile, almost got a roommate to help with house payment.
Clearly stated that any scent of OW we are DONE he knows that. He swears he doesn't contact her and is repulsed by the idea of her. Just doesn't act normal and said he can't act normal, given his issues with depression.

Everything goes back to him and his depression and issues with feeling life. He is undergoing magnetic treatments now since he is med resistant. Counselor said he may be the type that needs the distancer/pursuer relationship (not normal of course) so he can feel the excitement of the chase all the time. He is flatline mostly and now so am I. I have tried A and B and back and forth. We talk about the future, when we get out of debt, but frankly I have little hope. Unless I want to hang out with my brother who cares about me I guess?
He does not compliment me at all, like the early stages when he was pursuing just an occasional "like your nail polish?"
He doesn't send random texts to say I love you or anything, just business as usual for the most part. He will "checks my pulse" when I get quiet to make sure I am not distancing too much but offers little reassurance or attention just a hug. Gee thanks! See him "happy" when he talks or does his old car stuff or sees his son or grandson. Then he is over the moon. Happy when he wants to be.

Think he is afraid of getting put out again if I smell a rat.
I am able to use the Iphone finder to track him randomly but not seeing any signs there yet. But he could leave that on his desk for all I know, and take off. Thought of putting GPS on car but he is a super car nut and would find that in 30 seconds flat.

Like trying to outsmart a fox. Not easy. Only got sloppy and started taking big chunks of cash that set me off before. Now I monitor that like a hawk and the credit cards were run up so high trying to look like Brad Pitt we are barely keeping our heads above water. Frankly very depressing.

Me 58
HIm 52
M 17 years
Blended family 3 between us
DD 1 July 2013, DD2 8/21/13, Separated 8/21/13 to March 2014

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger! Should be Wonder Woman by now with two marriages and infidelities in both.

Devastated,

Your failure is in not following Dr. Harley's methods.
You are trying to piecemeal Harley's methods with your counselors and others. This isnt a piecemeal program, as clearly explained by Dr. Harley.

You will continue to feel exhausted and at the end of your rope until you consistently follow a plan and the best one available is Dr. Harley's.

Are you willing to stop the other programs and ideas and focus on following Dr. Harley's program exclusively?

If you were in Plan B why did you let your WH back when he clearly hasn't done what it takes to recover your marriage? When you don't hold the bar high he will not step up.

Did you get together while you were still married? If he has swooped in while you were vulnerable it was so he could get away with stuff like this.

The fact he lied to you pre-marriage makes me suspect that's the case. Men like this prefer to be with a victim.

Good men do not approach married women. Even separated ones. Normal people want happy dates, not a wet shoulder and to invade the privacy of grief. He is depressed because he chooses to live a disastrous lifestyle - he is a walking nightmare.

Do you think you can do a proper Plan B and exclude all contact? You need to stop boomeranging around here. Of course he is going to promise stuff and then break it.

You didn't meet in a church divorce group did you?

Next to AA meetings that is the top spot to cruise for vulnerable women....